Taking a Deeper Dive into Self-care

This week we are talking about all things self-care on the blog and podcast. This is a subject that I could just talk and talk or (write and write) on and on about. I hope you got to listen to the podcast on Wednesday; I think that it is one that anyone could benefit from. Many people think of self-care as pampering yourself with manicures, facials and beautification. It can be those things, if that is what you need, but it can be so much more if you are willing to take the deep dive inwards.  

One of my favorite categories of self-care is personal development or self improvement. When I think of personal development, I think of setting goals, educating myself, and holding myself up to a certain standard or personal expectation. In the practice of selecting a word of the year, I give myself a goal to develop myself within the construct of the multiple definitions of that word. My objective for my word is for it to elevate my life in those areas. 

In keeping with the idea that the word is intended as a self-care tool, I recommend choosing a word that is unstinting. Any practice of self-development that does not uplift you is not good self-care. Pay attention to the programs, videos, tips and advice floating around out there on the internet. If it is not designed to nurture you, it could be harmful to your self worth. You may be choosing a program that encourages you to look inward with feelings of self doubt, shame, or feelings of failure to accomplish.

The past few years, I have picked words with my One Little Word project that encouraged me to change my behavior, reprogram some of my less favorable habits, and work hard to improve myself. This year, however, I wanted to choose a word that allowed me to pamper myself, rather than challenge my boundaries. I found that last year and the years before, I was inadvertently using my word to beat myself up about something that I was not. For example, I chose the word change in 2018. That year, I did encounter many changes in my life. Ultimately, I was disappointed when I came out at the end of the year as the same person, and I shouldn't have felt that way. Another fellow One Little Word participant mentioned that these types of words are abusive words, and I can agree! If someone else was telling me to be this word change, I would not appreciate their advice and I would be hurt that they would insist on me changing who I was. If they encouraged me to adapt, evolve, flex, modify or adjust, I might take their advice with a little hopefulness, instead of begrudging them.

With that being said, and all my resentment over my word Rise in 2022, I came to a quick and easy determination – I wanted a fun word this year! For 2023, I specifically chose a word that I believe encourages me to go easier on myself. I selected Enjoy this year as it has many facets, and I can incorporate it within many focal areas of my life: home, work, family, friends, and physical health, to name a few. I would like to think that Enjoy is an easy-going, fun word, but there is also room within the word to work on my mindset.

I am sure that you all are familiar with our segments on the podcast in which we reviewed Eckart Tolle’s “A New Earth”. One of the major takeaways for me was living in the now, and not letting my inner voice be overly concerned with what I could be doing instead of what I was actually doing. For example, sometimes I will be at work, knee deep in a special project and my mind will wander off into something else that I have going on at home. I work from home, so this can be a major distraction for me. I find my mind pulling towards anything and everything that is not the task at hand. I understand now that it is my ego deflecting and me not being fully present and accepting what I am working on. My mind is trying to focus on something else because I am not happy doing the task at hand. I know that not every single second of my day at work, for example, is going to be amazing and fun. That is just the reality of the job, however I can do what I am doing to my best ability and focus on what I do enjoy about the task. One of my least favorite things to do is review calls for my employees. I listen to the recorded call and then provide detailed feedback regarding their call. The act of listening to the call is tedious and sometimes boring. What I do enjoy about my job though, is helping people. I remind myself that by reviewing the calls and providing feedback, I am helping people and doing something that I love. This is already helping me by reminding me that it is a labor of love, just as someone who loves to ride horses and care for them might not like shoveling poop in the stalls, but they do it anyway. 

I want to curate the things in my life that I enjoy, not just with work, but my leisure time as well. I have been working in excess for the past 5 months, and I am in desperate need to dial it back. I am looking forward to honing in on what I truly love, spending more time with myself and by myself. I am excited to spend more dedicated time on my hobbies. This much needed rest, rejuvenation and introspective time is fully in alignment with self-care. 

Have you picked out your word of the year? Have you ever considered if any of your goals or word of the year were abusive, unrealistic, or counterintuitive, leaving you feeling unaccomplished? If so, I encourage you to take a more gentler approach and give yourself some grace this year. We have gone through so much, and we all need a little pampering on the inside and outside every now and then.

My Secret Superpower

This week on the podcast, Christen asked the question, “What would be your superpower?” I had a few answers that I thought would be handy skills, but, in the end, we seemed to find some reason why all of them might be a bit dangerous. As we discussed, there’s always the potential for someone to exploit those powers and use them in nefarious ways, and even if you only meant to do good, there is still the chance that interference with the “natural order” of things could have dire consequences. It’s a lot to think about, and I’m not sure I have the brain capacity right now to care. I’ve had an extremely difficult time dealing with some personal issues these past few weeks (more on that at a later date), and I would rather spend this time focusing on the one superpower that we all have – the power of positivity.

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have all the luck? How someone could be at the end of their rope and then, suddenly, some crazy twist of fate spins things around and they are back on top again? Rhonda Byrne believes she knows the secret. In her 2006 movie, “The Secret”, Byrne tells readers about The Law of Attraction, a philosophical belief that whatever you think, whether positive or negative, that is what will come into your life. I sat down to watch the movie a few months ago as part of a One Little Word prompt, and I was inspired to begin working on manifesting some of that positivity in my own life.

The concept is nothing new. As I read Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth”, he told readers again and again that negative thoughts are born by the ego.  Destroy the ego, and you are left with gratitude. Gratitude is merely acknowledging the abundance that is already in your life. “Abundance comes only to those who already have it,” Tolle writes, going on to quote Jesus who said, “Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him.” (Mark 4:25) Jesus also said, “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” (Mark 11:24)

To bring this abundance into my life, I started with scripting, which is basically just writing down the things you want to happen as though they already have, but only in the most positive terms. Have you ever been prompted to write a letter from your future self touting all the good things in your life that have come to pass? That’s scripting. I’ve been asked to do it countless times by high school and college English teachers, and even by trainers and life coaches, but I never gave it much thought. This time, however, I set out with sincere intentions to manifest some good in my life; I thought long and hard about what I would write and exactly how I would write it. It was a long process that first time, lengthened a bit by my decision to fashion an attractive scripting journal out of a boring composition book.

I took a cue from Christen, starting my scripting journal by first setting out my intentions for the book. If my words were going to be a vehicle for change in my life, I needed to make sure they did no harm. I also wrote my scripts from a perspective of gratitude and belief. If I believe the things I write will come to pass, then I should be grateful for them. I was also very specific about the things I wanted to manifest, and I tried to make sure I touched on every aspect of my life, including health, finances, family, friends, career, and marriage. I’ve added to the journal periodically, sometimes pasting in a graphic, other times writing out my ideal daily schedule, or even listing out my goals for the month as a “win list” as though I had already accomplished them. 

I must say, I think scripting has worked. I’ve made tremendous progress toward my goals, and I’ve felt quite empowered by my new sense of self-confidence and positive attitude. This new attitude has helped me stay rooted in my power word for this year, “now”, and has been especially helpful in dealing with the unexpected personal upheaval I mentioned earlier. Where before, I might have spent this time looking at all the negative consequences of these changes or wasting time feeling sorry for myself, I am now catching myself in those negative thoughts and “flipping the script”. I try to focus on maintaining a positive attitude and acceptance of what “is”, while also looking at the lessons I can learn and realizing that while I may not be able to control everything, I can certainly control how I react to it. And while I did shed more than just a few tears, I’ve been able to stay rooted in the present and have not devolved into self-pity, anger, or anguish. It is what it is, and earlier today, when I reviewed those previous scripts I wrote, I realized that every single one of them was still possible. That gives me hope, and hope is a product of positive thinking. If that’s not a superpower, I don’t know what is.

Have you tried scripting? Do you believe in the power of positive thinking? I’d love to hear about your experience. Comment below, or join the conversation over on the MMC Chat Facebook group.

 

5 Ways to Manifest Your Best Life

Hi there, and welcome back! Since we have been heavily focusing on goals and planning, I thought we should discuss manifesting. I love this topic, as it is something that I have been deeply interested in for many years. In fact, I can truly say that I have manifested something in my life – you may have remembered in the podcast that I mentioned I manifested my husband, a dog, at least two vacations, and a whole slew of other things. This has become the secret tool that I use for achieving my goals. I turn my dreams into reality by manifesting them. 

It all started when I decided that I wanted to check out podcasts. Podcasts had already been around for quite a long while, but I had never explored them. I had always been a music girl, and I have always preferred to listen to music rather than talk radio when driving. I had started listening to NPR some, but then my driving times changed, and I thought I would seek out something else instead. In looking for podcasts to listen to, I came across a couple of bloggers talking about manifesting, and one of them had mentioned making her vision board for the year. I was hooked. It sounded like a crafty project to help me achieve my goals! After scouring the web, YouTube, and various podcasts for anything vision board-related, I came across a few other methods for manifesting. I also stumbled across a few other podcasters that have inspired me, and I want to share what I have learned to date. 

We touched a little bit on manifesting earlier this year when we were discussing vision boards, but today I want you to know that anyone can manifest without ever having to get out the craft supplies. Here are some other ways to manifest - most of them only require pen and paper, or even just your thoughts. You can pick and choose what works for you, and you can change things up, but I think it is important to see all of the options and their benefits. I know that some of this has already been mentioned recently, but the reason that it is all resurfacing is due to the correlation with many of our Goals Girl segments.

Positive affirmations

Positive affirmations are the simplest form of manifesting. I remember back in the 80s and 90s people would wear their walkman or Discman and listen to recordings of positive affirmations. I didn’t understand what it was until I was made aware of the wretched things that I said to myself. Once I was aware of how I treated myself internally, I vowed to change my habitual self-bashing and move to kindness and self-love. Unfortunately, self-love does not occur overnight. It is something that is learned over time. I knew I needed to start with changing my inner dialogue, but I needed assistance with verbiage as it was not natural to speak kindly to myself. That is where positive affirmation recordings come in handy. If you are like me and do not know how to change your behavior, I recommend this method. Submerge yourself in positive phrases, and you will become more familiar with the dialogue so that you can course-correct yourself when you start treating yourself unkindly. I mentioned positive affirmations in one of my recent posts when talking about having a bad luck mindset. These are great samples to get your day started better!

Vision Boards

If you missed my post on vision boards I highly recommend you check it out. Amber, Cindy, and I have different approaches to vision boards and you will find a helpful how-to tutorial in our video on YouTube. 

Spell Work

Any type of ritual that you create with meaning can be used for manifesting purposes. Do you add cream to your coffee? Try stirring your cup clockwise (to bring in positivity) and say today is going to be sweet! Be mindful to do this with gusto and not out of lackluster habit, as spell work should be done with genuine and focused intent. I would love to circle back on this conversation another time!

Scripting

Grab a pen and paper! I like to use a dedicated journal, but you don’t have to get fancy with it. Sit down and write a letter to yourself. The letter should be written from “future you” to “present time you''. Your letter will outline how great your life is, and how you achieved the dreams that you are currently working on in the present day. Go into great detail explaining how you managed to overcome any obstacles with ease to achieve your dream, secure the promotion, or land on both feet after hardship. But don’t mention the actual struggles– you don’t want to manifest any negativity in your life. I was recently inspired to go back and read some of my earlier scriptings. I started from the beginning and was amazed at some of the things that came to fruition –things that I had not even put into action or given much thought at that time – they were just merely hopes and dreams. I will have to revisit them again, as they gave me warm feelings and hope.

Visualizing

So for visualizing, you can do the above practice, but without the pen and paper. I recommend taking the effort to quiet the room, get comfortable, and close your eyes so that you can imagine your dreams and goals with minimal distraction. You don’t have to be a wordsmith to create visualizations. Imagination and some creativity are all that is needed for them to develop. The trick is to get into the details. Imagine how you feel, emotionally and physically. Be sure to explore all 5 of your senses and ask yourself questions like “what would your typical day be like, what would you do, who would you spend time with?” This process is daydreaming and meditation at the same time. I call it daydreaming for grownups. It’s ok if your mind wanders, just stop and refocus your thoughts until you are satisfied with the outcome. 

For many of us, we feel that there is an aspect of our lives that can be better. We understand that our thoughts turn to actions that impact others around us. The fuel that we inject into the world can be positive or negative energy, and we each decide what kind we send out into the world. Do you want to live in the ways of the past, or in the New Earth? Is there a type of manifesting practice that I have left off? Do you have any tips or tricks you have found successful? I would love for you to share by continuing the conversation in the comments or on our MMC chat on Facebook.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day! This week during the podcast we talked about the “Luck of the Irish” and how it is actually kind of unlucky. I wanted to touch on this subject a little more. I have been working on positive affirmations for myself for some time, and I am a firm believer that what you think and say are your reality. 

This really brings some of the talking points in Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth” front and center. In his book he discussed people thinking and talking negatively, and how that action brings them into a negative pattern of behavior. Those negative thoughts feed the ego, allowing more negative thoughts to arise. I am thankful that this behavior has been brought to my attention. I have been striving, since reading the book, to feed my mind only good thoughts. I have found myself slipping into a pessimistic mind frame from time to time out of habit. This tends to happen to me when I get stressed and overwhelmed. I don’t necessarily consider myself to be lucky or unlucky though.

Frane Selak is a good example of someone that was considered the most unlucky person and/or the luckiest in the world. He passed away several years ago, but when he was alive, he had many seemingly unfortunate events occur one right after the other. He was a survivor of several motor vehicle accidents that left other passengers dead. Although he came close to death many times, I consider him a lucky survivor. Someone else might argue that he was unlucky since he had so many accidents while in a moving vehicle. 

I know that many of us can feel like we are being attacked by an outside force of bad luck. The saying, “if it’s not one thing, then it's another” and Murphy’s Law, “if it can happen, it will happen”, come to mind. If you feel like you are a victim or suffering from a negative force of back luck, stop yourself from spiraling into a negative mindset before you get too deep. 

This is the good vibes only zone! I compiled a short list of positive affirmations regarding luck! 

• I am lucky

• Good things happen to me

• I attract wealth and prosperity

• Wonderful things happen to me every day

• Everything is going my way

• Good fortune flows my way

• My day is flowing effortlessly

• My life has purpose and meaning

• My day is exciting and full of adventure

• Amazing opportunities come into my life

• I am constantly drawing good fortune my way

• My day is full of opportunities

• Good luck comes natural to me

• My positive thoughts and actions bring me good luck

• Things always work out for me

• I am lucky and alive

• Things happen for me, not to me

• I always bounce back

• I always land on my feet

I cannot claim that thinking positively will stop the force of bad luck, but I can attest that a positive mindset can turn any situation around. There are many other ways to turn your misfortune around and hopefully we can get to those another time. Let me know if that is something that interests you! What do you do when you strike into a row of misfortune? Do you have any go to phrases or actions? I’d love to hear from you in the comments!

Can You Just Stop Complaining?

This week on the podcast, we talked about chapters 3 and 4 of Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth” and one of the concepts in those chapters was the idea that the act of complaining comes from the ego and is, in fact, a way for the ego to situate itself as superior to others. As we have discussed in previous episodes on this topic, the ego continually does things to set itself apart from others and to give itself more power. It likes to play the victim. The ego thrives on drama, and the more isolated one feels, the more different, or the more unique, then the stronger the ego becomes. Taking this idea a step further, Tolle tells us that when we complain, we are saying, by implication, that we are right and the other person (or situation) is wrong.

Tolle tells us that to go beyond the ego, we must stop reacting to it. We must stop complaining. But wait! We all complain sometimes, right? Does this mean we can’t ever say anything? That we have to put up with bad service or rude behavior? 

, No, Tolle tells us that there’s a difference between complaining and informing. Informing is passing on important information. It is all about facts, not feelings. There are no accusations. No guilt. No resentment. When you inform, you realize that it’s not personal, so there is no longer a compulsion to react as though it were. When you inform, you are simply letting the clerk know that they gave you the wrong change, or telling the waiter that the soup was cold. In contrast, a complaint is fraught with emotion, often in the form of offense or outrage. A complaint is accusatory. The ego feels insulted, put-upon, wronged. The two reactions are very different, and thus the outcome is also very different.

I find this notion intriguing. I wonder if any of us know just how often we complain. After talking recently with a friend, we both agreed we complain a lot. When my friend mentioned following a social media influencer who was taking part in a 21-day “no complaining” challenge, my immediate thought was, “Oh crap, it’s only 10 AM and I’ve already failed miserably!” Then I laughed and told my friend I didn’t think I could make it even one day. I complain a lot, and I know it.

I come from a long line of complainers. My family and I used to cringe at things my grandmother would say about other people. She was super critical of anyone who wasn’t like her, and even some who were. She would refer to women her age as “that old woman,” and make snide remarks about people’s weight or their clothing. It was embarrassing, but we loved her. My mother was much the same. In her later years, she has complained about every single person on the planet in one way or another. She complains about her food, other people’s hair, or how long she has to wait at the doctor’s office. Lately, I’ve written it off as a symptom of her dementia, but I’m not sure. She’s never happy; or maybe she’s only happy when she has something to complain about.

Over the last few years, I’ve caught myself repeating the same bad behavior. Complaining about waiting in line. Cursing at traffic. Put out by slow service or forgetful waiters. I’ve grumbled about perceived injustice, imagined slights, and honest mistakes. I’ve been judgmental and even rude. When I catch myself, I wince and think, “I sound just like my mother,” and I make a vow to stop. It never lasts long, because sooner or later, some other insignificant something will come along to “ruin” my day, and before I know it, I’m right back where I was before, complaining about everything that isn’t exactly the way I want it to be. 

 

“Ego takes everything personally,” Tolle tells us. And often, in the midst of my complaining, that’s exactly how I feel…as though the universe is out to get me. But of course, that is just my ego. I know this. And lately, I’ve been trying to stop myself (mid-complaint if I’m slow on the draw). Tolle assures us that the moment we become aware of the voice in our head as nothing more than a conditioned pattern (the ego), then that ego is weakened. We also know that whatever you have learned (like complaining), we can also unlearn.

 

I guess that means there is hope for me yet. Maybe someday complaining will no longer be a habit for me. I try to imagine a world in which no one complained. What a wonderful world that would be. I’m willing to give it a try. Are you?

 

I’d like to challenge you to go a day without complaining. Or maybe just see how long you can go without complaining. Can you go for an hour? A day? A week? More? Tell us about it in the comments below or join the conversation on our Facebook Chat Group.

Heard It on the Podcast - March 9

Did you miss a link we mentioned on the podcast? Here's a quick post we'll do every Wednesday to share any links or information from the podcast. We'll also keep a running post on the "Links from the Podcast" tab so you can refer back to any previous episode. Here's the links for this week:

9-MAR-2022

S2E11: A New Earth, Chapters 3 and 4

• Eckhart Tolle, "A New Earth": https://amzn.to/3hblVm4

And don't forget our sincere thanks to:

• Creative Audio Tech/Red Door Studios: http://www.creativeaudiotech.com

As an Amazon Affiliate, Modern Musings earns from qualifying purchases. 

All the World is a Stage

Hey everyone! On our podcast this week we are continuing our discussion on Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth”, and we are examining the concepts in chapter 3 “The Core of the Ego” and 4 “Role Playing: The Many Faces of the Ego.”

Role-playing: As a former Theatre teacher, the concept of role-playing stands out to me. Shakespeare wrote in one of his famous monologues, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players,” meaning that all humans have roles that they play in life. In his speech, Shakespeare presents the roles humans play as they age, while Tolle presents the different roles the ego plays throughout a human’s life. So, in a sense, roles within a role.

According to Shakespeare, there are seven roles or “ages” of man:

1. The baby: This age represents humans as helpless and innocent. They rely on others to help them survive the world.
2. The child: This age represents humans as they are young and idealistic. They are just venturing out of their house into the world to attend school.
3. The young man: This age represents a teenager hitting puberty and falling in love for the first time. Although still young and idealistic, they know a little bit more about life outside their parents’ house.
4. The soldier: This age represents a young adult venturing out of their parents’ house and earning a reputation with their first job. Shakespeare describes this age as quick to fight and quick to judge.
5. The justice: This age represents a somewhat older individual who is now working hard and earning money for themselves and their family.
6. The older man: This age represents retirement as a person grows older and thinner, but still wants to maintain their youthful appearance.
7. The old man: This age represents old age as humans begin to slip into their second childhood and become helpless and innocent. This age also represents the fact that life has come full circle. Humans start helpless and innocent, and they end helpless and innocent. Their last role to play is also childlike.

Within these roles, according to Tolle, the ego has its own roles to play, and most of them are attention-seeking roles. Tolle suggests that these roles start in childhood. Some very common attention-seeking roles that humans play are:

• The Villain: At a young age, these roles become apparent. The protagonist and the antagonist. The “good” guy and the “bad” guy. These roles are personified in every story ever made. In every Shakespeare play ever written. A common villain role is that of a criminal. Criminals often commit crimes to get caught. To get that attention that the ego looks for. Criminologists have tried to explain the motivations behind criminals going back centuries. Criminologists suggest that reasons for committing a crime include greed, anger, jealousy, revenge, or pride. All of these negative emotions relate to the attention-seeking ego. According to Tolle, “some egos perpetrate crimes in search of fame.” Negative attention is also attention.
• The Victim: This is a very common role in the sense that the attention the victim seeks is sympathy from others. In psychology, this could also be called a narcissist. Humans play the victim to keep the attention on them and only them. “Victims” often claim the negative actions of others or society contribute to them being the way they are.

Letting go of self-definitions is one way Tolle suggests that humans shed the roles they have chosen to play in their life. However, humans are obsessed with categorizing things. Those that refuse to identify with certain religions and genders are considered different and weird. However, it is also becoming more common for people to let go of self-definitions. Many people simply refuse to fit into a specific category.

While a person cannot let go of their roles in Shakespeare’s “ages of man,” you can let go of the “roles within your roles” and free your mind from the attention-seeking obligations of the ego. Yes, at certain times in your life you may be a victim or a villain, but you do not have to play that role all the time. Tolle suggests that these roles can only be temporary if you are open to finding true happiness.

I want to know what our readers think. Have you played any of these roles- in your life? How did you get past these roles or are you still playing them? Let’s continue the conversation on our Facebook Group: MMC Chat.

Shakespeare’s Speech from Poetry Foundation:

“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms;
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress’ eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon’s mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lin’d,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper’d pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well sav’d, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion;
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.”

Heard It on the Podcast - March 2

 

Did you miss a link we mentioned on the podcast? Here's a quick post we'll do every Wednesday to share any links or information from the podcast. We'll also keep a running post on the "Links from the Podcast" tab so you can refer back to any previous episode. Here's the links for this week:

2-MAR-2022

S2E10: Cups

• Ali Edwards "Just Write": https://aliedwards.com/subscribe/just-write
• Borgbilly/Sonic Biscuit 365 Project: https://soundcloud.com/mark-murray-2
• Eckhart Tolle, "A New Earth": https://amzn.to/3hblVm4
• Creative Audio Tech/Red Door Studios: http://www.creativeaudiotech.com

As an Amazon Affiliate, Modern Musings earns from qualifying purchases.

Resistance is Futile

“Resistance is futile.” Pardon my inner geek as I appropriate this “Borg” catch-phrase from TV’s Star Trek, but I just couldn’t resist. Some could argue that no truer words have ever been spoken. In his book, A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle talks about the detrimental effects of resisting change versus yielding to it, and we’ve talked a bit about that on the two-part podcast episode that we wrapped up today. In our discussion, we mentioned Tolle’s belief that there are only two options for coping with change, trauma, grief, and other life-altering events; you can resist, and thus remain stuck in the negativity that comes with it, or you can yield and pass through it, which can actually make you stronger in the long run.

Resistance requires energy. Resistance consumes resources. You can’t keep fighting without exerting tremendous amounts of energy and burning through resources. Think about an army that needs manpower, food, weapons, armor, and the money to buy those things. A successful army needs morale. So, too, does resistance to change…to grief, to trauma, to progress. The more a person fights these changes, the more energy and emotional resources they expend on it, the more angry, exhausted, and negative that person becomes. All that negativity takes its toll (no pun intended). Negativity rebounds as anger, stress, physical ailments, isolation, blame, and what some might call bad luck or karma.

But what does it mean to yield? The New Oxford American Dictionary has several definitions that apply. In the first sense, to yield is to produce or provide a product, generate a (financial) gain, or to deliver a result or gain. This is certainly true of many kinds of change when you look at the bigger picture. What do I have to gain from this? What message does this teach me? What positive outcomes have occurred because of this? In another sense, to yield is to give way to arguments, demands or pressure, to relinquish possession, to give something up, to cease to argue about, or to give something (as in traffic) the right of way. In this form, yielding is the act of going through the trauma or the change and coming out the other side, much in the same sense as Christen described going through the Swamps of Sadness in the Neverending Story without becoming part of the swamp. 

It should be noted that to yield often has a temporary connotation. When we yield to traffic, we give up our right of way until it is safe to proceed. It is not the same as giving up or giving in, which is what happened to Artax when he and Atreyu went through the Swamps of Sadness. When making that distinction, I like to think about quicksand. It is common knowledge that panicked flailing (resistance)  in quicksand can rapidly make the situation much worse, but the answer isn’t to give up either, because then you’ll just sink and suffocate. The answer is to move slowly and deliberately. Toss away anything you can to make yourself lighter. Keep your hands above the sand as much as possible. Reach carefully, for a branch or a helping hand, and pull yourself to safety. By accepting and adapting to the situation, you can move through it and come out the other side. Life is the same way.

Last month, I got a little first-hand experience in yielding. I’ve talked about my love for Christmas and holiday traditions of all kinds. I have some pretty well-defined notions of what that is supposed to look like, and because of the upheaval of the last few years, I’ve taken it upon myself to try and make those holiday experiences as normal as possible, which hasn’t been easy. My Christmas merry-making starts the day after Thanksgiving when my husband sets up the Christmas tree and gets all the decorations out of the shed. In recent years, Christen, her daughter, Reyna, and I spend that Saturday listening to Christmas carols and adorning our family tree. It’s part of the ritual and it helps set the holiday mood.

Unfortunately, this year, we were in the midst of home renovations that were supposed to be completed before Thanksgiving, but actually didn’t even get going full-swing until mid-December. We dutifully cleared out half of our belongings in preparation, and thinking the project would resume any day, we were reluctant to put up the tree or start any decorating for fear we’d have to take it all down. They finally finished the flooring on December 22nd, and they informed us they would not be back until after the 1st of the year to finish the rest (yes, they are still working on it as I write). So here we sat, on December 22 with no tree, no stockings, and I really didn’t even feel much like celebrating Christmas at all. My niece, Ashley, kept telling me she was going to print a photo of a tree and pin it to my wall if I didn’t do something. I wanted my Christmas to look a certain way, and if I couldn’t have it the way I wanted it, well then, I just wasn’t going to have it at all. I was resisting the change, and I was making myself miserable in the process. To make matters worse, my bah-humbug attitude wasn’t just affecting me…it was felt by everyone in the house.

Ashley's cute little tree.

Ashley was the one who had the answer that turned it all around. She wasn’t asking for my tree…she just wanted a tree. And so a tree we gave her. I had a small tree that I usually set up in my kitchen, and I put Ashley in charge of decorating it. I found some fairy lights I had bought for my craft room. One set was broken and didn’t work, so we cut off the battery pack and used the wire-strung bobbles as a garland on the tree. The other set was so long it covered the tree twice. Rather than pull out my fragile ornaments for this wobbly little pine, we used another goodie from my craft room – a pile of pompoms I had been making for a garland. Ashley tied them all over the tree. It was very cute in its own Charlie Brown sort of way.

Creamy pumpkin soup in fine china on the patio.

I don’t tell you this to brag about how cute this sad little tree came out, but rather, to illustrate the point of yielding. In the end, we wound up decorating my back porch with lights, setting up a few folding tables with pretty tablecloths and my fine china to enjoy a fantastic dinner with family and friends. I won’t say it was all smooth sailing; I definitely had a little meltdown when I got frustrated with my husband, Mark, for not doing what I asked. It wasn’t the Christmas I imagined, but it was good. The weather was perfect (we were in the ’80s here), it looked nothing like my traditional Christmas feast, and it just felt right for this time in our lives. 

Stockings hung on the banister instead of their usual place.

The lesson I learned is that resisting the change only made me (and everyone else around me) miserable. When I embraced the change, found a way to work through it, not by insisting on doing it exactly as we’ve always done (resistance), nor by giving up (staying miserable by refusing to yield to the change), but by really embracing the singularity and uniqueness of the situation, we all found a happy place within the change. We found happiness in what is…in “now”. 

Acceptance – yielding to what is – is not a form of defeat. In fact, it is the only way to win. A battle is not won on defensive maneuvers alone. Winning requires acknowledging our circumstances, accepting our situation, and adapting to it. To make the most of what we have, and to keep moving forward…to remember the objective. To not give in or give up, and certainly not to keep struggling to make things happen on our terms. A good general knows this. The Borg know this. 

So the next time you are in an untenable situation, the next time life throws you a curveball, step back, take stock, and ask yourself, “How can I move through this? How can I yield? How can I turn this to my advantage?” Because to fight it, to resist, will only make you (and those around you) miserable. Remember, resistance is futile.

The tree with gifts for scale.

Christmas lights strung between the trees
made this very pretty after dark. 

 Hi everyone, Christen here checking in today!

Join us as we dive into Eckhart Tolle’s book, A New Earth. This week on the Podcast we will be discussing the first two chapters. We are going into this discussion blindly because we have been reading the book, but have not discussed any of the contents other than when Cindy recommended it to Amber and myself.  I hope you’ve had a chance to get your hands on a copy of the book and start reading since we will be exploring the first two chapters together on the blog and during the Podcast this week. It would be awesome if you would like to read along and join in on the conversation on our Facebook page. If you have not had the opportunity to get the book, you still have plenty of time – we’ve added a link to the book through our Amazon Affiliate program below. Come find out why Oprah Winfrey calls Eckhart Tolle “The Father of Now”. 

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