Yesterday’s podcast episode focused on jealousy and how it is a key component and motivator for so many Disney villains. As we shared in our discussion, jealousy is a common incentive in most people from time to time, and try as we might, we can’t fully divest ourselves from it – it’s part of being human.
I think back on some of the more memorable times when I’ve felt jealousy, and I can easily pinpoint why I felt that way. Most often, it was due to two major themes that have been woven throughout my life and have been the cause of much negative self-talk and self-abuse – a lack mindset and low self-esteem. Between the two, you could probably explain just about every negative emotion I’ve ever felt, and they are likely the cause of most of the mistakes I’ve ever made.
It is easy to see and understand the jealousy that develops from a lack mindset. When you grow up very poor, as I did, and you are surrounded by people who have things you don’t, you envy those people and you covet those things. Bigger, nicer house, stylish clothes, foreign vacations, summer camp, strong family relationships, good grades, better education, toys and games…the list goes on and on. I’ve spent more than my fair share of time feeling frustrated, deprived, and unlucky.
My own lack of self-esteem has also beaten me down. There have been times in my life when it was so low that it was negative. I actually hated myself. I was sure I must have done something in a past life to deserve such terrible karma, but I didn’t know what. I still struggle with it to this day. I’m too fat, my nose is too big, my skin is wrinkly, I’m too old, I’m not talented enough, I’m lazy, I’m stupid, I’m crazy, I’m unorganized, I don’t have any friends, no one cares about me…. I counter these negative beliefs every single day with my morning affirmations, and I still can’t get past them.
Maybe those negative feelings are just part of being human, too, but I’ve learned that they don’t serve any good purpose. While some people might use those feelings to drive themselves to do better or be more, the effect is really very short-lived. Most of us cannot sustain a lifetime of self-loathing or resentment. When you focus only on the things you lack, you begin to see more of what you don’t have than what you do. That, in turn, builds resentment, not only of the people you envy, but of the people around you, too. Eventually, you begin to blame others for your lack, or even yourself. Those feelings might even become self-destructive.
When I was younger, my negative self-image was mainly focused on my looks. We moved from school to school often, and I found it hard to make friends. I could see that the pretty girls all had a lot of friends, while the “ugly” girls did not. In my immature perspective, I believed that I wasn’t liked because I was poor and I wasn’t pretty. I said and did many things to get people to like me, and I made a lot of terrible choices. Did it pay off? Not in the least. Being jealous of other girls who were prettier or had boyfriends led to nothing good. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I might have had more friends if I had been just a little more self-confident and outgoing. Instead of waiting for others to notice how cool I was and to give me external validation, I should have just been myself so that the people who were like me would see that and we would find each other. Instead of being “wild” to get attention, I should have been comfortable with who I was. Being jealous of other girls kept me from finding my own place in this world where I could be happy without struggling to be something I was not.
Jealousy is always rooted in the ego. Either our ego is over-inflated so that we believe we are entitled to things we are not actually entitled to, or our ego is deflated so that we don’t think we deserve or can accomplish whatever it is we want. It doesn’t take more than a minute to figure out which one it is. Jealousy doesn’t serve any higher purpose, either. So, why burden ourselves with this wasteful emotion that leaves such a negative taste in our mouths? I think a better choice would be to stop wherever I feel that first twinge of jealousy and just test it for a moment. What is it I am jealous of? Why does it make me feel that way? What shadows are being triggered, and what can I do to start healing them? I don’t want to be jealous because jealousy makes me feel like I am not enough, and I am tired of feeling that way. Aren’t you?
