Conversations with the Maiden, Mother, and Crone

Looking at ourselves and the world through the lens of the 21st century.

Thursday, February 2, 2023

What's in a Shadow?

 

I hope you were able to join us yesterday for our podcast about Shadow Work. I really enjoyed that discussion, because it is a topic that is very interesting to me. I have long believed that our beliefs and actions are influenced by our past, both good and bad, whether we are aware of those influences or not. Whereas some may point to a person and say that something is a “choice”, I say it is not so simple, and, therefore, not necessarily always a “choice” but rather, a consequence.


Take for instance a tree. Many things affect the growth of a tree: sunlight, soil, rain, temperature…the list goes on. While it is in the nature of a tree to grow straight and tall, any one of those influences can change the way a tree grows. If the tree doesn’t get enough sun, it may not be able to use the chlorophyll to achieve photosynthesis, the process of creating the carbohydrates that feed the plant. Insufficient rain will cause the plant to stall growth in an effort to conserve water to stay alive, or even to wither and die. Too much rain can distress a plant or even wash away the soil that surrounds the roots. If it gets too much rain over long periods of time, it can cause it to put out roots that are too shallow, thus leaving it vulnerable to wind and further erosion. Soil that doesn’t have the right nutrients won’t feed the plant, and if it is the wrong consistency, it may not be able to provide the right footing, retain needed water, or allow the plant to root effectively.


From these examples, it is easy to see how a change in the quality of any of these areas can dramatically affect a tree, and this is why every tree is different from every other tree. Even two trees grown from the same parent plant, growing side-by-side, can have very different life experiences and thus turn out to be two very different-looking trees. If no two oak trees look the same or need the same amount of water or nutrients, etc., then how much more so can environmental differences and past trauma affect humans – the most complicated and complex organism on our planet?


Our “shadow”, the deeply buried parts of our psyche, is created to protect us. It is the blister that builds on our heel to protect us from the rubbing of an ill-fitting shoe and the calluses on our hands from long hours of physical labor. It is a part of us. We can’t just pretend it’s not there, and we can’t feel anything that touches it without feeling the blister or callus itself. Neither pain nor numbness. It changes how we walk, how we grip things, and what choice of shoes we make the next day. It might make us want to wear gloves or quit a rough job altogether. Emotional damage is no different. Trauma, no matter how severe, leaves scars – scars that change how we feel, how we think, what we say, who we love, what we fear, and what we choose.


I know a great number of people who believe that everything is a choice. They hold the idea that poor behavior is a weakness, and that to overcome said weakness, one must only make a different choice. For example, an alcoholic has only to choose not to drink, or someone who gets their feelings hurt easily needs only to “buck up, buttercup.” If someone gives an example of why they make a poor choice, or why they behave a certain way, this faction claims they are “just making excuses”, blaming someone else for their own mistakes, thus dismissing any impact that environment or trauma may have on a person’s behavior. I think that’s like saying the tree will grow exactly thus, regardless of the amount of sun, wind, or rain. It’s just not realistic. Some people are conditioned to think and behave in certain ways – it’s the simple rule of cause and effect. Yes, people can make a choice to behave a certain way, but in order to do so, the person must have enough awareness and cognition in the moment to realize there even is a choice, and then they must have enough self-control to act on that awareness. Not an easy thing in the heat of the moment.


Do I think seeing things in this light is a valid excuse for “bad behavior”? Not in the least. It is a reason, nothing more. I believe it is up to each and every one of us to become aware of our shadow self…that hidden part of us that makes us behave a certain way…and integrate it into our full psyche – to let it influence us, but not control us. To bring that shadow into the light, so to speak. It’s not an easy task, but then, real growth never is. 


As I mentioned in the podcast, I have found that journaling is an effective way to work through some of those shadow thoughts. Working with a therapist has helped, too. And after mentioning it in the podcast, I decided to look further into creating a genogram of my own. Maybe it will help me recognize some of the patterns and unhealthy traits in my family history. At the very least, it will give me lots of material to journal about.

What do you think about shadow work? Have you tried it? Have you made a genogram of your own? Or do you think we should stop looking for reasons behind our behaviors and simply learn to do better? I’d like to hear about it.  Comment below or join us on our Facebook chat group, MMC Chat.

Wednesday, February 1, 2023

Heard it on the Podcast - February 1, 2023

 
 

  

Did you miss a link we mentioned on the podcast? Here's a quick post we do most Wednesdays to share any links or information from the podcast. We'll also keep a running post on the "Links from the Podcast" tab so you can refer back to any previous episode. Here's the links for this week:

1-FEB-2023
S3E5: What is Shadow Work?


     

    Saturday, January 28, 2023

    Journaling to Clear Your Mind and Uplift Your Spirit

     

    This week on the podcast, we talked about self-care and how it can mean a million different things. Amber asked Christen and I what we do for self-care, and I mentioned that I like to journal. Journaling has always been an important way for me to deal with stress and past trauma. By allowing myself to express any intense emotions, I am able to clear my head, get things off my chest, see situations more clearly, and, often, realize that things are quite as bad as they seem. I love to write, so telling the stories that make me who I am is important to me. Journaling is easy to do; anyone can do it. All you need is a pen and some paper. Or a computer if you’d rather type.


    Another form of journaling I do is art journaling. I’ve mentioned before that I have participated in a 365 project that was essentially creating art inside the pages of a published book. It was meant to be a year-long project that had me completing one page every day, but it came to a screeching halt about halfway through, and I’ve been adding to it sporadically ever since. I’ve posted all the pages I’ve done to date on my Flickr account if you’re curious.



    In 2022, I started keeping an affirmation journal. It all started when Amber gifted me with a set of Mindful Messages cards, which I’ve also mentioned previously. The messages inspired me to keep a journal of affirmations, which I illustrated by using some of my extensive collection of rubber stamps (and a few hand-drawn images). It was a great way to encourage me to be creative and to use some of the stamps that had never been used before. After I exhausted the Mindful Messages cards several times over, I started looking for affirmations from other sources. I have loved creating positive messages for myself, and I think this little book will be a great asset when I need a little reminder that I am enough.






    This year, I plan to complete the affirmation journal since there are still about 20 pages left in the book, but I probably won’t work on it daily. Instead, I think I might just go back to my regular journaling where I decompress my day and dig into some things from my past. I think it will help me let go of some burdens and baggage that have been weighing me down. It’s time to lighten my load.


    What about you? Do you do any creative or journaling projects as part of your self-care routine? I’d love to hear about it. Comment below, or join us on the MMC Chat page!


    Thursday, January 26, 2023

    Taking a Deeper Dive into Self-care

    This week we are talking about all things self-care on the blog and podcast. This is a subject that I could just talk and talk or (write and write) on and on about. I hope you got to listen to the podcast on Wednesday; I think that it is one that anyone could benefit from. Many people think of self-care as pampering yourself with manicures, facials and beautification. It can be those things, if that is what you need, but it can be so much more if you are willing to take the deep dive inwards.  


    One of my favorite categories of self-care is personal development or self improvement. When I think of personal development, I think of setting goals, educating myself, and holding myself up to a certain standard or personal expectation. In the practice of selecting a word of the year, I give myself a goal to develop myself within the construct of the multiple definitions of that word. My objective for my word is for it to elevate my life in those areas. 

    In keeping with the idea that the word is intended as a self-care tool, I recommend choosing a word that is unstinting. Any practice of self-development that does not uplift you is not good self-care. Pay attention to the programs, videos, tips and advice floating around out there on the internet. If it is not designed to nurture you, it could be harmful to your self worth. You may be choosing a program that encourages you to look inward with feelings of self doubt, shame, or feelings of failure to accomplish.

    The past few years, I have picked words with my One Little Word project that encouraged me to change my behavior, reprogram some of my less favorable habits, and work hard to improve myself. This year, however, I wanted to choose a word that allowed me to pamper myself, rather than challenge my boundaries. I found that last year and the years before, I was inadvertently using my word to beat myself up about something that I was not. For example, I chose the word change in 2018. That year, I did encounter many changes in my life. Ultimately, I was disappointed when I came out at the end of the year as the same person, and I shouldn't have felt that way. Another fellow One Little Word participant mentioned that these types of words are abusive words, and I can agree! If someone else was telling me to be this word change, I would not appreciate their advice and I would be hurt that they would insist on me changing who I was. If they encouraged me to adapt, evolve, flex, modify or adjust, I might take their advice with a little hopefulness, instead of begrudging them.

    With that being said, and all my resentment over my word Rise in 2022, I came to a quick and easy determination – I wanted a fun word this year! For 2023, I specifically chose a word that I believe encourages me to go easier on myself. I selected Enjoy this year as it has many facets, and I can incorporate it within many focal areas of my life: home, work, family, friends, and physical health, to name a few. I would like to think that Enjoy is an easy-going, fun word, but there is also room within the word to work on my mindset.


    I am sure that you all are familiar with our segments on the podcast in which we reviewed Eckart Tolle’s “A New Earth”. One of the major takeaways for me was living in the now, and not letting my inner voice be overly concerned with what I could be doing instead of what I was actually doing. For example, sometimes I will be at work, knee deep in a special project and my mind will wander off into something else that I have going on at home. I work from home, so this can be a major distraction for me. I find my mind pulling towards anything and everything that is not the task at hand. I understand now that it is my ego deflecting and me not being fully present and accepting what I am working on. My mind is trying to focus on something else because I am not happy doing the task at hand. I know that not every single second of my day at work, for example, is going to be amazing and fun. That is just the reality of the job, however I can do what I am doing to my best ability and focus on what I do enjoy about the task. One of my least favorite things to do is review calls for my employees. I listen to the recorded call and then provide detailed feedback regarding their call. The act of listening to the call is tedious and sometimes boring. What I do enjoy about my job though, is helping people. I remind myself that by reviewing the calls and providing feedback, I am helping people and doing something that I love. This is already helping me by reminding me that it is a labor of love, just as someone who loves to ride horses and care for them might not like shoveling poop in the stalls, but they do it anyway. 

    I want to curate the things in my life that I enjoy, not just with work, but my leisure time as well. I have been working in excess for the past 5 months, and I am in desperate need to dial it back. I am looking forward to honing in on what I truly love, spending more time with myself and by myself. I am excited to spend more dedicated time on my hobbies. This much needed rest, rejuvenation and introspective time is fully in alignment with self-care. 

    Have you picked out your word of the year? Have you ever considered if any of your goals or word of the year were abusive, unrealistic, or counterintuitive, leaving you feeling unaccomplished? If so, I encourage you to take a more gentler approach and give yourself some grace this year. We have gone through so much, and we all need a little pampering on the inside and outside every now and then.

    Wednesday, January 25, 2023

    Heard it on the Podcast - January 25, 2023

      

     
     
    Did you miss a link we mentioned on the podcast? Here's a quick post we do most Wednesdays to share any links or information from the podcast. We'll also keep a running post on the "Links from the Podcast" tab so you can refer back to any previous episode. Here's the links for this week:

    25-JAN-2023
    S3E4: Therapy and Self-Care Techniques

      Monday, January 23, 2023

      Self-care is the Best Care

      Hello everyone! This week on the podcast, we are talking about what we do for self-care and why self-care is important. What is self-care? According to the Global Self-Care Federation, self-care is defined as “the practice of individuals looking after their own health using the knowledge and information available to them. It is a decision-making process that empowers individuals to look after their own health efficiently and conveniently, in collaboration with health and social care professionals as needed.” Simply, take care of yourself.


      Why is this such a problem for people? As I’ve learned in life, not taking care of yourself will simply kill you. That’s the bottom line. My mother was great at taking care of things. My dad, grandma, and I (and her pets) were her world. She didn’t eat until everyone else ate. She spent endless hours making sure my grandmother ate, took her pills, watched her favorite shows, and took a bath to the point that she sometimes forgot to do those things for herself. My mom didn’t eat the things she wanted to eat; she always let everyone else choose. My mom didn’t do the activities she wanted to do; she went along with what I wanted to do. Her family and friends were her world, and when she wasn’t spending time with us, she was at work for endless hours (until she was forced to medically retire). My mom ran ragged worrying about other people and oftentimes neglected her health. As a result, she suffered a series of strokes at the age of 59 and eventually died of heart failure just shy of her 64th birthday.


      I, too, was going down the same path as my mother. I had just turned 30 when my mother suffered her strokes, and I moved in with her and my grandmother to take care of them; it was like my life turned upside down. Before that, I lived alone and I had a routine. I woke up at a certain time every day, took my medication, ate at a certain time, followed a daily regime of skincare, and went to the gym regularly. I put all of my things in storage and started sleeping on my grandmother’s extremely uncomfortable couch when I wasn't sleeping in a chair at the hospital. Eventually, with the help of my cousins, I was able to move a bed into my grandmother’s sewing room, but this was after months of sleeping where and when I could, showering whenever I had the chance, and eating from the hospitality station next to my mom’s hospital room…which consisted mainly of yogurt and cheese sticks.

      After my mom eventually got well enough that she didn’t need someone attending her 24/7, I was able to start working again. However, in my new place, it was hard to get back into the strict routine that I had. Unfortunately, I had let myself go. I gained weight, I started breaking out, and I became too comfortable with a sedentary life. As the years passed, I slowly slipped into putting others’ needs above my own and eventually began to lose myself in the needs of others. 




      After my separation in 2020, I began to slowly pick up those routines again. I started a strict skincare routine of cleansing my face daily and applying shea butter lotion to the rough skin that had developed on my arms and legs. I started giving myself regular pedicures and manicures and wearing the right makeup that didn’t break me out. Other than that I started dressing for my body type and picking up old hobbies that I had lost over the years. Slowly, I began to feel satisfied with myself again. I started working my way out of the slump that I let myself fall into. Eventually, I started eating better as well. Is everything perfect? No. Do I need to go to the doctor more? Yes. Will I get back to the routine that I want in my life, taking years of time and effort? For sure. But, I have given myself a level ground to continue on because I can still be there for other people and maintain myself. That is the takeaway. You can be both. You do not have to be one or the other.

      I want to hear from our readers. How do you practice self-care? Do you have any self-care tips that you want to share? Please comment below!

      Thursday, January 19, 2023

      Knowing Where You Come From

      Where do I come from? I can give you the easy answer. I come from Vernon, Texas. That’s where I was raised. That’s where my mother and my grandparents and their parents were raised. My mom’s side of the family could even say that they are a founding family of the Vernon, Texas area, a blink-and-you-miss-it town off Highway 287 on the way to Colorado from Dallas. That’s where I come from. But, what is in my DNA? I had always heard that my family was Irish; more frequently, I was of Native American descent.

      My father was always interested in genealogy and instilled that interest in me at a young age. Before the internet was a massive thing, my dad and his cousins, Bob and Lavonna, kept a notebook with paper records of our family tree as far back as they could research. When Ancestry.com launched in 1996, it wasn’t long before my father had a membership. He worked off and on for years building our family tree.

      In the summer of 2015, I moved to Eagle Mountain, Utah, and lived there for eight months. While exploring Salt Lake City, I discovered the Family History Library. When I walked in, I was greeted warmly by the attendants and asked to be seated in the auditorium for the next presentation. The other patrons and I were shown a video on ancestry and the Family Library. Afterward, we were escorted to a large computer lab and assigned a computer. Attendants helped us make a FamilySearch account and assisted us in building our family tree.

      I wasn’t sure, at first, how to get started but an attendant sat with me and showed me how to search and get real results on FamilySearch. After hours of searching and building, I left the library with a partial family tree built. I returned to the library several times that summer to work on my family tree and talk with the attendants. My family history was fascinating to me. I knew a few names and origins, but I wanted to know more.

      A few years later, I received a free trial for Ancestry.com and began to transfer my family tree from FamilySearch to Ancestry as well. I also was able to discover my late father’s Ancestry account. More of my family members also made Ancestry accounts and we were able to compare family trees and connect. My cousin Lavonna and her husband Tommy sent in their Ancestry DNA kit a few years ago to discover Tommy’s birth family. Lavonna also discovered that we had a cousin named Mary, an unknown child of my uncle Kenneth’s. That discovery made me want to try Ancestry DNA.




      While doing research for the podcast, I finally purchased an Ancestry DNA kit, and my results were somewhat surprising. Although two of my great-grandmothers were reportedly full-blood Cherokee, my results did not show any Native American DNA. I was also under the assumption that I was mostly Irish, especially on my father’s side, but I am actually almost equal parts English, Northwestern European, and of Scottish descent. I am only 11% Irish. What surprised me the most was that I am 5% German.




      As I developed my family tree more, I discovered more things about my family:
      • My family only spent a generation in Northern Ireland and before that, we were in Scotland.
      • My family was not only Scottish, but they were Lowland Scottish Gypsies (or Romani).
      • My family has royal ties in Scandinavia.



      The more I look into my family, the more I hope to discover. In the meantime, I want to hear from our readers. Have you bought a DNA kit through Ancestry or a competing company? Did you get any interesting results? Let’s continue the conversation below!

      Finally Taking my DNA Test

       Hi, everyone. If you checked out Wednesday’s podcast, you might recall that I had been struggling with some of my family connections. I have some missing links for my family ancestry. I also have a DNA kit from 23andMe and I have yet to take the test!

      I thought I would go ahead and take the DNA test today and send off the results. I would also use that as a way to reconnect with some of my less familiar family members. I thought that would be a great way to start the conversation and ask if they know if anyone else in the family has taken the test. Then I could follow up with questions about people's dates of birth and legal names, especially my paternal grandfather. I also hope to find more about myself along the way once I get my DNA test back. 

      After way too much procrastination, I am ready to take my test!

      Here is a little unboxing so you can see what is in the box.

      Everything you need is packed in this little box.

      No eating or drinking 30 minutes prior; way easier than taking a Covid-19 test.


      I recommend that you get fully hydrated so you can easily spit into the tube. 
      Pack it back up in the box and toss it in a USPS mailbox to be picked up.

      Have you had any struggles connecting with your relatives? I would love to hear your thoughts! Please feel free to comment below, or head on over to MMC chat, our Facebook group where you can join in on the conversation! 

      Wednesday, January 18, 2023

      Heard it on the Podcast - January 18, 2023

       

       
       
      Did you miss a link we mentioned on the podcast? Here's a quick post we'll do every Wednesday to share any links or information from the podcast. We'll also keep a running post on the "Links from the Podcast" tab so you can refer back to any previous episode. Here's the links for this week:

      18-JAN-2023
      S3E3: Ancestry and DNA: What Your Great-Great-Great-Grandmother Never Told You


      Saturday, January 14, 2023

      Epic Reads


      Yesterday on the podcast, Christen led off a discussion about some of our favorite fantasy fiction with a comparison of J. R. R. Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings” vs. J. K. Rowling’s “Harry Potter” series. I love discussions like these because they often lead us into some very unexpected places, like comparisons of the strength of female characters and then into other fantasy realms altogether, like J. R. R. Martin’s “Game of Thrones.” And while we may not always be factually accurate, it’s fun to discover that we each favored different characters and took away different bits of insight and observation. Sometimes I feel like we could just keep talking for hours, and sometimes we have. Some episodes end and I just can’t wait to write up my blog post and share all the things I forgot to say. That day is not today.


      I’m not sure why, but I feel drained from comparing the two storylines. I love both. So instead, I thought I’d throw out a few other favorite fantasy books and series.  So, listed here in no particular order are my 10 favorite Sci-Fi/Fantasy/Gothic Fiction series that are not the focus of one or more Modern Musings podcasts:



      And because I can’t leave the list without mentioning two of my favorite historical fiction writers:



      Of course, this is not a complete list of my favorite authors and books by any means…there are many, many fine books and series that I have loved – too many to name them all! And after pouring through this list, I see that some have a few new additions.  It might be time to revisit these series again!


      What about you? Do you have a favorite Sci-Fi or Fantasy series? Tell me about it! Is it one that I didn’t mention? Let me know because I might want to read it, too!


      5 Ways to Manifest Your Best Life

      Hi there, and welcome back! Since we have been heavily focusing on goals and planning, I thought we should discuss manifesting. I love this ...