Conversations with the Maiden, Mother, and Crone

Looking at ourselves and the world through the lens of the 21st century.

Wednesday, February 21, 2024

Heard it on the Podcast - February 21, 2024

      

Did you miss a link we mentioned on the podcast? Here's a quick post we do most Wednesdays to share any links or information from the podcast. We'll also keep a running post on the "Links from the Podcast" tab so you can refer back to any previous episode. Here's the links for this week:

21-Feb-2024

S4E8: Read Across America

Monday, January 29, 2024

Navigating Valentine’s Day for the Recently Widowed

 

In our first season of the Modern Musings podcast, Amber, Christen, and I explored the topic of Grief During the Holidays, which we supplemented with blog posts from different perspectives. It’s been one of our most popular episodes to date, and I suppose that is because we all experience grief at some time or another and are all looking for ways to cope with it. Holidays and other special occasions are always tricky because those are often the times when the loss is most profoundly felt. Some holidays and family gatherings are easier to cope with than others because you can change your routines, celebrate differently, or even not celebrate at all. But what do you do when the deceased person is the reason you celebrate the holiday? What do you do to cope with Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, or even that person’s birthday? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. 


My husband, Mark, and I were married for 35 years. More than half our lives had been spent waking up together, sharing daily meals, giving thousands of kisses goodnight, and building countless little routines and traditions that I am only beginning to realize have been suddenly and completely broken. Just the other day, I got a reminder in the mail to schedule my next colonoscopy, and it struck me that I don’t have my person anymore – I just took for granted that whenever I had a medical procedure, Mark would be the one to drive me there and back. And now, the next thing I must deal with is Valentine’s Day.


We’ve mentioned love languages in a couple of previous episodes, but we haven’t gone in-depth. Mark’s love language was giving gifts. He literally spoiled me with his gift-giving because he wanted me to have everything I wanted or could need. If I put something on my Amazon wish list, it was likely to find its way under the Christmas tree or be presented to me on my birthday. He was also a creature of habit. If something worked once, he would do it over and over again because he didn’t want to mess with a good thing. He would stick to the same plan until I got tired of it or we found something better. So it was in this way that we stumbled into some of our favorite holiday routines.


We ritualized our favorite Valentine’s Day restaurant more than 20 years ago. Sweet Basil is a quaint little Italian bistro owned and operated by the same family for countless years. We’ve eaten there a number of times since we’ve lived in the Dallas area, but Valentine’s was always our favorite time to visit because they had a special menu just for the occasion. My favorite was the Veal Oscar, but Mark tried almost everything. We always started with either some crab claws, shrimp scampi, or maybe bruschetta, and a delicious bowl of lobster bisque. Dessert almost always consisted of a double heart-shaped strawberry Napolean and a cup of cappuccino. We had spent so many Valentine’s Days at this lovely restaurant that the owner/host recognized us when we came in at other times. We even had stories from various visits that we would retell years later, like the story of the year we barely had enough money to pay the tab. We laughed about it often, and it became part of the charm of going back again and again.


In about two weeks, I will face my first Valentine’s Day without Mark, which scares me. His loss is still very raw, and I’m not sure of the best way to deal with it. Mark won’t give me a beautiful Valentine’s card this year. He won’t send me roses or buy a box of my favorite Godiva chocolates. We won’t share a meal over Veal Oscar and stories of Valentine’s past. The thought leaves me sad not just because he won’t be there, but that those traditions are forever broken by his death. I don’t just miss him…I miss all of it. 


I was thinking about that the other day and wondered, how am I supposed to cope with this? Do I just stay home and not celebrate at all? That feels so depressing. Could I go to the restaurant and have dinner alone in his honor? I think I would feel very lonely. I think it would make me cry. I don't want to do that in the middle of a busy restaurant on Valentine’s Day. 


I decided to research what other widows do to cope with their grief on these kinds of days. I was surprised to find that there was so little information available. I found many articles on how to take care of yourself as a widow – all the reminders to practice self-care and to take things slowly. Likewise, there were many articles on supporting a widow on these particularly stressful days, like being patient, reminding her that she is loved, and acknowledging her loss. I did not find much of anything sharing how other widows had managed their first Valentine’s Day after becoming a widow. Then I found a post on Our ClassCee Life blog titled “How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day When Your Valentine is… Well… Dead!”


Written by a widow with two young children, Our ClassCee Life chronicles the author’s journey through widowhood along with a “13,800-mile 83-day trip around the country” in an RV as she coped with her loss. Kristyn’s story is fascinating, and I look forward to reading more about it, but I need her tips on dealing with Valentine’s Day right now. That’s where she talked about treating herself just like her husband would have done. 


I could tell that we had like-minded husbands when it came to gift-giving, and those quirky but always useful and genuinely appreciated gifts are something else I am definitely going to miss. So, I may take a cue from Kristyn’s book and buy myself something that I want…something that Mark might have bought for me. I might even invite my son or one of my single/widowed friends to share that special Valentine’s meal with me. And maybe I’ll do something new and meaningful to honor the man I loved, like making a charitable donation in his name or volunteering to help others.


Whatever I decide to do, I know that it will be okay. I know that all of these changes are just part of the process of grief and that I will find what works for me as I work my way through it. I just have to remind myself that it’s okay not to have all the answers. It’s okay just to wait and see what happens, and it is okay to let others love and support me in this journey. I just need to take one day at a time, and I will get through this holiday and all the others that follow. Life will go on. It always does.

Monday, January 8, 2024

Taking a Break and Giving Ourselves Grace

If you read this blog on the reg, you’ve probably noticed that there haven’t been many posts in the last few months. In August, I mentioned that we were taking a brief hiatus because we were super busy, but that doesn’t even begin to touch on what was going on in our lives the past five or six months. I’m not even sure where to start.


As you know from the podcast, Amber married Jason Jones in December and then dashed off on a fabulous honeymoon cruise. Does that mean we aren’t the Maiden, Mother, and Crone anymore? Can Amber be a maiden if she’s been married twice? Seriously, though, this was a very happy event; all three of us did a lot of crafting and creating to pull it off. I think it turned out beautifully, don’t you?




All that wedding planning kept us very busy, but it couldn’t hold a candle to the bigger issue we were dealing with…the health issues faced by my husband, Mark. I’ve probably mentioned numerous times on the podcast and this blog that Mark was ill. I may have even mentioned that it was cancer…lung cancer…Stage 4 Adenocarcinoma, to be exact. He was diagnosed in August of 2022 after visiting his doctor about pain, numbness, and tingling in his left arm. What they found was a metastatic tumor on his cervical spine that was pinching a nerve. No other symptoms. The tumors in his lungs were tiny and had not caused him any problems. He never suspected. We spent the last 18 months pursuing various forms of treatment, including three different series of chemotherapy, two rounds of radiation treatments, proton therapy, a targeted therapy (it had the most promise), and a clinical trial. In the end, none of it worked. 


After three hospital stays in less than two weeks, we were told that the only remaining options were to go back on chemo, which might slow the cancer and give him more days but would certainly take away his quality of life, or he could enter hospice and let the cancer take its course. He chose quality over quantity, and so we began the excruciating process of preparing for Mark to die.


That’s when all the visitors started dropping by. Sometimes, three or four of them on the same day. Staying for hours. Intruding on our time. Keeping me away from things I needed to do. Wearing Mark out so that he had no energy left for the rest of us. 


Of course, this annoyed me at first because I felt like holidays were special, and Christen and I had gone to great lengths to plan the perfect celebration and family gathering. All these people were intruding on our time with Mark and disrupting our plans! But it soon became obvious that Mark was the most vibrant when his friends visited. He was awake, alert, and engaged. He was actually happy. And so I relented, realizing this was what he needed, and if we were really trying to make this time about him, then we had to give him this space to visit and say “goodbye.”


The holidays were a blur. We spent our time rushing about to maintain as much of our planning as we could, but in all honesty, we failed miserably. The Christmas decorations sat in tubs in the middle of my living room floor for weeks before I finally resigned myself to the fact that the decorating would have to be “light” this year. I put ⅔ of the decorations on the tree, hung up a wreath, a bunting, and the stockings, threw some Christmas blankets on the sofa to snuggle with, and pretty much called it done. As for the baking, I think we got two batches of cookies made, and Ashley did one of those. Between visiting with all our lovely friends who came by and scrambling to take care of Mark’s needs, we were too busy to worry about much else. 


We spent a solemn New Year’s Eve watching a movie, and New Year’s Day was much the same. Mark wasn’t eating much by then. I think he took one bite of his breakfast taco and somehow managed to swallow one black-eyed pea. It was a super-fast decline from there, and on January 3, he was just gone.


I didn’t write this blog to be morbid or morose. I wanted to share because we all go through things from time to time that set us back, side-track our plans, or just plain leave us powerless and numb. It is important to give ourselves (and each other) a bit of grace. If you were looking in from the outside, you might see that we suddenly stopped writing blogs, and you might think that we are not committed, lack motivation and follow-through, and aren’t worth your time and effort. But we want you to know we didn’t just stop writing blogs. We are still as committed to Modern Musings as we were, but sometimes life does not allow us to participate in all the ways we so carefully plan. And that’s okay. We do what we can do, and that is enough. We might need to revisit our goals and make them more realistic and achievable. We might just need to pause for a while and rest before picking it back up again. Pausing is not a failure. Changing your plans is not a failure, either. 


Let’s start this new year with grace. Grace for ourselves. Grace for others. There’s always more to every story than what you see on the outside. I hope we can learn to let go of all our ridiculous expectations of how things should be and learn to embrace the way things are because when you are fully present in your life, it’s all good.


Thursday, November 30, 2023

1,001 Books

  


Have you ever read a book that was so outstanding that you couldn’t stop thinking about it, even years after you read it? Or maybe you’ve read a book that was so good, that you had to go back and read it again to absorb it all? This week on the podcast, we are discussing our favorite books and why they are so compelling. I know, for my part, my favorite books have stuck with me for many years, and I often replay scenes in my head as I still try to wrap my head around the complexities of the stories. Some books I’ve reread multiple times and am still awed by the skill of the author to craft such a compelling story. One of those books, Shogun by James Clavell, has kept me mesmerized for more than 40 years, and (spoiler alert!) it is probably my favorite book of all time.


It’s no secret that Amber, Christen, and I are avid readers. We talk about it often on the podcast, and Amber is an English teacher, so…. I don’t read as many books as Amber and Christen, but I do try to read a wide variety of literature spanning all decades and genres. In fact, I’ve made it an unofficial life goal to read as many of the classics as possible, which has led me to tackle some very daunting works, including two that most people never finish: War and Peace and 1001 Arabian Nights.


When I first aspired to this lofty idea, I thought about books that friends, coworkers, and family members had read in school, which I had somehow missed out on in my education. These included books like Paradise Lost, Frankenstein, To Kill a Mockingbird, and Tom Sawyer. I was also curious to read some of the controversial (or even banned) books like Uncle Tom’s Cabin, Lolita, and Salman Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses. As time passed, my list included newer releases such as The Giver, A New Earth, and The Poisonwood Bible. Eventually, I began collecting lists of “must-read” books, and I quickly came to realize that there were far more of these books than I had thought to put on my list. That was when I learned about 1,001 Books You Must Read Before You Die.


First published in 2006, 1,001 Books is a literary reference book compiled by literary critics and edited by Peter Boxall, an English professor at Sussex University. Subsequent editions have refined the list, removing some of the titles by authors who appear more than once on the list and adding newer works and more works written in languages other than English. I think I first heard about it on the Oprah Winfrey Show when she had Peter Boxall as a guest. I was intrigued, and I set out to find the book so I could buy it, but what I found first was a spreadsheet – and not just any spreadsheet – a carefully crafted spreadsheet based on the book that contained the entire list along with the ability to sort, highlight, check off, and otherwise manipulate the titles on the list. It could even tell me how many books I had read versus left to go and show me how many books per year I would need to read in order to finish the entire list. According to the version I downloaded in 2012, at my current reading rate (which doesn’t account for books I read that aren’t on the list), I will only read another 264 books before I die – unless I can boost my reading rate to more than 5 books per month.


My version is an old one. As I mentioned, I downloaded it in 2012. However, I was excited to see that Arukiyomi, the creator of the original list, is still offering this spreadsheet as a download for a very modest “donation” of £3.00 (about $3.80). The current version offered is v7.1 and is based on the 2018 edition of the book. You can download a copy here. While verifying that the list was still available, I also stumbled across a blog post by Kirk Kittle, who created a spreadsheet based on the book. You can read about his version (and download a copy) here.


My 1001 Books spreadsheet isn’t the only place I track the books I read. Several months ago, I compiled a much shorter list of “to be read” books that I’d like to work through first. It is a collection of books both on and off the 1001 list. To make tracking more fun, I added it to my bullet journal as a bookshelf graphic that I color in as I complete each book. I posted a picture of my tracker on my Instagram feed here.


And last, but not least, when I searched for the link to the 1001 Books on Amazon.com, I found 1001 Children's Books You Must Read Before You Grow Up by Julia Eccleshare and Indispensable Reading: 1001 Books From The Arabian Nights to Zola by Wm. Roger Louis. If either of these books turns out to be worthwhile, you can be sure I’ll add even more books to my “must-read” list. With all these options, you can bet I will not run out of things to read!







Wednesday, November 15, 2023

Heard it on the Podcast - November 15, 2023

     

Did you miss a link we mentioned on the podcast? Here's a quick post we do most Wednesdays to share any links or information from the podcast. We'll also keep a running post on the "Links from the Podcast" tab so you can refer back to any previous episode. Here's the links for this week:

15-Nov-2023

S3E46: Dream Travel Destinations

Wednesday, November 1, 2023

Heard it on the Podcast - November 1, 2023

     

Did you miss a link we mentioned on the podcast? Here's a quick post we do most Wednesdays to share any links or information from the podcast. We'll also keep a running post on the "Links from the Podcast" tab so you can refer back to any previous episode. Here's the links for this week:

1-Nov-2023

S3E44: What Type of Person Would You Be in a Zombie Apocalypse?

    Wednesday, October 25, 2023

    Heard it on the Podcast - October 25, 2023

        

    Did you miss a link we mentioned on the podcast? Here's a quick post we do most Wednesdays to share any links or information from the podcast. We'll also keep a running post on the "Links from the Podcast" tab so you can refer back to any previous episode. Here's the links for this week:

    25-Oct-2023

    S3E43:  3 Things a Witch Needs

    We didn't mention any links this week, but here's a few of our podcast episodes and blogs that correlate to this subject:


          Wednesday, October 18, 2023

          Heard it on the Podcast - October 18, 2023

             

          Did you miss a link we mentioned on the podcast? Here's a quick post we do most Wednesdays to share any links or information from the podcast. We'll also keep a running post on the "Links from the Podcast" tab so you can refer back to any previous episode. Here's the links for this week:

          18-Oct-2023

          S3E42:  You Are Enough

          Here are some of the things we mentioned in the podcast: 

              Thursday, October 12, 2023

              What's in a Manifesto and Why You Should Have One

               

              Yesterday, Christen brought up the topic of personal values and mottos on our weekly podcast. In the course of the discussion, we talked about manifestos. But what is a manifesto? For many of us, it has a very negative connotation since it is often linked to terrorists like the Unabomber and others. While it has often been used as a method of spewing hate and chaos, a well-written manifesto can be an excellent way to zero in on your values and beliefs while setting clear and practical boundaries and intentions. Here’s how:

               

              Simply put, a manifesto is a public declaration of policy and aims. The word stems from the Italian manifestare, and from Latin, “make public,” and from manifestus “obvious,” and is related to the word manifest, which means “clear or obvious to the eye or mind” and “display or show by one’s acts or appearance” – “to demonstrate.” Of course, many of us use the word manifest to describe our individual ability to achieve our goals and make our dreams come true. That’s a good thing, right?

               

              Earlier this year, as part of our One Little Word project with Ali Edwards, we were challenged to create our own manifesto. We used a values discovery worksheet much like the one we shared with you here on the “Heard it on the Podcast” blog post for this week. After walking us through the values worksheet, the OLW instructor for February, Lucrecer, instructed us to take our values list and use it to come up with a manifesto that embodied our word and our beliefs.  She shared several examples of manifestos she found with a Google search. There were many different styles, which encouraged participants to create something personal to them. Here’s mine.

               


               

              There is no right or wrong way to write a manifesto, but it should be meaningful to you. Use your manifesto to write out your beliefs, attitudes, and anything you are passionate about. You can be as creative as you like. Lucrecer encouraged us to read our manifesto every day. Mine is in my One Little Word project album, but I’m considering hanging it on my wall so it’s more visible.

               

              Creating a manifesto is a great way to set your intentions. The act of writing changes your ideals into goals, which then allows you to envision the steps you need to take to make them a reality. A manifesto is a proclamation to the world regarding your values and beliefs and creates boundaries that help you protect your space, time, and energy. When we have healthy boundaries, we can give more, feel more, love more, and do more because we are doing so intentionally and are not drained by the circumstances and environment around us. A manifesto is a great step towards manifesting the life you want to live.


              Wednesday, October 11, 2023

              Heard it on the Podcast - October 11, 2023

                

              Did you miss a link we mentioned on the podcast? Here's a quick post we do most Wednesdays to share any links or information from the podcast. We'll also keep a running post on the "Links from the Podcast" tab so you can refer back to any previous episode. Here's the links for this week:

              11-Oct-2023

              S3E41:  Personal Mottos and Values

              Here are some of the things we mentioned in the podcast: 

                  5 Ways to Manifest Your Best Life

                  Hi there, and welcome back! Since we have been heavily focusing on goals and planning, I thought we should discuss manifesting. I love this ...