Listen to the podcast: HERE
We are three women who love to write and have great conversations. Join our weekly podcast where we discuss various topics in deeper learning, spirituality, and living healthier and more fulfilling lives.
Listen to the podcast: HERE
We are three women who love to write and have great conversations. Join our weekly podcast where we discuss various topics in deeper learning, spirituality, and living healthier and more fulfilling lives.
Listen to the podcast: HERE
We are three women who love to write and have great conversations. Join our weekly podcast where we discuss various topics in deeper learning, spirituality, and living healthier and more fulfilling lives.
Listen to the podcast: HERE
We are three women who love to write and have great conversations. Join our weekly podcast where we discuss various topics in deeper learning, spirituality, and living healthier and more fulfilling lives.
Have you ever had goals that you could never seem to get off the ground? No matter how hard you tried, how many plans you made, how detailed the steps were, you never seemed to make any headway. Or maybe it was on your list of to-dos for weeks, months, or even years, but something always happened that kept you from getting it done. A crisis in the family, a project at work, or an illness sidelined your efforts and left you frustrated and disappointed in yourself for not having the fortitude or the self-discipline to get it done. Have you ever considered the possibility that the problem might be the goal, rather than you?
That’s the thought that came to me this morning as I was running through my daily routine, and I thought about my goals for the day. Some of the projects I’ve been working on lately are not really passion projects, but rather things that I feel like I must do. And some of the projects I was initially excited about have turned into a nightmarish collection of things that I’ve started but can’t complete, leaving me feeling guilty about my lack of follow-through and my total ADHD squirrel brain. Some days I feel like I will never get to the things I want to do because of the time I spend not completing the things that I should do. At what point does a goal become an obligation, and when is it okay to say that it just doesn’t matter anymore?
These are just a few of the feelings I’ve been battling as we near the mid-year mark, and my attitude hasn’t been helped by our Mid-Year Goal Refresh episode coming up this week. One of the questions that keeps plaguing me is “What do I really want?” To be honest, most days, I don’t even know. I have told myself I want a flourishing career as a travel agent, along with a measure of success for this Modern Musings podcast and blog. I say I want to travel. I claim to want to create art, or at least be crafty. I swear I am determined to lose weight and get healthy. But are these really what I want?
In January, I posted a blog article about never being able to find time for my hobbies, and my conclusion was that I very obviously wasn’t making time for them because they weren’t a real priority. Anything that is a real priority is going to be put first, or nearly so, right? So why was I prioritizing other things over hobbies that I loved? Why am I now prioritizing other things over goals and tasks that I profess to be important? What do I really want? It’s a question I’ve struggled with most of my life.
Maybe it’s time to take a closer look at my goals and determine if they are things I truly want, or if they are things I think I should want. Do I just keep working at the same goals because it’s what I’ve always done? What would happen if I just decided to let those plans go in favor of something that would give me more happiness now? Is the end result worth the struggle? Or are some other short-term, quick-fix goals the real answer to my motivation?
As we begin our mid-year refresh, take some time to check back in with your why. Why are your goals important to you? Are they still important to you? Has your motivation changed? What are you stuck on? Are you sure this is what you really want?
If you still believe in your goals and are certain they are what you truly and authentically want for yourself, then look further into why you might be unmotivated, bored, or even avoiding your goals. What is holding you back? What do you need to change? What are you afraid of? What might change if you reached your goal?
Answer these questions for yourself and then find ways to update, refresh, change, or revitalize your plans. Then find your next step, and the next. Keep showing up to it, little by little, day by day. It may not seem like you’re making any progress, but if you are consistently moving forward, even if it’s by inches, you will get there. Just don’t give up…not if it’s what you really want.
Cindy Murray is a widow, mother, and grandmother who enjoys nature, good food, and friends. She's an artist, writer, and musician who came from a small town, moved to the big city, and loves to travel. She is the co-founder of Crafty Neighbor, a crafter's resource and events page, and the author of Crafty Neighbor's Neighborhood Gossip, a blog about crafting and the crafts industry. Cindy has worked as a travel agent since 2010 and is the owner/founder of Crafty Neighbor Travel. You can find links to all of Cindy's websites, blogs, and social media accounts here: https://linktr.ee/CraftyNeighbor
In yesterday’s “What’s in Your Cup” podcast episode, Christen shared some big news with us that probably came as a huge surprise to everyone. The news of her sudden remarriage came rather quickly in comparison to her reluctance to announce her separation and divorce from Travis, which she waited months to confess. But more than the timing of her disclosures, I was confused by the methods she used. When she announced her divorce, she leaked bits of information informally to friends and family in private communications; however, she took months to announce it on the podcast and didn’t even want us to change her last name in the introductions. Her marriage, however, was a secret in its planning. Surprisingly, she went straight to social media and the podcast to announce it, but included very little detail and completely bypassed personal announcements to friends and family. She then suddenly disengaged, leaving me to answer all the questions.
I’m not throwing Christen under the bus; rather, I’m trying to understand why some people share news one way, and others completely the opposite. It takes me back to the way my husband, Mark, dealt with his cancer diagnosis versus how I revealed my own. I was very open and forthcoming about my experience, but Mark only shared with a few people, and he didn’t fully confess the severity and stage of his illness…at least not until the very end.
I decided quickly that I didn’t want to hide anything about having breast cancer. I had been an active champion of breast cancer causes for many years, having participated in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day since 2011, both as a walker and a member of the crew. So when I was diagnosed in 2016, I knew I had to share my story – it was just one more way to demonstrate the importance of the cause. I also recall being overwhelmed with emails, texts, and phone calls from friends and loved ones, who were asking for details and wanting more information. I wanted to share, but it was all so overwhelming. I quickly grew tired of repeating the same details multiple times a day, and I started to forget who had been told what.
I can’t remember how I found out about Caring Bridge, but it seemed like the perfect solution to my problem. I set up a page, shared the info about my diagnosis, and then shared it on my Facebook page and with my loved ones. Then all I had to do was update my page when I had any new information to share. My Caring Bridge page is still available for anyone who wants to read it, and I frequently recommend the site for others who are going through cancer themselves.
Likewise, when Mark was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, I encouraged him to set up a Caring Bridge page as well, but he did not. He disclosed his diagnosis only reluctantly, and to a handful of close friends, instead preferring to carry on as though nothing was wrong. Despite a great deal of pain and fatigue, he went through chemo and radiation therapy, continued to promote his business, and built a brand new Dolby Atmos studio at Cake Mix Studios. Most of the people he dealt with on a day-to-day basis didn’t even know he was sick, and most of the people who did know were not aware it was terminal.
When the time came for hospice care, he did finally open up to a larger group of people, and the news gradually spread, which meant lots of phone calls and visits in the last weeks and days of his life. I think I’ve shared some of my misgivings about that. On the one hand, he got very little rest as the visitors often came back-to-back. I felt like it drained what little energy he had, and it most certainly robbed the family of what precious little time we had with him. At the same time, I know it was cathartic for him to have those final moments with loved ones, and for them to have that time with him as well. When I finally started waving people off to give him some rest, he seemed to decline more quickly, as though the visits were the one thing giving him energy to keep going.
Mark wasn’t the only one going through lung cancer at the time. When he told his friend, who happens to be our dentist, he pulled Mark aside into his office and disclosed that he had the same diagnosis, but that he hadn’t even shared the info with his office staff. They spoke about their treatment and prognosis often after that. He never shared that news with me, and although I’ve seen him and his son (also a dentist) at least twice a year since then, I’ve only been able to ask about his well-being in very general terms. The answers are always so generic that I’m not sure how he’s been doing, except that I haven’t seen him in the office lately. Last week, he sent out an email announcing his retirement, as he is turning his practice over to his son.
Similarly, towards the end of my 5-year treatment cycle, I was told by my medical oncologist that my breast surgeon, whom I still saw every 6 months, was planning to retire. I was surprised, since he had not notified me yet, so I just assumed that he would do so in writing, as other doctors had done in the past. Unfortunately for me, no notice ever came. A few short weeks later, I showed up for my semi-annual appointment to find the office locked and a note on the door with instructions on where to retrieve my medical records. I had no further contact from them.
I can’t guess at the reasons for the miscommunication about my surgeon’s retirement, but I think I understand why someone like Mark or my dentist might keep such knowledge close to the vest. You might call it pride, but I think it is something akin to the need to be treated as normally as possible. To continue on without pity or a change in the way people treat you. Mark wanted to live what was left of his life to the fullest, and in many ways, that could not happen if people felt like he was fragile or needed comforting. Just witness the way his friends turned out in droves to visit with him when he finally shared his prognosis. I think, too, there is a little bit of fear that everyone would start bombarding him with unsolicited advice. It happened. People want to fix things. Maybe there’s a treatment they’ve heard of that might help. It’s all too much.
I’ve read article after article about people who choose not to share a diagnosis or big news for that very reason. Human nature is to try and fix things – to give advice (see my article from last week, “What I am is What I am”) – especially when we can’t fix things ourselves. We don’t like feeling helpless, and giving out advice makes us feel useful.
Some news needs to be shared, whether we want to or not. The death of a friend or family member is one of those things that no one wants to pass on, but it has to be done. Sometimes, hard news can be made public by a spokesperson or family representative. When Mark died, I called a handful of close friends and family, but I asked them to share the news with others. One thing I did make clear was that nothing should be shared on Facebook or social media…only by individual contact. The reason I asked was simple – no one should find out about the death of a loved one through a text or social media post. That’s exactly what happened to me when my father died after a lengthy illness. My brother posted it on Facebook before anyone had a chance to call me. For Millennials and later generations, social media and text messaging are their preferred methods of communication, but we must keep in mind that particularly shocking news should not be spread so callously. We have to stop and think about who might see it and how that would make them feel to learn the news in that way. I also think it is important to ask whether a person is in a place to hear news, as suggested in an article on “Sharing a Difficult Diagnosis” in Experience Life magazine (March/April 2024). It is important to exercise “conversational consent” by making sure it is the right time and place for the recipient to hear such news and avoid blurting things out at the wrong time, like while they’re driving a car or in an important work meeting.
Likewise, make sure your spokesperson is okay with being the one to share the news. Sometimes the news is not theirs to deliver. I didn’t feel it was my place to share the news of Christen’s marriage, and I was thrust into that role when she avoided doing it herself, likely because she was afraid of what others would say or think about it. Her reluctance left me with a burden I did not want to bear, as I tried to answer questions I had no answer to, all while dealing with my own anxiety over the whole ordeal, and even though I had expressly requested she tell our friends so I could quit avoiding their questions. It was awkward and unfair. And I forgive her because I know she did the best she could.
\Whatever the reasons someone might choose to keep news private or share it with the world, it is ultimately their news, and it needs to be shared in a way that works best for them. There is no right or wrong way. We are all doing the best we can, and if we can all remember that, our cups might spill a little less.
Cindy Murray is a widow, mother, and grandmother who enjoys nature, good food, and friends. She's an artist, writer, and musician who came from a small town, moved to the big city, and loves to travel. She is the co-founder of Crafty Neighbor, a crafter's resource and events page, and the author of Crafty Neighbor's Neighborhood Gossip, a blog about crafting and the crafts industry. Cindy has worked as a travel agent since 2010 and is the owner/founder of Crafty Neighbor Travel. You can find links to all of Cindy's websites, blogs, and social media accounts here: https://linktr.ee/CraftyNeighbor
Listen to the podcast: HERE
We are three women who love to write and have great conversations. Join our weekly podcast where we discuss various topics in deeper learning, spirituality, and living healthier and more fulfilling lives.
I started writing this blog, and this title came to me from an Edie Brickel and the New Bohemians song (circa 1988). In it, the singer (Edie Brickel) expounds on her feelings about taking philosophy and religion too seriously. I know many people think that about psychology, too, especially when it comes to archetypes. You either believe in them or you don’t. I’ve found that the Myers-Briggs, enneagram, and even astrology archetypes present a simple way to categorize personalities, and they help me take a more logical approach to understanding who I am, how I operate, and what my motivations might be. The same is true of Jung’s Collective Unconscious, which Amber brought to us earlier this week.
I think we discussed several of the archetypes in the podcast, and we all had opinions on which ones seemed to fit us the most. I’m not here to rehash all that. What I want to talk about is whether or not it is “okay” to be a certain personality type. Must we always try to change? To become more of this and less of that? Is there anything inherently wrong with just being who we are?
When we recorded our Enneagram episode, I discovered that I am a Type 1 – the Perfectionist, also known as the Reformer. In my follow-up blog post, I shared what that looked like for me and how I cope with being a perfectionist in a non-perfect world. Most of what I talked about was changing me, specifically, changing how I react when life isn’t perfect. I felt empowered to understand why some things just seem to drive me crazy, and why I always feel the need to “fix” things or make them “better.” But then, something a friend told me made me think differently.
I don’t remember how we got into the conversation, or even what the specific topic was, but I think I mentioned something about a person complaining about their life but not taking any action to make it better. The person in question was quite resistant to suggestions of any kind, as though they liked being stuck in a never-ending cycle of frustration and disappointment. My friend pointed out that I shouldn’t offer advice because not everyone wants to be fixed. I can’t remember exactly how she worded it, but the point was that the person who needed to change was me, not the person who was complaining. She wanted me to mind my own business and leave well enough alone.
To be honest, I was hurt. Deeply hurt. My friend made it sound like I go around picking out what is wrong with everyone and trying to change them into my own image, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I don’t offer advice to everyone; in fact, I am very selective about the people I “nurture”, and I only provide it when I see that they are struggling with something or that a situation is hurting them. Even then, I don’t bring up the subject unless the person brings it up first, usually as a complaint, and the advice I offer is always based on my own experience with the same situation. However, my friend’s comment insinuated that my generosity in offering kind words of advice was some kind of character flaw that I needed to correct. Her comment made me start questioning everything I did.
I’m a Perfectionist/Reformer. It is my nature to try to fix things and make them better, not just for myself, but for everyone around me. Does that mean I am broken? Is being who I am wrong? For instance, another of my friends bemoaned the fact that her family never celebrated her birthday. This was after I had talked about what my family had done for my birthday. She insinuated that she wanted them to do something for her birthday, so I suggested that maybe she should just tell them what she wanted. Why suffer in silence? My family’s birthday celebrations didn’t just happen by accident – I planned them. I insisted on them. I made my expectations clear. Maybe, just maybe, her family didn’t even know that she wanted a birthday dinner. I said it pretty much like that, and I let it be. I didn’t goad her to take any action. I didn’t insinuate that she was wrong. I didn’t try to fix her. I just offered her another perspective, and I left it at that. Is that crossing some invisible line that I don’t know about?
Going back to Jung’s archetypes, in the podcast, we talked about how I am always busy, and how friends often tell me I do too much – that I should cut some of my activities out of my schedule. It always winds up turning into a discussion about how one friend does nothing but sit and read all day; she’s happy with that, but I cannot live that way. I enjoy having lots of things to do. I like having distractions from doing the same thing every day. I need multiple hobbies to balance out the multiple responsibilities that I am frequently burdened with, and which tend to take up most of my time. I can’t get rid of the responsibilities; if I were to cut back, it would mean giving up the things I enjoy. Yes, I would love to get rid of the extra responsibilities so that I have only fun things to do all day, but that’s not going to happen, and I am not willing to give up on the rest just because someone who doesn’t like to be busy thinks I do too much.
I’d also like to point out that I am somewhat confident that my personality lies somewhere on the autism spectrum. At the very least, I have ADHD and a bit of OCD, although not to the point that it interferes with my ability to live a fairly normal life. I’m quirky, have eclectic tastes, and tend to hop from one project to another. But in that autism/ADHD/OCD tangle is logic, and my brain loves logic. You might even say I have an engineer brain. So when I hear a problem, the logic part of my brain is looking for a solution. I am compelled to engineer my way out of it, even if what I am engineering is art, beliefs, or emotions. That’s who I am. I’m also very growth-minded. As a perfectionist and reformer, I want to be better, even if that means being less of a perfectionist and reformer. So my question circles back to this:
“If we, as healthy, self-accepting individuals, recognize these traits in ourselves and we understand how those tendencies affect us and the way we interact with others, isn’t that enough?”
Are we somehow required to moderate those characteristics? To tone them down so they are more acceptable to others who aren’t so motivated? Does this need to change apply to all of the personality types? Am I supposed to dim my particular light just to fit in? And where do we draw that line? Is it every personality type, or just certain ones like the Perfectionist or the Performer? Are we supposed to balance ourselves so that we become more homogeneous? Is the end goal for us all to be the same? Or is it more likely that we need the Perfectionists to point out the flaws, just as we need the Epicure/Generalist to try all the things and discover what is new? By being different from one another, we help each other learn and grow, even when we don’t want to, and the balance comes from our diversity. Isn’t it also true that those who are of my tribe will understand me and accept me as I am, a perfectionist and all?
Cindy Murray is a widow, mother, and grandmother who enjoys nature, good food, and friends. She's an artist, writer, and musician who came from a small town, moved to the big city, and loves to travel. She is the co-founder of Crafty Neighbor, a crafter's resource and events page, and the author of Crafty Neighbor's Neighborhood Gossip, a blog about crafting and the crafts industry. Cindy has worked as a travel agent since 2010 and is the owner/founder of Crafty Neighbor Travel. You can find links to all of Cindy's websites, blogs, and social media accounts here: https://linktr.ee/CraftyNeighbor
Listen to the podcast: HERE
We are three women who love to write and have great conversations. Join our weekly podcast where we discuss various topics in deeper learning, spirituality, and living healthier and more fulfilling lives.
