The Secret Is...

In this week's podcast, we talked about the seven secrets to a perfect holiday. The word “perfect” is relative. I’ve learned over the years that perfect doesn’t exist if you set your expectations too high. Something will always go wrong. I want to say the biggest secret in my mind is that there is no secret to a perfect holiday.

One of the most memorable holidays I had with my family was one of those holidays where everything seemed to go wrong. I call it the “Great Pumpkin Disaster.” That year, my grandmother, my mom, and I decided to make a trio of pumpkin desserts: Pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread, and pumpkin cupcakes. 

My grandmother is a perfectionist when it comes to all things pumpkin. She is always the one to make the pumpkin desserts. In fact, she never lets anyone in the kitchen when she is cooking. On the flip side, she won’t let anyone cook in the kitchen without her (because it is her kitchen). So, it was nearly impossible to cook your own recipe without her input. That being said, maybe I could have used her input that Christmas, but I was always irritated when I tried to cook in the kitchen and she constantly hovered over me. My grandmother used to say, “Too many cooks in the kitchen...”

My mom and I cooked first working on our pumpkin bread and cupcakes while kicking my grandma out of the kitchen multiple times. I love making cupcakes and it was the first time I had ever made pumpkin cupcakes. The result was pretty disappointing. My cupcakes sank in the middle and only a few turned out edible. I didn’t understand what was wrong. It had to be something wrong with my grandmother’s oven, but no one believed me. Next, my mom’s pumpkin bread came out of the oven as hard as a brick but still, no one believed me that there was something wrong with the oven. My grandmother claimed it was because we wouldn’t let her help us.

Finally, my grandmother made her pumpkin pies, and they almost caught fire in the oven, leading to hysteria in the kitchen as we prepped for Christmas dinner. My grandmother didn’t want to believe that it was an oven problem and swore that it was because she wasn’t cooking. When she pulled the pies out of the oven, they were completely black. My mom and I busted out laughing at the situation. My grandmother got so angry that she took a piece of my mom’s “brick” pumpkin bread and threw it at her head. My mom, in return, grabbed a cupcake and threw it at my grandma. That turned into an all-out war in the kitchen and throughout the house. We started chasing each other and throwing bits of pumpkin at each other until all three of us were covered and we had a huge mess to clean up.

I think back to that day whenever I bake any of my grandmother’s pumpkin recipes. We had to buy our dessert that year, but the memories of that Christmas with my mom and grandma will last a lifetime.

I want to hear from our readers. What is your perfect holiday? What are your holiday secrets? Let’s continue the conversation below. Have a wonderful holiday!

My 7 Secrets for a Perfect Holiday

 

My Thanksgiving Day schedule on the fridge. Next to the stove, you can see my recipes on a stand.

Have you noticed how time seems to fly when we get close to the holiday season? This is my favorite time of year, and yet I seem to always be running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to get everything done, and getting flustered, flummoxed, and frustrated in the process. If you can relate, then I am here to tell you it doesn’t have to be that way, and I think I’ve found the secret to making any holiday just about perfect.

Like many families, the last few years around here have been fraught with change…COVID, unemployment, extra family members living with us, illness, death…we’ve survived it all, and it has changed the way we look at Christmas (or any holiday for that matter). At some point, I just gave up trying to be the perfect hostess presenting the perfect dinner in a perfect house with all the perfect touches for a perfect event. Where does this idea of perfection come from anyway? I think we’ve all been watching too many Hallmark movies! Although I truly do know better than to expect perfection, there is something in me that has this “perfect” picture of the holidays in my head and I’ll be darned if I’m not going to try and accomplish it! 

A few years ago, I finally figured out that I can’t do it all on my own, and I enlisted the help of my daughter, Christen (who you know from this blog and the podcast), and my niece, Ashley. One early fall day, we enjoyed happy hour at our local Chuy’s and decided to plan our holiday festivities, nailing down any and every detail we could think of along with assigning a person to be responsible for it. It was nothing that I hadn’t done before, but having it all spelled out in writing and with two other family members to back it up, it carried weight.  We planned it together. Who was going to challenge that?

Those first couple of years were focused on Thanksgiving and Christmas, and many of the activities in our “plan” involved baking days, crafting days, and even some movie-watching and game-playing days. As each day rolled around, we found it was easy to know what was supposed to happen and when so most things went off without a hitch. After each holiday, we would regroup, make notes about what worked and what didn’t, and set it aside for the next year. This planning has become our routine and has been amazingly effective even through COVID and all the aforementioned changes. And because of the success of all this planning, I was able to discover what I call my 7 Secrets of a Perfect Holiday. 

1. Be realistic. 

When you look at what you want to accomplish realistically, you may find that what you want isn’t just a challenge – it can be impossible. Pick and choose what you really want to include, and learn to say “no” to anything that goes beyond that.  

When my family started planning, we quickly realized that some family activities just weren’t going to happen when we are all  together, so we opted for going our separate ways for things like visits with Santa and driving around looking at lights. We also quickly realized that to have all of our Christmas baking and decorating done in time to enjoy it, we had to start working on it the weekend after Thanksgiving. Now, baking and decorating on that Saturday is part of our Thanksgiving/Christmas ritual.

2. Make a plan.

Once you know what is most important to you, start planning it out. Think about all the details like time constraints, supplies needed, and who will be responsible for each part. Plan out the menu for your meals and then break the recipes down into little steps that are scheduled throughout the day or even the day before.

Knowing that we are going to make cornbread dressing on Thursday for Thanksgiving, we knew that we had to bake the cornbread on Monday so it could dry out to bread crumbs. I made pies the day before. Then, for the day of our feast, I start at the time I would like to serve dinner and work my way back through all of the recipes so that everything is done and ready to serve at exactly the right time. If a recipe calls for chopping celery, I mark on the plans who will be chopping. In this way, every person knows exactly what they are doing and when…right down to setting the table, changing clothes, and putting on make-up.

3. Delegate.

This was one of the hardest things for me to do. I’m a control freak, and to allow someone else to do something that I am perfectly capable of doing (especially when I have a specific way I want it done) is darned near impossible, but I’ve learned to do it. I realized some while back that the other women in the family are never going to learn how to do things unless I allow them to do it and learn, and someday it will be up to them to carry on our family traditions. I owe it to them to bring them in on the process – to teach them the way. It has been a lifesaver for me. Learning to let go and let someone else do it allows me to focus on other aspects of the holiday like baking my special recipe or coordinating all the other helpers. This year, more than half of our Thanksgiving dishes were made by someone other than me, and my brother and niece set the tables.

4. Lower your expectations.

This can be hard, too, especially if you have some kind of Norman Rockwell/Hallmark movie picture of what Christmas (or any other holiday) should be like. Remember that 70% rule Christen talked about a while back? It applies here, too. If you can manage to get 70% of what you hope to accomplish, I’m betting you’re going to have a great holiday. And remember that delegating thing? Don’t expect too much of your helpers, either. It’s perfectly okay if your niece sets the table with the forks and knives on the wrong sides of the plates. No one cares. Really. No one cares.

5. Be in the moment.

If I learned anything from our adventure reading Eckhart Tolle’s, A New Earth, it is this – be in the moment. The moment is now. Now is all there is. Make the most of what you have. Enjoy it. Be fully present. 

This was never more evident in our family than this past Thanksgiving. My brother and his family came to visit, and rather than change our plans, we decided to just bring them in on all the fun. For Saturday, the plan was to rise early, eat some donuts and start decorating my tree. In the afternoon, we were going to start some of our baking and take turns at building gingerbread houses. If there was enough time in the evening, we would either play a game or do some crafting. But things change. Christen wasn’t in the mood for donuts, so she brought breakfast burritos, too (a big hit with everyone), and we were having so much fun visiting with my sister-in-law and doing some crafting that we never did decorate the tree. In the end, the “boys” played a game while we crafted, and then we all got in on the gingerbread houses, taking turns at the dining room table. It was all good fun, and while I wished I had gone to bed that evening with a fully-decorated tree, it didn’t kill me to do it the next day. The point is that we were in the moment, enjoying what was, and not worrying about what was supposed to be. I wouldn’t trade those hours of crafting and talking with Lisa for the world.

6. Stick to your budget.

This may sound super obvious, but budgets have a very real and valuable purpose, and that is to keep us out of trouble! It’s very tempting to shop for groceries for a dinner and add one more side dish or appetizer, or to discover one more gift for someone that you think you must give. I am so guilty of this! Especially when it comes to gift-giving. I will find the perfect gift for someone and then the very next day find another little something that would be perfect for that person. But, oops, if I buy one more for this person, then I need to find another little something for that person, and it just keeps adding up. I love using things like Amazon Wish Lists to buy gifts because I can quickly tally how much I’ve spent on each person and stick to my budget. It’s a lot safer for me than just randomly milling through stores looking for something. Santa has the right idea; make a list, check it twice, and stick to it! There’s nothing worse than overspending on a meal or gifts and then eating beans and rice for the next month just to pay for it.

7. Stick to your routines.

This last little tidbit is more about self-care than anything else. Often, when we are caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holidays, we tend to overlook things like our diet, exercise routines, and even sleep. Be sure to stick to your regular sleep schedule as much as possible (even when you have company!), and don’t give up on those exercise routines. A morning work-out, evening meditation, or that wonderful soak in a hot tub might be just the thing to help you keep the stress at bay. As for that diet…well, we all over-indulge once in a while, so just be mindful and don’t make it another habit that you’re going to have to change come January 1.

That’s my secret to having a perfect holiday. I’d like to know what you think. Do you have any tips to share with our readers? Be sure to listen to the podcast on Wednesday to hear what Christen and Amber have to say!

Sugar Free Recipes for the Holidays

One thing I really enjoy about this time of the year is the baking. My mom and I spend quite some time together in the kitchen. Even my daughter Reyna enjoys partaking in this holiday tradition. There is usually a great deal of laughter, a little swearing, at least one bickering session over techniques, and a lot of bonding that goes on. Each year Mom and I sit down and pre-plan out what sweets and treats we will be making, and the cookies, candy and holiday bread start churning out of the kitchen shortly after thanksgiving is over. Most of the candy is shared with others, but that doesn't mean there isn’t a mountain of candies on the countertop at both of our homes. We make these sweet treats to enjoy and share but too much can be dangerous for our health. 

Cindy and Christen making Fruit Cake Cookies 

also known as Christmas Crack

You might not be aware, but my husband is diabetic as well as my mom. I am also working hard on maintaining my own healthy diet, as I am very close to being diabetic myself. I had weight loss surgery in 2018, and I need to keep a close watch on my carb and sugar intake. It is a real challenge when the winter months come around to stick to our diets because we all want warm fulfilling foods, and to top it off the sweet tooth really seems to come out too! In the past, Mom and I would just make lots of candies, and not be concerned with the amount of sugars we were consuming. As the years have gone on, and we are more self aware, we realized that some changes need to be made so that we can continue our baking traditions, but not kill ourselves and our family with all the excess sugars and carbs.

One thing I want to specify is that there is a wide spectrum of food, recipes and replacement sweeteners out there. You will want to watch things closely; just because something is sugar-free does not mean it is low in carbohydrates. I am not a health food expert or nutritionist by any means. Infact, I regularly depend on others' expertise to make sure that I am making healthy choices and selecting the right products. I have been learning some tricks though. It seems that this past year especially, Mom and I have been exploring various family recipes that we have enjoyed over the years, but with a twist. We will take one of the ingredients (like the sugar) and convert it to a sugar-free substitute, or exchange the flour for a lower-carb or no-carb option. We have even tried some keto recipes that were very similar to some of our all time favorites. 

There have been some successes and some major failures. My best advice I can give you at this time is to try it at home for casual dining first to ensure that it tastes good. Don’t volunteer to make someone’s birthday cake and then try to make a keto cake from an unfamiliar method without trying it first. Sometimes you will be blown away by the similarity, and other times gravely disappointed. For example, we made a keto dump cake while camping a couple of months ago, and it was a little disappointing. I was just glad that it was only our family eating it, and not something we had to take to a potluck!

The absolute best recipe conversion that we have done to date was an old favorite of mine since I was a kid called “Mexican Wedding Cookies”, also known as “Russian TeaCakes” and “Snowball Cookies”. I think I have seen them called “Danish Cookies” as well. Mom and I have made these cookies time and time again. They have a short ingredient list so the taste is very specific and consistent year over year. This is a simple recipe if you want to try something sugar free and are still on the fence about the taste of sugar free desserts. It's also a great way to bake and give someone the gift of a sugar free dessert, which would be totally awesome, because you can ask anyone who is restricted to sugar-free options and they will tell you that there is hardly ever anything sugar-free for dessert.

So bust out your apron, you will want it for this delicious sugar-free recipe below:

Be sure to listen in on the Podcast on Wednesday and we will be taking a deeper dive into sugar-free baking. If you would like a printable version of the recipe click here.

Homemade Christmas Cards: An Easy Craft for the Holidays

Hi there! It’s Cindy again, and after all the serious discussions about goal setting and grief, I thought it might be time for something light-hearted and fun. So this week on the podcast we’ll be talking about Christmas cards, and we set up a poll on the Modern Musings Facebook Group. We want to know whether you send cards or letters at Christmas, or is this a tradition you have long since abandoned? And for those of you who still send cards, or would like to start, I’ve put together a little post about some simple cards you can make yourself.

Making your own cards can be a fun way to spend a fall afternoon, and it doesn’t require a lot of experience or supplies. The two cards I have for you today are super easy and require very few supplies, so they are perfect for a beginner card maker. And, of course, an experienced card maker can dress them up any number of ways if they want something a bit more challenging. 

Tip: If you are a beginner, start small. Choose to make only one or two of each design and once you’ve done those you can decide whether to make more.

To get started, you will need:

• 2 card bases, any color (you can make two from one piece of 8.5”x11” cardstock)
• 1-3 pieces of Christmas themed patterned paper (1 piece for Card “A” and 3 different pieces for Card “B”)
• Coordinating green cardstock, approx. 2”x4”
• Brown cardstock or ribbon ¼” or ½” wide by 3½”
• Coordinating ribbon to match patterned paper
• Sequins, rhinestones, enamel dots, stickers, or tiny buttons 
• Star shaped sequins, rhinestones, enamel dots or stickers
• Scissors
• Adhesive or glue

Christmas Tree Card

This first card is a modified version of one I sent out to my friends and family 10-12 years ago, and it’s still one of my favorites.

To begin, fold your card base in half and burnish the folded edge with something hard like a bone folder or the back edge of your scissors. If you are using 8 ½” x 11” cardstock to make your card base, cut it in half to make two 8 ½” x 5 ½” pieces; this will be your two card bases. Fold the long edge to make a standard A2 card. Set one aside for the second card.

Cut one piece of patterned paper to 4” x 5¼”. If you like a wider card border, you can cut it to 3 ¾” x 5”. Adhere the patterned paper to the center of the card front with glue or adhesive tape runner, leaving an even border around the outside edge. Adhere the brown strip of cardstock to the center of the card about ½” from the bottom of the patterned paper.

Cut the green cardstock on the diagonal from one corner to make two triangles. Set one aside for a second card. Cut one triangle into four chunky blocks. Adhere these to the brown trunk starting with the largest block about ¾” from the bottom of the trunk, moving upwards with successively smaller pieces and leaving about ¼” or less between the blocks.

Tip: Lay the four blocks out to see what they look like and get the proper spacing, then glue each one down when you are satisfied with how they look

Decorate your tree with sequins, rhinestones, enamel dots, stickers, or tiny buttons as desired. 

That’s it! You did it! You made a Christmas card!

Packages Card

For the second card, you will take the second card base and burnish the folded edge just like you did on the first one. Using the three coordinating patterned papers, cut three rectangles measuring 1 ¾” x 3”, 1 ½” x 2”, 1 ½” x 1 ½”,

To stack the packages, place a line of glue or adhesive on the bottom edge of the smallest piece and lay the middle piece on top of it, overlapping by up to ¼”. Then place a line of glue or adhesive on the bottom edge of the middle piece and adhere the largest piece in the same way. 

Once your three pieces are stacked and your glue is dry, you can add the ribbon. Adhere one end of the ribbon to the back side of the patterned paper so that the ribbon is right side up when you fold it over the front of the packages. Wrap it around the packages and adhere the other end to the back of the packages. 

Adhere the packages to the card base. If you’re good at tying bows, you can add one to the top of the packages for a little extra flair.

Tip: This card works great as a birthday card, too! Just change up the patterned paper!

That’s it for the cards. I hope you enjoyed making them, and if you want to see more of my cards and projects, you can check out my Crafty Neighbor blog and Instagram pages. But if you like the look of homemade cards but don’t want to make them yourself, check out my Etsy shop! And don’t forget to tune in to our podcast starting Wednesday when we talk about this tradition.

How We Grieve and Why It's Different for Everyone

Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and earlier this week, Amber opened a discussion on grief during the holidays. In our podcast, I shared a few things my family did to lessen the sadness of missing a loved-one during important family holidays, while Christen talked about working through a holiday, and Amber shared her personal experience with holiday grief on the blog. Dealing with grief is such an important topic that I wanted to dig a little deeper -- I want to continue the conversation about how people grieve and how we can help each other through the tough times.

Let us start by talking about what grief is, and how we experience it. Many people think that grief and mourning are the same thing, but they are not. Mourning is the outward actions that we take when we have a loss; grief is the internal thoughts and feelings we experience. Likewise, people often mistakenly attribute Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s 5 Stages of Death and Dying to the stages of grief, but in fact, her research was about people dealing with their own deaths. According to psychologist and author Dr. J. William Worden, there really are no “stages” of grief because grief is not linear. His model is a set of “tasks” that a grieving person works through to find the way back to some level of function and normalcy. These tasks can occur in any order, or even concurrently. Sometimes, in the process of grieving, a person will go back to one or more tasks repeatedly. The tasks are:

The most important factor in this process is time, and there is no specific timeline for grief. Every person’s response to it is different and quite subjective. But the idea is to work our way back to a level of function as we move forward. Charles Jacob, a psychologist and teacher at Sacred Heart University, says, “Eventually, we just start trending back to normal.” He says that the real key is to get through the pain and then to derive meaning from all of it that “doesn’t leave us feeling completely hopeless.”

One of the best things, besides time, to help with grief is to share it. Experts agree that talking with friends and family, and telling stories about our loved ones is beneficial. It can even be helpful to talk to strangers, thus the growth of online grief support groups and the trend of pop-up “grief cafes,” where participants join a group of strangers over coffee, cake, and, of course, lots of talk about death.

WebMD’s “19 tips for coping with holiday stress and depression” includes tips like:

• Make realistic expectations for the holiday season.
• If you are lonely, try volunteering some time to help others.
• Limit your drinking, since excessive drinking will only increase your feelings of depression.
• Try something new. Celebrate the holidays in a new way.
• Spend time with supportive and caring people or contact a long-lost friend or relative and spread some holiday cheer.

One group that has an especially difficult time with death and grieving is children. Kids of different ages deal with grief differently, and it is often done in spurts because their brains simply cannot tolerate more. Moreover, children will continue to grieve in different ways as they age and mature, continuing into their 20’s when their brains are fully developed. Mila Ruiz Tecala, LICSW, Center of Loss and Grief in Washington, D. C., tells us that when “children are not helped to grieve at every stage of their development, they experience cumulative losses.” Unresolved grief has been shown to create a higher risk of depression, unemployment, smoking, over-eating, lack of appetite, and risky behavior, and has links to immune disorders, hypertension, cardiac events, and cancer.

No matter the age of the child, the experts agree that it is important to make sure they know that it is acceptable to show emotions and talk about the person who died, and that it is okay to be sad.

To help children during the holidays:

If you have more tips on dealing with grief, we’d love to hear about it. Please join us as we continue this conversation in the Facebook group.

Thanks for sharing!

For more information about grief cafes, please visit the following websites:

• https://deathcafe.com
• https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org/need-know-info/from-us-to-you/pop-up-good-grief-cafes/
• https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org

Alone for the Holidays

Hi everyone, it’s Christen here. This week, we have been discussing grief and loss during the holidays. Most of the time, when we think of loss during the holidays, we are considering those times when we lost a loved one due to death, or a relationship ended near the holidays. While I was thinking about this topic, I remembered a time when I was alone during the holidays, but it was not because I had lost a loved one; it just so happened that my work schedule conflicted and I was not able to partake in the holiday fun. It is not as heartbreaking, for sure, but it can really leave you down in the dumps. 

Being the work-aholic that I am, I tend to find myself already booked up and committed to work things during the holidays. I keep my nose to my keyboard often, and am always looking for extra ways to make an extra buck. With that being said, sometimes during the holidays, I am working two jobs if one comes available. One year, I had this awesome opportunity to work for Boston Market, a homestyle rotisserie chicken restaurant popular in my area. They offer a special Thanksgiving meal that can be preordered, and picked up ahead of time, even on Thanksgiving Day itself. Knowing that I had restaurant experience and call center experience, a family friend of mine had offered me a temporary position to follow up with the previous years customers offering them the opportunity to place their orders again. I was excited to take up this job and did it for several years. 

One year though, my little brother, Steven, was in college at Texas A&M and was not going to be home for Thanksgiving. His college always played a football game on Thanksgiving Day, and it is a big deal for Aggie fans to participate in the game. He was in the Corps of Cadets and they marched the field during halftime. The Aggie parents of the students have a huge Thanksgiving day tailgating party, and my parents were not going to miss this opportunity to join in on the fun! My parents made plans to head down south -- a 3-hour drive to celebrate with the other Texas A&M fans. I was not able to take time off from my job the day before to head down there with my parents, which left me home alone for Thanksgiving. 

At first, I was a little disappointed that my parents would “abandon me” for Thanksgiving, seeing as I had never spent that holiday without them, but I quickly got over that, because, let’s get real, it’s not all about me. Missing out on Turkey Day with my folks did give me the chance to decide what I wanted to do, and that really made me feel like an adult (I was in my 20’s - so you know, adulting was a new concept). At first I felt rebellious, and decided that I was not going to celebrate thanksgiving because I did not “have to” for once in my life. Then I decided that I didn’t want the day to go to waste, so I offered to work that day too! I ended up working on my very first holiday. If you have ever had to pull through shift work on a holiday, you know what it is like. There is almost like an extra special team spirit about it. Yes, you all look each other in the eyes and know that you are going to make it through this day, and muster through it, so you can get home to be with your family.

I am grateful for the experience that I had with my work family, and I never take for granted the fact that there are those out there that do end up having to work on the holidays, and I was especially happy the next year to be with my family again. I think next time, I may find other fun things to do besides working if I can help it!

Four Christmases

Hey this is Amber Garvin with my first official blog post and I’m here to talk about grief during the holidays. The subject is hard for me because I don’t have a family in a traditional sense anymore. Both of my parents have recently passed away, and I am newly divorced. So, in a sense,

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” – Vicki Harrison.

The holidays are coming, and it is not my favorite time of the year. In the past, I looked forward to November and December. Not just because I am a teacher and I get some much-needed time off work but also because I got to spend time with my family. I come from a very traditional family. On Thanksgiving, we had turkey and dressing at my Maw Maw’s house sitting around my great grandmother’s table eating family style. My family always had at least four kinds of pie on Thanksgiving as well. After dinner, we would play board games with football playing in the background. My mom, cousin, and I also have November birthdays, so we usually celebrated our birthdays on Thanksgiving as well.

Christmas was a big deal in my family also. Every year, we picked out a real Christmas tree from the local tree farm and we decorated it together as a family. I’m an only child so it was just my mom, dad, and me. Every year my mom and I also made Christmas cookies and candy together to wrap and deliver to extended family and friends. Christmas was my mom’s absolute favorite time of the year, and she went out of her way to make it special for everyone throughout the years. Her favorite thing to do (and she did this well into my adult life) was play the role of Santa for my dad, Maw Maw, and me. In the early hours of Christmas morning, she would fill the family stockings with various knickknacks and would place bigger presents under the Christmas tree. I remember the Christmas after I became a teacher, “Santa” surprised me with office supplies for my classroom. Around noon on Christmas Day, my whole family would gather at my Maw Maw’s house, and we would have a family gift exchange. These gifts were usually handmade, or food related of some kind. Food gifts were also a huge tradition in my family. Every year, my mom was always the one to pass out the gifts as well. The holidays were special.

My dad died in 2017 and in 2018 my mom died just a little over a year later. The Christmas after my mom died, I obsessively tried to fill her shoes as “Santa.” I went over the top with gifts and baking. In my grief, I tried to make it seem like there weren’t two giant holes in the holiday. In the year after my mom’s death, my ex-husband and I fell out with the rest of my family due to grief and differences of opinion. In 2019, I had decided to forgo the holidays and my then-husband, and I took my Maw Maw to a casual diner for a Christmas lunch. We didn’t exchange presents at all that year.

The last picture taken with both of my parents: Christmas of 2016

In 2020, amid the pandemic, I had a lot of time for clarity and self-reflection. I was finally able to deal with my grief over the loss of my parents. My ex-husband and I had also separated right before the holidays as well. 2020, was looking to be another year of holiday avoidance. At the same time, I didn’t want to avoid them. I was ready to take my grief head on and channel it into something more positive. The holidays are overwhelming as it is but adding grief to the mix can make them unbearable for most. In November of 2020, I began to make amends and my extended family was happy to welcome me back into the fold. Once I became open to trying new things, I realized that I wasn’t as alone as I thought.So, in 2020, I started new traditions with four Christmases. 

The key to coping with grief is to not completely abandon your old traditions. Last year, I decided to mix old traditions with new traditions to see where I would end up. The week before Christmas, I made around 200 Christmas cookies to wrap for family and friends, then on Christmas Eve, I began a three-day long trek across Texas to get my holiday groove back. 

I started in Carrollton with my Modern Musings family. Cindy and Christen have been inviting me to their family Christmas for years but this year I completely immersed myself into their traditions of gingerbread house building (my first one ever), Christmas caroling, and Christmas Eve pajamas. It was like we had been having Christmas together for years and I was grateful for the love that my Modern Musings family has shown me. Next, I went to my hometown of Vernon and spent Christmas morning with my childhood friend Stacy and her family. For dinner, I went to my cousin Stephanie’s house. I had not seen her and her family much after my mom’s death. Some of my extended family I was seeing for the first time in two years, but it was like I had never broken tradition. My family welcomed me back with open arms and open hearts. We had dinner, played board games, and exchanged food gifts. My cousin Steven even showed the family his new hobby of axe throwing, which may just become a new family get together tradition. Finally, I was invited to my extended cousin Lavonna’s house the day after Christmas for a family get-together that I have never attended. 

I went through many stages of grief in the years after my parents died and my marriage fell apart. For a long time, I was scared of new traditions and opted to avoid the holidays altogether. I realized that aside from hurting myself in avoiding the holidays, I was also hurting the extended family and friends that wanted to see me and experience their traditions with me. My takeaway is that it’s okay to start new traditions after tragedy. It’s okay to keep old traditions. It’s okay to combine traditions to whatever works for you. For the longest time I avoided the people that loved me because I was grieving, and I was being unfair to myself. I’m not sure what I will do this year for the holidays, but I take comfort in the fact that so many people have been there for me in the past year, and it makes me feel less alone and more hopeful for the future.

The holidays are hard when you’ve lost loved ones, but you are not alone. What are your favorite holiday traditions? Have you experienced the same things that I have? I want to know. Comment below or e-mail me at info@modernmusings.net.

December Bucket List

Hi everyone, thanks for stopping by today. My name is Christen Hessler. I hope that everyone is enjoying your fall and living in every moment. I am sure that many of you are just now winding down from Halloween and haven't even begun to think about Thanksgiving, but before you know it, Christmas will be here and gone! So really, truly make sure to live every moment while you can. Today, I want to share with you a fun way to enjoy all the things around the holidays and specifically December’s festivities. Since we have been talking about December Daily, I thought this would be a great time to discuss this because you can incorporate some of these everyday activities into your December Daily. 

December has many fun things to offer for my family: not only Christmas and Hanukkah, but my mother and husband’s birthdays as well. Let’s not forget some of Hollywood’s best movies come out between Thanksgiving and Christmas too. Our daughter, Reyna, is out of school, so we get to spend more quality time with her, and to wrap it all up neatly at the end, there is New Year’s Eve to celebrate as well. 

When it comes to December, or any time during winter really, I like to think up all the fun things that my family and I really don’t do any other time of the year, and we start planning who we might want to include in those fun activities. I really do enjoy planning out my holidays. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a rigid schedule of events, but there are just so many traditions and holiday activities that I enjoy. I know if I do not plan at least some of it out, I will end up missing a lot of things that I wanted to do. It is easy to get caught up spending each weekend watching Hallmark movies. The worst is when you want to do something fun with the family, or you have relatives in town, and you stress yourself out trying to find something exciting to do at the last minute. 

The best remedy is to have a bucket list! That's right, I said it. It is completely ok to have a bucket list, and let me just preface this with a reminder that you don’t have to do it all. Now, if your family is down for a challenge, that's an activity of its own, trying to knock out as many “Christmas clichés” as humanly possible. I did that one year and it was a blast - but you don’t have to make it too complicated. 

Over the years, I have compiled a massive list of fun things to do that have helped me live in the moment during the month of December. I wanted to share this list with you because I have implemented it in my December Daily scrapbook in order to capture all the little moments and quirky traditions that my family has cultivated over the years. I have captured and documented those moments so that we can look back at them and reminisce. Below are some of the bucket list items I wanted to share with you today to get your mind buzzing and to hopefully give you a starting off point towards creating your very own list. 

• Enjoy a favorite beverage from Starbucks or local coffee shop

• Coordinate matching buffalo plaid outfits with co-workers, friends or family.

• DIY ugly Sweaters

• Make handmade Christmas ornaments

• Host or attend a cookie/candy/ornament swap

• Make handmade holiday greeting cards

• Build a fort in the living room

• Bake cranberry bread

• Wear festive jewelry (the gaudier the better)

• Grown-up hot cider and snowplows

• Take the dogs/kids for a snow hike

• Create your own holiday music playlist

• Buy a gift for the “angel tree” or a community gift program

• Send over some homage baked goods to your neighbors

• Christmas pajama fashion show

• Make paper snowflakes

• Make paper garlands

• Decorate gingerbread houses or gingerbread men

• Tip the mail carrier and other service providers

• Holiday themed mani-pedi

• Read Charles Dickens’s “A Christmas Carol”

• Share the “Gift of the Magi”  with the children

• Holiday themed family or pet photo shoot

• End of year letter to friends and family

• Watch a scary or nontraditional holiday movie

• Go to the movies and see a December blockbuster

• Go ice skating or play hockey

• Family game night

• Go see a performance of “The Nutcracker”

I hope that this list gets you inspired for the holiday season! There is a FREE downloadable version of this list that you can print off and add to your holiday planner, family binder, or even stick to your fridge! There are so many creative things that can be done with the list. You can add them to your December Daily as an actual bucket list or simply use the list you create while planning out fun activities for your family during the holiday season. I personally love the idea of using the list as a starting point for capturing the memories during the festivities. I would love to hear what some of your must-do activities are during the month of December. Is there anything that you are hoping to try differently this year? Please make sure to add to the comments.