Keeping Your Priorities Straight

In yesterday’s podcast, Amber, Christen, and I discussed the challenges of balancing work and home life. It’s been an age-old problem, and not just for women. In the past, I’ve been a helpless bystander as I watched my husband work himself to death at a very demanding job that left him exhausted at the end of the day with no energy or time for his family. It was brutal, and it was damaging, both physically and mentally. I am no different. There are times when my job demands that I finish certain projects on a deadline, and I find myself working alone in the wee hours of the morning, trying to get it all done. At the time, it felt like it was my biggest priority, but was it?

Today is the 6th anniversary of the day I learned that I had breast cancer, which started an onslaught of doctors appointments, surgeries, radiation treatments, and medications that had unpleasant side effects. Around that same time, I also found out I was a Type 2 diabetic (more medicine, more doctors, more yuk). I also wound up with injuries to both my knees, requiring two surgeries, countless sessions of physical therapy, and chronic pain.

At a recent therapy session, I was chatting with my counselor about how busy I was and how I didn’t have time for this or that task that was weighing on me. I was bemoaning the fact that I have so many doctor's appointments all the time, often two or three in the same week, and how it felt like an imposition on my time. Time I should be using to further my business or clean my house. Time to do that bookkeeping that’s overdue. Time to tend to my own self-care by crafting or reading or watching a movie. How was I supposed to get all these things done if I had to spend two or three of my work days every week at doctor’s appointments? I felt inconvenienced and I resented it, but she helped me see it in a different light.

I can’t remember exactly how she worded it, but the essence of her point was, “Your health is the most important thing, right?” I had to admit that she was right. My immediate health was of primary concern, even though I often put that concern aside to take care of everyone else – a habit that many women have passed down from generation to generation. Women tend to take care of everyone but themselves and only tend to their own needs once everyone else’s needs have been met. My mother-in-law was one of those moms, and in the end, that was what killed her. She spent her whole life taking care of everyone but herself, and by the time she got the wake-up call to address her own issues, it was too late. It breaks my heart, because she was a beautiful and vibrant woman whom I admired very much.

Women aren’t the only ones who do it; men have a frustrating tendency to downplay their illness and injuries because they don’t want to admit their vulnerabilities and because they value their ability to be the provider for their families above all else. 

So why do we do this? Why do we ignore the pain in our back, the signs of high blood pressure, or our growing waistline? The thought goes that taking time to care for ourselves is taking away from our “priorities,” and so those “very important tasks” won't get done.  We assume (you know where that gets us) that our work and taking care of our family are our biggest priorities. But what if we looked at it another way?

Our health, both mental and physical, works in a sort of snowball effect. When we ignore the signs and symptoms of illness or injury, those signs and symptoms usually get worse, progressing into bigger and bigger problems. Problems that may become so big that we are unable to work. It may even threaten our life. By addressing the issues as they occur, by making our health a priority (which it should be), we can spend a little time now to avoid a bigger problem later. We can’t earn that paycheck if we are laid up in bed after a heart attack. The first and foremost priority is always to protect your own health so you can continue to provide for the people who depend on you. That’s why the tedious demonstration at the beginning of your flight reminds you to put on your own mask first before helping your child or anyone else – you can’t save your baby if you’ve already passed out.

When my therapist put it to me that way (and believe me, she didn’t use that many words; I came up with all that by myself), it really struck a nerve. All this time I had been resenting my doctor appointments because they diverted my time from things I’d rather be doing, when all the while, I should have been grateful to have this opportunity to figure out what was wrong and to correct it. I should have been grateful for the doctors, the insurance that pays for them, and the medicines we use to make me better. I should be grateful that the doctors were so thorough and so concerned about getting it just right. I shouldn’t begrudge this time; I should embrace it. And when I thought of it that way, everything changed.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that all those other things aren’t important. We still have to get up and go to work, wash the laundry, and get the kids off to school or whatever, but if the laundry is a day or two late because I had an appointment to get an x-ray on the thumb I jammed the day before, or if I have to go back to my doctor for a follow-up on the new medication I started, then I should just appreciate my doc’s due diligence. The laundry can wait, and my boss doesn’t want me to pass out at work because my medication is the wrong dosage. If I hadn’t gone to that mammogram appointment 6 years ago, if I hadn’t followed up with the biopsy or the thorough physical with my primary care physician, I might never have known I had cancer or diabetes until it was too late. Those simple acts of taking time to do what was right for my health saved me from much bigger problems down the road; it probably saved my life. So remember, you can’t look only at the issues that are burning right now. You have to consider the long-term effects of the things you don’t take care of now, too. 

Here are some tips my therapist suggested to help me prioritize, and don’t forget, you can use that handy Eisenhower Matrix we talked about!

• Make your health a priority:  You can’t help others unless you take care of yourself. A broken wheel will upset the whole cart.

• Assess and reassess your tasks and priorities:  What is really important and what can wait. Is the world going to fall apart if you stop and take 5 minutes to schedule an appointment? Keep adjusting the list of priorities as the day or week goes on. Just because you set something as a priority on Monday does not mean it is still the most important thing on Wednesday.

• Do what would help most right now:  If you’re short on time because you need to take a little self-care time, then look at that list of priorities and decide what would be most helpful right now.  Sometimes getting a little win, crossing something quick and easy off your list, or alleviating the burden of a bigger project will help take the weight off your shoulders. And what you choose as “helpful right now” may not be the same thing you would choose as “helpful” tomorrow, so really take a hard look at that list of tasks and do what you can.

• Make the most of what you are doing:  This goes back to Eckhart Tolle and his lessons about being fully present. Don’t go into that doctor’s office thinking about what you should be doing – use that time to focus on your health. Accept the fact that you are there. Be focussed on the reason you are there, and make the most of it. Enjoy the opportunity to take care of yourself. Have enthusiasm for the process of working with your doctor to make you healthy. It is amazingly empowering.

If you are like me and my husband, and you tend to put off your own self-care to take care of your home, your work, or your loved ones, I hope this article has helped you see things in a different light. You can’t build a house with a broken hammer. Fix your hammer, then you can figure out how to build your house. Thanks for reading, and I hope you’ll comment below or join us in the Facebook chat group to continue the conversation.

 

 

Can You Just Stop Complaining?

This week on the podcast, we talked about chapters 3 and 4 of Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth” and one of the concepts in those chapters was the idea that the act of complaining comes from the ego and is, in fact, a way for the ego to situate itself as superior to others. As we have discussed in previous episodes on this topic, the ego continually does things to set itself apart from others and to give itself more power. It likes to play the victim. The ego thrives on drama, and the more isolated one feels, the more different, or the more unique, then the stronger the ego becomes. Taking this idea a step further, Tolle tells us that when we complain, we are saying, by implication, that we are right and the other person (or situation) is wrong.

Tolle tells us that to go beyond the ego, we must stop reacting to it. We must stop complaining. But wait! We all complain sometimes, right? Does this mean we can’t ever say anything? That we have to put up with bad service or rude behavior? 

, No, Tolle tells us that there’s a difference between complaining and informing. Informing is passing on important information. It is all about facts, not feelings. There are no accusations. No guilt. No resentment. When you inform, you realize that it’s not personal, so there is no longer a compulsion to react as though it were. When you inform, you are simply letting the clerk know that they gave you the wrong change, or telling the waiter that the soup was cold. In contrast, a complaint is fraught with emotion, often in the form of offense or outrage. A complaint is accusatory. The ego feels insulted, put-upon, wronged. The two reactions are very different, and thus the outcome is also very different.

I find this notion intriguing. I wonder if any of us know just how often we complain. After talking recently with a friend, we both agreed we complain a lot. When my friend mentioned following a social media influencer who was taking part in a 21-day “no complaining” challenge, my immediate thought was, “Oh crap, it’s only 10 AM and I’ve already failed miserably!” Then I laughed and told my friend I didn’t think I could make it even one day. I complain a lot, and I know it.

I come from a long line of complainers. My family and I used to cringe at things my grandmother would say about other people. She was super critical of anyone who wasn’t like her, and even some who were. She would refer to women her age as “that old woman,” and make snide remarks about people’s weight or their clothing. It was embarrassing, but we loved her. My mother was much the same. In her later years, she has complained about every single person on the planet in one way or another. She complains about her food, other people’s hair, or how long she has to wait at the doctor’s office. Lately, I’ve written it off as a symptom of her dementia, but I’m not sure. She’s never happy; or maybe she’s only happy when she has something to complain about.

Over the last few years, I’ve caught myself repeating the same bad behavior. Complaining about waiting in line. Cursing at traffic. Put out by slow service or forgetful waiters. I’ve grumbled about perceived injustice, imagined slights, and honest mistakes. I’ve been judgmental and even rude. When I catch myself, I wince and think, “I sound just like my mother,” and I make a vow to stop. It never lasts long, because sooner or later, some other insignificant something will come along to “ruin” my day, and before I know it, I’m right back where I was before, complaining about everything that isn’t exactly the way I want it to be. 

 

“Ego takes everything personally,” Tolle tells us. And often, in the midst of my complaining, that’s exactly how I feel…as though the universe is out to get me. But of course, that is just my ego. I know this. And lately, I’ve been trying to stop myself (mid-complaint if I’m slow on the draw). Tolle assures us that the moment we become aware of the voice in our head as nothing more than a conditioned pattern (the ego), then that ego is weakened. We also know that whatever you have learned (like complaining), we can also unlearn.

 

I guess that means there is hope for me yet. Maybe someday complaining will no longer be a habit for me. I try to imagine a world in which no one complained. What a wonderful world that would be. I’m willing to give it a try. Are you?

 

I’d like to challenge you to go a day without complaining. Or maybe just see how long you can go without complaining. Can you go for an hour? A day? A week? More? Tell us about it in the comments below or join the conversation on our Facebook Chat Group.