Self-care is the Best Care

Hello everyone! This week on the podcast, we are talking about what we do for self-care and why self-care is important. What is self-care? According to the Global Self-Care Federation, self-care is defined as “the practice of individuals looking after their own health using the knowledge and information available to them. It is a decision-making process that empowers individuals to look after their own health efficiently and conveniently, in collaboration with health and social care professionals as needed.” Simply, take care of yourself.

Why is this such a problem for people? As I’ve learned in life, not taking care of yourself will simply kill you. That’s the bottom line. My mother was great at taking care of things. My dad, grandma, and I (and her pets) were her world. She didn’t eat until everyone else ate. She spent endless hours making sure my grandmother ate, took her pills, watched her favorite shows, and took a bath to the point that she sometimes forgot to do those things for herself. My mom didn’t eat the things she wanted to eat; she always let everyone else choose. My mom didn’t do the activities she wanted to do; she went along with what I wanted to do. Her family and friends were her world, and when she wasn’t spending time with us, she was at work for endless hours (until she was forced to medically retire). My mom ran ragged worrying about other people and oftentimes neglected her health. As a result, she suffered a series of strokes at the age of 59 and eventually died of heart failure just shy of her 64th birthday.

I, too, was going down the same path as my mother. I had just turned 30 when my mother suffered her strokes, and I moved in with her and my grandmother to take care of them; it was like my life turned upside down. Before that, I lived alone and I had a routine. I woke up at a certain time every day, took my medication, ate at a certain time, followed a daily regime of skincare, and went to the gym regularly. I put all of my things in storage and started sleeping on my grandmother’s extremely uncomfortable couch when I wasn't sleeping in a chair at the hospital. Eventually, with the help of my cousins, I was able to move a bed into my grandmother’s sewing room, but this was after months of sleeping where and when I could, showering whenever I had the chance, and eating from the hospitality station next to my mom’s hospital room…which consisted mainly of yogurt and cheese sticks.

After my mom eventually got well enough that she didn’t need someone attending her 24/7, I was able to start working again. However, in my new place, it was hard to get back into the strict routine that I had. Unfortunately, I had let myself go. I gained weight, I started breaking out, and I became too comfortable with a sedentary life. As the years passed, I slowly slipped into putting others’ needs above my own and eventually began to lose myself in the needs of others. 

After my separation in 2020, I began to slowly pick up those routines again. I started a strict skincare routine of cleansing my face daily and applying shea butter lotion to the rough skin that had developed on my arms and legs. I started giving myself regular pedicures and manicures and wearing the right makeup that didn’t break me out. Other than that I started dressing for my body type and picking up old hobbies that I had lost over the years. Slowly, I began to feel satisfied with myself again. I started working my way out of the slump that I let myself fall into. Eventually, I started eating better as well. Is everything perfect? No. Do I need to go to the doctor more? Yes. Will I get back to the routine that I want in my life, taking years of time and effort? For sure. But, I have given myself a level ground to continue on because I can still be there for other people and maintain myself. That is the takeaway. You can be both. You do not have to be one or the other.

I want to hear from our readers. How do you practice self-care? Do you have any self-care tips that you want to share? Please comment below!

This is Me: Trying to Balance Home and Work

Reyna sick and being comforted our dog Arya.

Sometimes I tell myself that I fail miserably at balancing my life. I know I shouldn’t say that to myself, but it comes out. It does not always come to me in words that I say out loud; the majority of the time, it is just a feeling. Guilt, shame, and embarrassment are just a few of the feelings that I slide into when I think about all the things I should be doing or did not get to do. It's almost like the pile of junk in my clutter area is taunting me. I am sure that kind of negative self-talk is something that many can relate to.

I’m still newly wed and still new to motherhood. Travis and I are approaching 2 years of marriage and 3 years of living together. Although the time seems like it is flying by, I sometimes get the feeling that I should have some of this routine stuff down, but I don't. I still forget to restock his favorite snack, and there have been many mornings when Reyna has come to me because all her school uniforms are dirty –oops. 

I have said it before, and I will say it again, having a routine has been my life saver. And if I cannot manage to stick with the routine, then I genuinely try to not beat myself up about it. I have found that my life is a lot more peaceful when I accept what is and what is not, and move on. If I note that I have a current “failure,” I resolve to correct the issue, and I try to find ways to prevent it from happening again. I don’t allow myself to repeatedly bring up the issue in my inner dialogue, either. Coming up with a game plan to get back on track is the first step to stopping that broken record.

Now that I am married, I make it a point to get off work early and not allow myself more than 1 hour of overtime each day unless it has been previously planned out. I found in the past that, since my work hours were flexible and I am in a management position, I would stay late at work to finish projects and certain tasks. If you find that your work life is overflowing into your personal life and affecting your ability to spend quality time with friends or family, or it is chipping away at your personal downtime, then I suggest that you reach out to your supervisor to see what changes can be made to better suit your off-schedule time. If you are your own boss, or have a more flexible schedule like I do, then you will want to manage that on a daily basis on your own terms. You have to think about it from the employee point of view, and ask yourself “would I be a happy employee if my boss made me work like this?” If your answer is “no”, then you need to step back and be your own best advocate, you wouldn’t want to have burnt out employees, so don’t do that to yourself either.  

The main areas in my life that I struggle with now that my work balance is more in control are: house cleaning, meals, personal care time, positive connections with others and major projects that can be time consuming. 

These past couple of months for me have been very busy for me and my family. We have had several outings, including a canoe trip, a weekend long scrapbooking convention, Father’s Day, birthdays, illnesses, and two major employee functions at work to top it off. We had plans to go to a waterpark, too, but decided to postpone that. It seemed like there was no day off between any of the events, and I did not think I would survive if I spent an entire day at a waterpark in the sun. I might just crash from exhaustion. I need at least one day to myself.

I have an established routine, and these events disrupted my routine at every turn. Laundry got piled up and the house got a little messier. The fridge was suddenly empty (no coffee or milk, yikes), but there was no time for groceries, so then we ate out too much. The DVR was starting to erase my shows I had not watched because it was too full, and then before I knew it, I started to feel like my life was spiraling out of control. Did I try to do too much in too little time, you betcha! Would I do it all over again, you betcha! 

In order to get things back on track and feel like I had some sort of control over my life, I told my family to take 1 hour together and just start cleaning. This has to happen when everyone is at home at the same time and we do it as a team.  If there was something in the wrong place, pick it up, if the laundry was done, swap out a load. If you see trash throw it away. After about an hour, the house was looking so much nicer and a lot of stress was off my shoulders. Then I pulled out my day planner and started making a list of the other things that needed to be managed.

Sometimes you just have to go back to the drawing board, or in my case, the day planner. If you get off your routine, pick up at a sensible place, and start crossing things off the list. Do the small tasks first and break bigger tasks up into smaller ones. Getting small tasks out of the way gives you a boost of morale and that feeling of accomplishment and normalcy. Tidying up was a bunch of little wins! Just having the clutter put away was enough to get me back into a good mood, and it motivated me to work on some of the other challenging tasks. 

I do find that when I work from home, having some of these home tasks left incomplete can be a huge distraction for me. It was not so bad when I worked in the office, but I have noticed it now that I work from an in-home office space. If my work area is cluttered with sticky notes and pens are not put away in the cup, I can’t spread out on my desk and utilize my work space. My office is also my craft space, and if it is disorderly, even though it is behind me,  it distracts me while on zoom meetings. When I’m at work, and the laundry is calling my name, I find myself thinking about dirty clothes when I should be working. I found that if I can do a little bit of home care before I head off to my long commute down the hallway each work day, I can eliminate some of that head clutter. I will try to get a load of laundry started while I'm waiting for my coffee to brew, or I can clear out the fridge or tidy the bathroom. When I finish working for the day, I make sure to tidy up my work space and close up my projects.

If you want to know more about ways to organize yourself, you are in the right place. Modern Musings has several podcasts and blog posts on getting your life in alignment. If you are not listening to the podcast, you are missing out on the conversation, so be sure to click on the “Listen” tab up top to check out our upcoming podcasts posted every Wednesday. This week, we will be going into more detail about our struggles and tips to achieve the work and home life balance. Do you struggle with home, work, and family life balance? What areas of your life seem to get neglected when your attention is pulled elsewhere? Be sure to let me know in the comments.

Today, as I got dressed for work, I contemplated my choices. I put on a company t-shirt, and pajama bottoms. This is my business attire for the day. I have one on one meetings with my team today so I need to look decent. “They won't see my pants” I tell myself, assuring myself that my choice is validated. Make-up? What is that? I hardly ever wear it anymore. 

What happened? I used to get all snazzy for work everyday. I loved having my cute work outfits, and I was starting to see drastic changes due to my weightloss surgery. My life was starting to fall into place before the pandemic. I had met the man of my dreams, became a Stepmom, had plans for a wedding, and my career was going great. Suddenly, life got altered and put on hold. Due to social distancing and sheltering-in-place during the initial outbreak of COVID-19, I started working from home. Now, I have different levels of pajamas:  sleepwear, house cleaning pajamas, and work pajamas. 

This break in routine has led to many days of not feeling “myself”.  Honestly I have survived, and I don’t have much room to complain; my life was minimally impacted, with no loss of life in my immediate family (unlike so many), and we were also very lucky to still have our jobs. We have been fortunate! So why am I so down in the dumps and feel so “off”?.  I truly believe that the change in routine, over and over again, is a huge factor.

It has been noted from many sources that getting dressed will significantly increase a person’s mood, especially if they are struggling with depression. I have always struggled with seasonal depression, and the added stress of all the changes in my routine did not help me. That’s what I feel has been going on with me since COVID-19 hit. I am aware of my struggle and working hard to take care of myself to my best abilities. 

One of the things that I have been doing without realizing during this time, is undervaluing myself. I have constantly made certain little choices and my justification of them has been chiseling away at my self esteem, bit by bit. I will tell myself things like “I don't need to put on fresh clothes, I have not done anything today.” We have all said something along those lines, and it seems harmless, but when I dissected it and looked deeper at the long term effect I discovered that I was basically telling myself that I did not earn clean clothes, as if I did not deserve to have clean clothes on. Another one that struck me hard upon realization was “I don't need to take a shower, I’m not going anywhere important.” No, taking care of my household and working from home is important even if it's just a few steps away versus a commute in a car ride. This is something going on every day, and multiples times throughout the day. At times, I would feel so down on myself. I would say things like “I’m so gross” or “I’m filthy.” It broke my heart to hear myself and to realize what I was saying in my head. I was beating myself up about being unclean, and then turning around and gaslighting myself for not doing anything around the house – convincing myself that I did not deserve to take a bath. It was a full on assault from all ends.
As I have mentioned several times in previous blogs, my word of the year is RISE and I have been trying to incorporate it into all aspects of my life, work, home, family, mental and physical health, and even in my hobbies. I consider my self-care and physical appearance as part of the mental and physical health category. One of my objectives is to elevate my personal care including my attire. My personal care encompasses hygiene, grooming, and primping as well as getting back into a fitness routine, getting my beauty sleep, and much deeper internal growth, like my daily narrative, and self esteem. 

My realization had come after speaking it aloud – it hit me. I don’t have to accomplish some major goal in order to get a decent shower! Being able to bathe and clothe myself is a human necessity and according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, a base necessity for me to thrive. When those basic needs are not met, we shutdown. We cannot fulfill a higher purpose if we do not have shelter, security, clothing etc. I deserve a shower, anytime I want it, I don't have to earn it. I am not required to produce some laborious sweat, or toil with some object or check off an action item, in order to pass this non-existent gauntlet I have created for myself.
 
Coincidently, my boss at work had a fun little survey to kick off our weekly virtual team meeting. She asked how many people wore the same shirt two days in a row. I was shocked to hear how many of my co-workers admit that they were wearing the same outfit that they had on the day prior. It was almost every single one of our fifty-plus meeting attendees. Openly admitting that they were sporting yesterday’s dirty laundry. Many of them justified this by saying, “I’m not going anywhere,” or “I’m just sitting here pushing buttons on a keyboard.” The whole conversation was enlightening to say the least. I was baffled at how many people were willing to admit their dirty little secret, amused, as well as re-assured that it was not just me. But with that reassurance, came validation for my whole concern. My coworker also undervalued himself! He doesn’t just type on a keyboard – he is an integral part of our team and a valuable member of our company. We are all struggling.

I am here, with you, trying to make sense of what my life is now -- who I am and what I need deep down inside, like so many others, still picking up the pieces and trying to carry on with our lives after (technically, still during) the pandemic.

I really like this article, A Guide to Getting Dressed When You are Depressed, by Emily Torres on The Good Trade. It really made me feel good reading it. She speaks to me. Her first tip is to put on clean underwear! That just seems silly to some folks I am sure. But to anyone who has suffered from depression, then I am sure you can relate in some way. Just remember, you deserve clean underwear, even if all you do is get right back into bed - despite having bathed or not. 

I encourage you to help me keep the conversation going. Have you been struggling with self care because of changes due to the pandemic or from working from home? Have you noticed this change with friends, family and colleagues?  Please join us on MMC chat, our Facebook chat group, or comment below.

How I Filled My Cup

Filling my cup. What an interesting concept, this metaphor. As an English teacher, I am obsessed with words but what does this metaphor mean? It can be taken in a few ways. I have always thought of myself as a “glass half full” person – an optimist. I might be depleting something, but at least there is something left. Let’s call the “something” in the glass “energy”. Let’s also say that the “cup” in this situation is you, the reader. Is your energy half full or half empty? What are some ways that you can fill your cup with life-sustaining energy without overfilling it?

First, you need to sit back and decide what kind of energy your cup already has in it. Let’s back up. What even is “energy?” If you are not a metaphysical or “meta” person, you might not be fully aware of the energies surrounding us or our life force. In different cultures, the source of life, or life force, takes on different identities such as “Chi” or “Qi” in Chinese culture, and “Mana” in Hawaiian culture. This energy is, of course, different than scientific energy (kinetic, potential, mechanical, etc.). In Chinese culture, there are two types of energy: positive energy and negative energy. I’m going to go a step further and say there are different types of positive and negative energies. It is all in how you present yourself to the world.

A friend of mine has been recently struggling with a negative influence in her life. She asked me why she attracts such negative people. I told her that it was the energy she gives out into the world. In the past, I have called her “friend goals” because everyone wants to be her friend. She is the most positive person I know. Her cup is overflowing with positive energy, and she spreads it freely out into the world. People line up to drink from her “positive cup.” I know this because I have the same problem. I’ve learned to combat it over the years, but I often wondered why I felt so down and drained. It was because I was attracting the same type of people in my life (friends, relationships, family, etc) that wanted a drink of my positive energy.

Three years ago, I decided that I needed to make a major life change, and I continued to do so as I shed physical weight and the mental weight of the unrealistic expectations of toxic people. The more I did these things, the more I realized that I had a lifetime of negativity fighting for my positivity and that included negative expectations I had of myself. The first thing I did was quit my job and then I moved to a new town. I thought that physically distancing myself from all the toxic energy would help, and it did for a while, but I had to do more than that. My cup was drained of positive energy.  The negative people in my life were suddenly making themselves known, and my cup began to fill with their negative energy. I started doing things in my life that I wouldn’t normally do, such as calling in sick to work and spending money carelessly.

A year and a half ago, after my ex-husband and I separated, I started on a journey of self-reflection. There were still so many wrong things in my life that I needed to change physically and mentally. My cup began to fill again with positive energy, and it attracted positive people in my life once again. I reconnected with old friends and family that I hadn’t seen for years. I even started doing the things that I loved again, which led me to write this blog and start a podcast with my friends.

Things I did to fill my cup with positivity and bring my life back into balance:

• I started writing again: Writing is my favorite pastime over anything else. I started writing (and reading) at a young age. When I was in sixth grade, I wrote my first book. I published my first poem when I was 17 years old. Last year, Christen convinced me to start creative journaling, and it went from there. Now I have truly adopted a concept I teach in my classroom, which is to write every day.

• I tried new things: When I started writing again, I started exploring the area near my house (amid the pandemic, of course) and I began ordering from new restaurants that I wouldn’t normally have tried. I also started writing restaurant reviews on Instagram. When restrictions eased up, I started trying new coffee shops, and I began to develop a small following. In January, I implemented a “22 coffee moments in 2022” challenge on my Instagram Ms.Garvin.Writes.

• I reconnected with my spirituality: In 2014, my mom had a series of strokes, and I gave up my job and everything I knew to move in with her and take care of her. Until my marriage separation, I had become a caretaker of others and not for myself. Aside from writing, I also put my spiritual pursuits on the backburner. Recently, I started studying them again. I had never lost my spirituality and my interest in the metaphysical, but it had become dormant as I began to live my life for other people.

• I unpacked: I moved to my current place last summer. As I was moving, I realized that I hadn’t opened any of the boxes since I moved in with my mom in early 2015. I hadn’t seen my things in six years. I had moved so much in that time that I started to leave things in boxes and never unpacked. I decided that I was going to unpack ALL of my boxes. That was cathartic. I laughed and I cried at all of the memories I had missed.

• I got rid of the excess: After I unpacked every single box that I had carried with me from place to place, I began to declutter. I had so many things that I didn’t need or want, such as kitchen gadgets I would never use or books I would never read. I had boxes of mail from years before. If you have never decluttered before, it is the most uplifting feeling.

• I started self-care routines: I have written before about losing weight and losing clothes to mold damage. As I replaced my damaged and oversized wardrobe, I began to buy clothes that fit properly. In addition to my new body confidence, I started a skincare routine, and I started wearing makeup that interested me.

• I started counseling: This was a big turning point for me because I hadn’t fully worked through the death of my parents. When I began the divorce process, the stress in my life came to a peak, and I began to have almost daily panic attacks. I had used the excuse in the past that mental healthcare was unaffordable and that I didn’t need it. I suddenly realized that my cup was empty. I needed to talk to somebody about the things that had been going on in my life. Someone that didn’t know and wouldn't judge me. We all need that sometimes. 

All life has to have balance. In a perfect world, your cup would be filled with an adequate amount of everything you need, and it would have the right balance of positive and negative energy. We have to actively work to keep that balance, or we spiral out of control. It is an everyday struggle for me not to give in to the negative influences that drain my cup. The best advice I can give is to find the things that make you happy and work for them. Fill your cup with that. If something is draining your cup, detox it from your life.
I want to hear from my readers: What has been draining your cup lately? Comment here or continue the conversation in our Facebook group, MMC Chat.

Are You Ready for Galentine's Day?

 Hi Friends!

This week on the Podcast and Blog we will be discussing Galentine’s Day. I had heard of Galentine’s day in the past, but I had never known exactly where Galentine’s Day came from. I have always enjoyed celebrating Valentine's Day with whomever – friends, family, or co-workers. I was always single, so I liked to give out valentines; it kept my mind from wandering and worrying if I was going to get any or not that year. My mom and a close friend always send me a Valentine every year, but you know, sometimes Valentine’s day can be lonely for some. 

That's exactly why I love the idea of Galentine’s Day! What better way than to lift your female companions’ spirits up, let them know you appreciate them, and send love out into the universe. I think we often get wrapped up in the expectation that Valentine’s Day is only for romantic love. It can be so much more – love for your friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, and even yourself.

My mom and I were talking the other day and we were speculating on when Galentine’s Day started. She had mentioned that there was an online article in Good Housekeeping insert link here) about it. According to the magazine, the first known mention of Galentine's day was in the TV sitcom Parks and Rec. I have not seen that show, but it is on my to-do list. The article mentioned that the character took all her girlfriends out to brunch and showered them with gifts and lengthy love letters. Doesn’t that sound fun?

Prior to COVID and the lockdown, I was an Employee Engagement committee member for the company that I work for. One of my main responsibilities was to come up with fun, engaging activities for the employees that promoted team building and gratitude for each other. We especially loved Valentine’s day as we would decorate the break room with gigantic hearts, flowers and balloons, and people would wear pink and red. We would also have a competition, where each employee got a white or brown paper lunch sack. They had several days prior to decorate their sack. The committee would then go around and vote on the most creative for a prize. Employees also got the chance to go around to everyone’s desk and give out candies, Valentines cards, and little goodies. It was like being in school again. And seeing all the personalized notes from coworkers, professing their platonic love for you, just really sends you home for the day with a huge smile on your face. It also gave employees the chance to express gratitude for one another without feeling awkward or singling people out; it could be done with a cute note taped to a pencil or lollypop. 

Some of the cute bags that my co-workers made!

Unfortunately those days have passed. Now that the opportunities for me to bond with my co-workers have become more virtual, I have clung tighter to my inner circle of friends more than ever. That inner circle, my girl tribe, my besties, are the women who lift me up when I am down, and I would not be able to survive without them. So, this year we are going all out for my girlfriends this year. I have some handmade Galentine’s Day cards that I have made. I also have a little gift baggie to present to each of them. I enjoy putting together little party favor bags. I guess that’s something I missed from working in the office, too. Since we will be celebrating Galentine’s Day with our girlfriends by having brunch on the 13th, we won’t have the opportunity to decorate goodie bags. I am going to present a hand made bag for each of my gals. Each bag will be all cutsied up with hearts, paper doilies and glitter! I have not finished purchasing my contents for my bags, but I am thinking some fuzzy socks, a few pieces of candy, maybe a cute pencil and some girl power products will be great. I have about 10 bags that I want to make, so I have to keep my budget in mind. I also have  to prepare for Reyna’s school Valentines party. 

Regardless of the gift or the budget that you have, anyone can celebrate their gal pals. Sometimes a heartfelt note, a hug or your devoted time is what lets people know you care. Have you ever celebrated Galentine’s Day or something similar? Are you planning anything for the 13th? Has COVID changed the way you celebrate? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments. And even if you are not planning on celebrating with friends this year, don’t forget to love the person who needs it the most, yourself.