When They Don’t Need You Anymore

Do I miss my kids’ school years? Not really, but when everyone starts talking about “back-to-school” season, I have a little pang of nostalgia for that time in my children’s lives. Mostly, I think it is because of the connections I made with other parents whom I no longer see, and also because I no longer have unlimited access to their lives. The time I spent as a room-mom, field trip chaperone, party planner, booster club president, and scout leader was time I got to spend with Christen and Steven. It’s a time I will always treasure, and I’ve always felt a little sad for parents who don’t get to experience it.

Being the parent of grown children is just as hard as raising them during those school years, but for a different set of reasons. Letting them go to build their own lives and find their own way is something many parents struggle with long after they’ve graduated high school or even college. Mark and I always took great pride in the fact that we raised our children to be independent. Mark often said his most significant task as a parent was to make himself “obsolete.” It’s true. We want our kids to grow up as confident, self-sufficient, and responsible human beings who don’t really need us. But what happens when we still need them?

A parent’s life changes drastically as soon as their child heads off to college or moves out. Some of the changes are subtle, but many have lifelong consequences. When my youngest moved off to college, I suddenly had lots of time on my hands. I had spent a good part of his school years volunteering in any capacity I could. I was a stay-at-home mom, and it was through this role that I learned to make friends in a new city where I knew no one. But then, he was gone, and the things that filled most of my time were gone, too. Mark had it a lot harder. He missed his buddy and his initial reason for becoming a Boy Scout Leader. Even though we were missing the same person, our responses to the loss were very different.  Luckily, I became involved in a mother’s club at Steven’s school, and it helped fill that gap because I could meet new parents and make new friends. I also started a business that kept me busy at least part-time. Mark decided to stick with the Boy Scouts and maintained his position as Scoutmaster for 8 years before stepping into an Assistant Scoutmaster position to let someone else take the reins. He remained active in the troop until shortly before he passed. I think the other boys were, in some ways, a substitute. 

Other changes included cooking for fewer people, having to reallocate the chores that Steven was responsible for, and discovering that there’s no one to make that last-minute run to the store for milk when you run out. Even the dog was sad – her play buddy was gone. 

It’s no wonder some parents have a hard time letting go. Change is scary. There is a very real fear that something might happen to them if we aren’t there to protect them. Or that in setting them free, they may pull away completely and never come back. 

Luckily for most parents, time heals, and you get used to new routines. New hobbies find time to be explored, and you are grateful that life has become a bit more consistent…more relaxed. You might even find a routine through which you get to spend time with your kids, either individually or as a family. You appreciate your children in different ways. You connect as adults. Your bonds might even strengthen. And then things start to change again.

As you age and your social life slows, those connections to your children change, deepen, and become vital to your well-being, especially in the face of grief and loss. I’ve talked about grief and loss a lot lately because I live it every single day. I’ve also spent a good deal of time talking and writing about COVID and how it upended our lives. Talk about anxiety! But losing my husband, Mark, 18 months ago, was the single-most impactful event of my life since the birth of my children. Not only did I go from having too many people in the house who were always underfoot to being virtually alone, but I lost my best friend, confidant, helpmate, and biggest supporter. I lost my person, and that’s about as alone as you can get. There is no one to get that thing off the top shelf or go up in the attic to get that box you stored there. There is no one to open the lid that you can’t get off the jar or to give you a ride to pick up your car from the mechanic. There’s no one to hold your hand before you have surgery or to tend to you when you are sick.

So, yes, you start to miss those days of yore when your kids were at home and you could call on them for help. You miss the days when you could invite them out for a banana split to celebrate a little win at work. You miss knowing that they will be there when you need them…because you do need them. After all, they are the ones who are supposed to love and take care of you as you grow older and need more help, just as you did for them when they were young and unable to care for themselves. And for many of us, they are the only family we have left. In a very real sense, they are all you have. 

I miss my kids needing me. I miss being an everyday part of their lives. I don’t like depending on them for things because I know they have busy lives and many responsibilities. But I need them just the same, and I hope that, maybe just a little bit, they still need me, too.

What Makes a Great Love Story, and Why Do We Care?

 

Next week is Valentine’s Day, and although many people are put out by the “manufactured” holiday as an excuse to sell cards and candy, I have a soft spot for all the romantic hoopty-doo and think it’s a great excuse to revel in some of the sweet stuff that comes around this time of year. Maybe it’s because I read too many romance stories when I was younger (mostly tragic ones)...I get caught up in the whole idea of a special day just for love and lovers. And that brings us to the topic of this week’s podcast…The Greatest Love Story.

I don’t want to get into a whole list of my favorite love stories today. We covered a lot of that on the podcast, and true to form, as soon as the mics turned off, I thought of a whole lot more, but I’m intrigued by why we relish romantic stories so much, and what makes a good one. So I did a little digging to find out. Apparently, it all comes down to chemistry.

In her article, “Why Do We Love Stories”, Harrie Truscott notes that through brain imaging, neuroscientists have been able to demonstrate that our brains “light up” when we are told a story, and that it goes beyond the normal “language processing” region that is affected when we take in new information – the sensory cortex and the motor cortex are triggered as well, just as if the person had witnessed the story first-hand. In a Harvard Review article by Paul J. Zak titled, “Why Your Brain Loves Good Storytelling,” the author reveals how he and a team of scientists discovered that stories caused our brains to release oxytocin, the chemical responsible for feelings of empathy, bonding, and even love. It’s the same chemical that helps mothers bond with their babies and lovers to one another. Zak’s research went further to demonstrate that a compelling story produced more oxytocin, deepening the connection between the listener/viewer with the characters to the extent that they actually shared the emotions of the characters and that they continued mimicking those feelings and behaviors after the story ends.

So what makes a story compelling? Zak notes that a story must sustain the listener/viewer’s attention and that to do that, an element of tension must be introduced in the narrative. This explains why we are so fascinated not by the love-at-first-sight-then-happily-ever-after kind of story but rather with the tragic story. The story where miscommunication, meddlesome characters, and calamitous plot devices keep the lovers apart and interfere with the progression of their relationship. We can relate to that. And the chemicals in our brains remind us that we are all human and that it could happen to us, too.

So, the next time someone catches you weeping at something you saw on TV or read in a book, remind them that it’s just chemistry and your brain was designed to make you react that way.

Don’t forget to join us Wednesday for the podcast, where we’ll share some of our favorite love stories and debate about a few, too! Then join us over on our MMC Chat group and tell us about your greatest love story favorite.

Self-care is the Best Care

Hello everyone! This week on the podcast, we are talking about what we do for self-care and why self-care is important. What is self-care? According to the Global Self-Care Federation, self-care is defined as “the practice of individuals looking after their own health using the knowledge and information available to them. It is a decision-making process that empowers individuals to look after their own health efficiently and conveniently, in collaboration with health and social care professionals as needed.” Simply, take care of yourself.

Why is this such a problem for people? As I’ve learned in life, not taking care of yourself will simply kill you. That’s the bottom line. My mother was great at taking care of things. My dad, grandma, and I (and her pets) were her world. She didn’t eat until everyone else ate. She spent endless hours making sure my grandmother ate, took her pills, watched her favorite shows, and took a bath to the point that she sometimes forgot to do those things for herself. My mom didn’t eat the things she wanted to eat; she always let everyone else choose. My mom didn’t do the activities she wanted to do; she went along with what I wanted to do. Her family and friends were her world, and when she wasn’t spending time with us, she was at work for endless hours (until she was forced to medically retire). My mom ran ragged worrying about other people and oftentimes neglected her health. As a result, she suffered a series of strokes at the age of 59 and eventually died of heart failure just shy of her 64th birthday.

I, too, was going down the same path as my mother. I had just turned 30 when my mother suffered her strokes, and I moved in with her and my grandmother to take care of them; it was like my life turned upside down. Before that, I lived alone and I had a routine. I woke up at a certain time every day, took my medication, ate at a certain time, followed a daily regime of skincare, and went to the gym regularly. I put all of my things in storage and started sleeping on my grandmother’s extremely uncomfortable couch when I wasn't sleeping in a chair at the hospital. Eventually, with the help of my cousins, I was able to move a bed into my grandmother’s sewing room, but this was after months of sleeping where and when I could, showering whenever I had the chance, and eating from the hospitality station next to my mom’s hospital room…which consisted mainly of yogurt and cheese sticks.

After my mom eventually got well enough that she didn’t need someone attending her 24/7, I was able to start working again. However, in my new place, it was hard to get back into the strict routine that I had. Unfortunately, I had let myself go. I gained weight, I started breaking out, and I became too comfortable with a sedentary life. As the years passed, I slowly slipped into putting others’ needs above my own and eventually began to lose myself in the needs of others. 

After my separation in 2020, I began to slowly pick up those routines again. I started a strict skincare routine of cleansing my face daily and applying shea butter lotion to the rough skin that had developed on my arms and legs. I started giving myself regular pedicures and manicures and wearing the right makeup that didn’t break me out. Other than that I started dressing for my body type and picking up old hobbies that I had lost over the years. Slowly, I began to feel satisfied with myself again. I started working my way out of the slump that I let myself fall into. Eventually, I started eating better as well. Is everything perfect? No. Do I need to go to the doctor more? Yes. Will I get back to the routine that I want in my life, taking years of time and effort? For sure. But, I have given myself a level ground to continue on because I can still be there for other people and maintain myself. That is the takeaway. You can be both. You do not have to be one or the other.

I want to hear from our readers. How do you practice self-care? Do you have any self-care tips that you want to share? Please comment below!

Saying Yes to Big Change

Yesterday on the podcast we celebrated 50 episodes! We talked about our favorite episodes that we have recorded so far. One of my favorite episodes and blogs that I’ve written thus far on my Modern Musings journey has been our episode about Cups. In my blog, I wrote about how I refilled my cup with positive energy after years of tragedy.

One of the things I wrote about in my earlier blog was that I tried new things whether I felt comfortable or not, and I have continued that sentiment. When I was younger, I felt trapped. It wasn’t that I was physically trapped but mentally trapped by the things going on in my life. I felt like I couldn’t get out and do something because I had no money or I had people that I had to take care of, so I couldn’t spend time and effort on myself. I believed that I had to put myself last for many years. One of the scariest things that I’ve done is start over from scratch at the age of 37, and it has been an absolutely crazy but enjoyable ride since. Instead of saying “no,” I said “yes”, and my life needed more YES.

In the past two years, I have said “yes” to many things, and most of them have been positive (but not all of them). In my experience so far, saying “yes” to opportunities often leads to more significant possibilities. In the past year, I have said yes to two major events in my life: starting Modern Musings and marrying Jason.

Christen and I have been best friends for 20 years. In fact, we met 20 years ago in the college dorms and spent most of our college experiences together. In a sense, we “grew up” together. I had the privilege to be Matron of Honor at her wedding, and she will, in turn, be Matron of Honor at my wedding next year. Starting a podcast was just something that Christen and I played around with on our occasional girls’ night, but we weren’t sure how to get started. On a separate occasion, Christen had the very same talk with her mom, Cindy, and Modern Musings was born.

I live a very busy life as a teacher that spans all hours of the day, from getting parent phone calls in the middle of the night to emergency weekend Zoom meetings, so I wasn’t sure how I could fit anything extra into my life. It was rocky at first, especially when it came to writing these blogs. When my mom got sick, I gave up on my writing for many years. Once I developed a routine, writing became easier for me. When it became time for us to record our first episode, I was nervous. I never liked being put on the spot, and while I had natural conversations with people in real life, wearing recording equipment while having a conversation was daunting. I barely talked during our first few podcast episodes. Over time, it has become easier, but I still get nervous. Now, I look forward to recording our weekly podcasts.

Next week, Jason and I will be celebrating the one-year anniversary of his asking me to be his girlfriend officially. Just shy of our 11-month anniversary, he asked me to marry him on a dock looking over the ocean on our summer vacation in Gulf Shores, Alabama, and I said yes. We met each other in the spring of 2021 by chance and became friends. At the time, I was finalizing my divorce and wasn’t even thinking about my next relationship or marriage. Several months later, he asked me out on an official date, and I said, yes. He took me to a gastropub near my house, and we spent hours talking and laughing. The date went so well, he asked me on a second date and then a third date, and the rest is history. One of my students asked me recently why I chose Jason. I told him that I have never laughed as much as I do with Jason, I have never felt more relaxed or myself as I do with Jason, and I’ve never had as much fun as I do with Jason. Saying “yes” to Jason has opened my life up to new and exciting adventures, whether it is spending a great night cooking together, going on a day trip to different museums, or attending a baseball game. When we started dating a year ago, we agreed to have no bad days and we haven’t. Yes, we have our ups and downs, but we always end every day on a good note.

I want to hear from our readers. What is something in the past year that you’ve said “yes” to that has changed your life? Let’s continue the conversation in the comments or in our Facebook Group: MMC Chat.

Manifesting Perfect Moments (Even for a Second)

It’s 2022. Am I weird that I don’t actively think about manifesting? Manifesting is all about goal-setting, right? We talk a lot about goal-setting on our blogs and podcast and it’s a subject that’s near and dear to me. This year one of my goals is to manifest great moments in my life. 

Dave Elkins from MAE

Recently, one of my coworkers and I went to a concert of my favorite band, MAE (Multisensory Aesthetic Experience), at the Granada Theater in Dallas and it was a perfect night to manifest great moments. Normally, I would leave with the crowd afterward but she convinced me to stay behind and see if we could catch the band. I’m glad I listened to her because I actually got to meet my favorite singer, Dave Elkins. This moment was special to me for two reasons: The first was that I was at their initial Granada concert when they came to Dallas seventeen years earlier and the second is that MAE was actually one of the things that got me through quarantine two years ago.

Dave Elkins and I

Aside from being incredibly nervous talking to my favorite singer, I told him that his music literally saved my life. He asked me to elaborate. Quarantine was a dark time for me. Not only was I isolated from my friends and my family, but I was also stuck 24 hours a day with my then-husband. Being stuck with someone that you don’t normally spend much time with (because I work a lot) can go one of two ways: endless gratefulness for the time spent together, or realization that maybe there was a reason I subconsciously elected to stay at work long hours at a time. 

When the pandemic started, Dave started giving acoustic concerts every Saturday on the band’s Facebook page. You can watch those videos here. I lived for those Saturday concerts. I eagerly waited for the setlists to come out every Wednesday in anticipation of his upcoming acoustic shows. I watched and commented and sang along to the music. That was one of the only things keeping me going during the pandemic other than work. When MAE announced they were touring again, I was ecstatic. I constantly checked their website for tour updates in the hope they would come to Texas. Finally, they announced a fifteen-year anniversary tour of their second album, The Everglow, and they had planned dates in Texas. I knew I had to attend the concert. Surprisingly enough, my work friend got us tickets and gave them to me as a secret Santa gift.

I don’t often claim favorites in my life unless I like everything about that particular thing, and this includes everything from bands to authors. If I claim something as my favorite, I’m going in full force. I ran across the band MAE in 2003 after they released their first single “Embers and Envelopes” from their debut album Destination: Beautiful, and quickly bought their CD. I loved every single one of their songs because I thought their laid-back music embodied my personality. I always described my love for the band as if my soul could represent a form of music, it would be their music. Over the years, MAE has been the one band that I consistently followed despite only attending one of their concerts before.

After the concert, Dave and I talked for a while. We talked about quarantine and the last time the band played at the Granada. He ended up giving me a copy of the setlist, and the band members signed it for me. Not often do I get to experience moments that I describe as perfect. To me, perfection rarely exists, and the beauty of life is in its flaws. But, that night, the stars seemed to align at that moment at that concert, and it took me back to all the moments I spent in 2020 listening to Facebook live. In those quarantine moments, the world was uncertain. We didn’t know when or if life would go back to normal. Slowly but surely, two years later, I am doing things again like going to concerts or the movies that I hadn’t done since the fall of 2019. When it comes to healing, all it takes is time.

I want to hear from my readers. What was one thing that got you through quarantine? Let’s continue the conversation on our Facebook Group: MMC Chat and on our Facebook Page.

How I Filled My Cup

Filling my cup. What an interesting concept, this metaphor. As an English teacher, I am obsessed with words but what does this metaphor mean? It can be taken in a few ways. I have always thought of myself as a “glass half full” person – an optimist. I might be depleting something, but at least there is something left. Let’s call the “something” in the glass “energy”. Let’s also say that the “cup” in this situation is you, the reader. Is your energy half full or half empty? What are some ways that you can fill your cup with life-sustaining energy without overfilling it?

First, you need to sit back and decide what kind of energy your cup already has in it. Let’s back up. What even is “energy?” If you are not a metaphysical or “meta” person, you might not be fully aware of the energies surrounding us or our life force. In different cultures, the source of life, or life force, takes on different identities such as “Chi” or “Qi” in Chinese culture, and “Mana” in Hawaiian culture. This energy is, of course, different than scientific energy (kinetic, potential, mechanical, etc.). In Chinese culture, there are two types of energy: positive energy and negative energy. I’m going to go a step further and say there are different types of positive and negative energies. It is all in how you present yourself to the world.

A friend of mine has been recently struggling with a negative influence in her life. She asked me why she attracts such negative people. I told her that it was the energy she gives out into the world. In the past, I have called her “friend goals” because everyone wants to be her friend. She is the most positive person I know. Her cup is overflowing with positive energy, and she spreads it freely out into the world. People line up to drink from her “positive cup.” I know this because I have the same problem. I’ve learned to combat it over the years, but I often wondered why I felt so down and drained. It was because I was attracting the same type of people in my life (friends, relationships, family, etc) that wanted a drink of my positive energy.

Three years ago, I decided that I needed to make a major life change, and I continued to do so as I shed physical weight and the mental weight of the unrealistic expectations of toxic people. The more I did these things, the more I realized that I had a lifetime of negativity fighting for my positivity and that included negative expectations I had of myself. The first thing I did was quit my job and then I moved to a new town. I thought that physically distancing myself from all the toxic energy would help, and it did for a while, but I had to do more than that. My cup was drained of positive energy.  The negative people in my life were suddenly making themselves known, and my cup began to fill with their negative energy. I started doing things in my life that I wouldn’t normally do, such as calling in sick to work and spending money carelessly.

A year and a half ago, after my ex-husband and I separated, I started on a journey of self-reflection. There were still so many wrong things in my life that I needed to change physically and mentally. My cup began to fill again with positive energy, and it attracted positive people in my life once again. I reconnected with old friends and family that I hadn’t seen for years. I even started doing the things that I loved again, which led me to write this blog and start a podcast with my friends.

Things I did to fill my cup with positivity and bring my life back into balance:

• I started writing again: Writing is my favorite pastime over anything else. I started writing (and reading) at a young age. When I was in sixth grade, I wrote my first book. I published my first poem when I was 17 years old. Last year, Christen convinced me to start creative journaling, and it went from there. Now I have truly adopted a concept I teach in my classroom, which is to write every day.

• I tried new things: When I started writing again, I started exploring the area near my house (amid the pandemic, of course) and I began ordering from new restaurants that I wouldn’t normally have tried. I also started writing restaurant reviews on Instagram. When restrictions eased up, I started trying new coffee shops, and I began to develop a small following. In January, I implemented a “22 coffee moments in 2022” challenge on my Instagram Ms.Garvin.Writes.

• I reconnected with my spirituality: In 2014, my mom had a series of strokes, and I gave up my job and everything I knew to move in with her and take care of her. Until my marriage separation, I had become a caretaker of others and not for myself. Aside from writing, I also put my spiritual pursuits on the backburner. Recently, I started studying them again. I had never lost my spirituality and my interest in the metaphysical, but it had become dormant as I began to live my life for other people.

• I unpacked: I moved to my current place last summer. As I was moving, I realized that I hadn’t opened any of the boxes since I moved in with my mom in early 2015. I hadn’t seen my things in six years. I had moved so much in that time that I started to leave things in boxes and never unpacked. I decided that I was going to unpack ALL of my boxes. That was cathartic. I laughed and I cried at all of the memories I had missed.

• I got rid of the excess: After I unpacked every single box that I had carried with me from place to place, I began to declutter. I had so many things that I didn’t need or want, such as kitchen gadgets I would never use or books I would never read. I had boxes of mail from years before. If you have never decluttered before, it is the most uplifting feeling.

• I started self-care routines: I have written before about losing weight and losing clothes to mold damage. As I replaced my damaged and oversized wardrobe, I began to buy clothes that fit properly. In addition to my new body confidence, I started a skincare routine, and I started wearing makeup that interested me.

• I started counseling: This was a big turning point for me because I hadn’t fully worked through the death of my parents. When I began the divorce process, the stress in my life came to a peak, and I began to have almost daily panic attacks. I had used the excuse in the past that mental healthcare was unaffordable and that I didn’t need it. I suddenly realized that my cup was empty. I needed to talk to somebody about the things that had been going on in my life. Someone that didn’t know and wouldn't judge me. We all need that sometimes. 

All life has to have balance. In a perfect world, your cup would be filled with an adequate amount of everything you need, and it would have the right balance of positive and negative energy. We have to actively work to keep that balance, or we spiral out of control. It is an everyday struggle for me not to give in to the negative influences that drain my cup. The best advice I can give is to find the things that make you happy and work for them. Fill your cup with that. If something is draining your cup, detox it from your life.
I want to hear from my readers: What has been draining your cup lately? Comment here or continue the conversation in our Facebook group, MMC Chat.

Are You Ready for Galentine's Day?

 Hi Friends!

This week on the Podcast and Blog we will be discussing Galentine’s Day. I had heard of Galentine’s day in the past, but I had never known exactly where Galentine’s Day came from. I have always enjoyed celebrating Valentine's Day with whomever – friends, family, or co-workers. I was always single, so I liked to give out valentines; it kept my mind from wandering and worrying if I was going to get any or not that year. My mom and a close friend always send me a Valentine every year, but you know, sometimes Valentine’s day can be lonely for some. 

That's exactly why I love the idea of Galentine’s Day! What better way than to lift your female companions’ spirits up, let them know you appreciate them, and send love out into the universe. I think we often get wrapped up in the expectation that Valentine’s Day is only for romantic love. It can be so much more – love for your friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, and even yourself.

My mom and I were talking the other day and we were speculating on when Galentine’s Day started. She had mentioned that there was an online article in Good Housekeeping insert link here) about it. According to the magazine, the first known mention of Galentine's day was in the TV sitcom Parks and Rec. I have not seen that show, but it is on my to-do list. The article mentioned that the character took all her girlfriends out to brunch and showered them with gifts and lengthy love letters. Doesn’t that sound fun?

Prior to COVID and the lockdown, I was an Employee Engagement committee member for the company that I work for. One of my main responsibilities was to come up with fun, engaging activities for the employees that promoted team building and gratitude for each other. We especially loved Valentine’s day as we would decorate the break room with gigantic hearts, flowers and balloons, and people would wear pink and red. We would also have a competition, where each employee got a white or brown paper lunch sack. They had several days prior to decorate their sack. The committee would then go around and vote on the most creative for a prize. Employees also got the chance to go around to everyone’s desk and give out candies, Valentines cards, and little goodies. It was like being in school again. And seeing all the personalized notes from coworkers, professing their platonic love for you, just really sends you home for the day with a huge smile on your face. It also gave employees the chance to express gratitude for one another without feeling awkward or singling people out; it could be done with a cute note taped to a pencil or lollypop. 

Some of the cute bags that my co-workers made!

Unfortunately those days have passed. Now that the opportunities for me to bond with my co-workers have become more virtual, I have clung tighter to my inner circle of friends more than ever. That inner circle, my girl tribe, my besties, are the women who lift me up when I am down, and I would not be able to survive without them. So, this year we are going all out for my girlfriends this year. I have some handmade Galentine’s Day cards that I have made. I also have a little gift baggie to present to each of them. I enjoy putting together little party favor bags. I guess that’s something I missed from working in the office, too. Since we will be celebrating Galentine’s Day with our girlfriends by having brunch on the 13th, we won’t have the opportunity to decorate goodie bags. I am going to present a hand made bag for each of my gals. Each bag will be all cutsied up with hearts, paper doilies and glitter! I have not finished purchasing my contents for my bags, but I am thinking some fuzzy socks, a few pieces of candy, maybe a cute pencil and some girl power products will be great. I have about 10 bags that I want to make, so I have to keep my budget in mind. I also have  to prepare for Reyna’s school Valentines party. 

Regardless of the gift or the budget that you have, anyone can celebrate their gal pals. Sometimes a heartfelt note, a hug or your devoted time is what lets people know you care. Have you ever celebrated Galentine’s Day or something similar? Are you planning anything for the 13th? Has COVID changed the way you celebrate? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments. And even if you are not planning on celebrating with friends this year, don’t forget to love the person who needs it the most, yourself.