What Jealousy Really Says About Us

 Yesterday’s podcast episode focused on jealousy and how it is a key component and motivator for so many Disney villains. As we shared in our discussion, jealousy is a common incentive in most people from time to time, and try as we might, we can’t fully divest ourselves from it – it’s part of being human.

I think back on some of the more memorable times when I’ve felt jealousy, and I can easily pinpoint why I felt that way. Most often, it was due to two major themes that have been woven throughout my life and have been the cause of much negative self-talk and self-abuse – a lack mindset and low self-esteem. Between the two, you could probably explain just about every negative emotion I’ve ever felt, and they are likely the cause of most of the mistakes I’ve ever made.

It is easy to see and understand the jealousy that develops from a lack mindset. When you grow up very poor, as I did, and you are surrounded by people who have things you don’t, you envy those people and you covet those things. Bigger, nicer house, stylish clothes, foreign vacations, summer camp, strong family relationships, good grades, better education, toys and games…the list goes on and on. I’ve spent more than my fair share of time feeling frustrated, deprived, and unlucky.

My own lack of self-esteem has also beaten me down. There have been times in my life when it was so low that it was negative. I actually hated myself. I was sure I must have done something in a past life to deserve such terrible karma, but I didn’t know what. I still struggle with it to this day. I’m too fat, my nose is too big, my skin is wrinkly, I’m too old, I’m not talented enough, I’m lazy, I’m stupid, I’m crazy, I’m unorganized, I don’t have any friends, no one cares about me…. I counter these negative beliefs every single day with my morning affirmations, and I still can’t get past them.

Maybe those negative feelings are just part of being human, too, but I’ve learned that they don’t serve any good purpose. While some people might use those feelings to drive themselves to do better or be more, the effect is really very short-lived. Most of us cannot sustain a lifetime of self-loathing or resentment. When you focus only on the things you lack, you begin to see more of what you don’t have than what you do. That, in turn, builds resentment, not only of the people you envy, but of the people around you, too. Eventually, you begin to blame others for your lack, or even yourself. Those feelings might even become self-destructive.

When I was younger, my negative self-image was mainly focused on my looks. We moved from school to school often, and I found it hard to make friends. I could see that the pretty girls all had a lot of friends, while the “ugly” girls did not. In my immature perspective, I believed that I wasn’t liked because I was poor and I wasn’t pretty. I said and did many things to get people to like me, and I made a lot of terrible choices. Did it pay off? Not in the least. Being jealous of other girls who were prettier or had boyfriends led to nothing good. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I might have had more friends if I had been just a little more self-confident and outgoing. Instead of waiting for others to notice how cool I was and to give me external validation, I should have just been myself so that the people who were like me would see that and we would find each other. Instead of being “wild” to get attention, I should have been comfortable with who I was. Being jealous of other girls kept me from finding my own place in this world where I could be happy without struggling to be something I was not.

Jealousy is always rooted in the ego. Either our ego is over-inflated so that we believe we are entitled to things we are not actually entitled to, or our ego is deflated so that we don’t think we deserve or can accomplish whatever it is we want. It doesn’t take more than a minute to figure out which one it is. Jealousy doesn’t serve any higher purpose, either. So, why burden ourselves with this wasteful emotion that leaves such a negative taste in our mouths? I think a better choice would be to stop wherever I feel that first twinge of jealousy and just test it for a moment. What is it I am jealous of? Why does it make me feel that way? What shadows are being triggered, and what can I do to start healing them? I don’t want to be jealous because jealousy makes me feel like I am not enough, and I am tired of feeling that way. Aren’t you?

When They Don’t Need You Anymore

Do I miss my kids’ school years? Not really, but when everyone starts talking about “back-to-school” season, I have a little pang of nostalgia for that time in my children’s lives. Mostly, I think it is because of the connections I made with other parents whom I no longer see, and also because I no longer have unlimited access to their lives. The time I spent as a room-mom, field trip chaperone, party planner, booster club president, and scout leader was time I got to spend with Christen and Steven. It’s a time I will always treasure, and I’ve always felt a little sad for parents who don’t get to experience it.

Being the parent of grown children is just as hard as raising them during those school years, but for a different set of reasons. Letting them go to build their own lives and find their own way is something many parents struggle with long after they’ve graduated high school or even college. Mark and I always took great pride in the fact that we raised our children to be independent. Mark often said his most significant task as a parent was to make himself “obsolete.” It’s true. We want our kids to grow up as confident, self-sufficient, and responsible human beings who don’t really need us. But what happens when we still need them?

A parent’s life changes drastically as soon as their child heads off to college or moves out. Some of the changes are subtle, but many have lifelong consequences. When my youngest moved off to college, I suddenly had lots of time on my hands. I had spent a good part of his school years volunteering in any capacity I could. I was a stay-at-home mom, and it was through this role that I learned to make friends in a new city where I knew no one. But then, he was gone, and the things that filled most of my time were gone, too. Mark had it a lot harder. He missed his buddy and his initial reason for becoming a Boy Scout Leader. Even though we were missing the same person, our responses to the loss were very different.  Luckily, I became involved in a mother’s club at Steven’s school, and it helped fill that gap because I could meet new parents and make new friends. I also started a business that kept me busy at least part-time. Mark decided to stick with the Boy Scouts and maintained his position as Scoutmaster for 8 years before stepping into an Assistant Scoutmaster position to let someone else take the reins. He remained active in the troop until shortly before he passed. I think the other boys were, in some ways, a substitute. 

Other changes included cooking for fewer people, having to reallocate the chores that Steven was responsible for, and discovering that there’s no one to make that last-minute run to the store for milk when you run out. Even the dog was sad – her play buddy was gone. 

It’s no wonder some parents have a hard time letting go. Change is scary. There is a very real fear that something might happen to them if we aren’t there to protect them. Or that in setting them free, they may pull away completely and never come back. 

Luckily for most parents, time heals, and you get used to new routines. New hobbies find time to be explored, and you are grateful that life has become a bit more consistent…more relaxed. You might even find a routine through which you get to spend time with your kids, either individually or as a family. You appreciate your children in different ways. You connect as adults. Your bonds might even strengthen. And then things start to change again.

As you age and your social life slows, those connections to your children change, deepen, and become vital to your well-being, especially in the face of grief and loss. I’ve talked about grief and loss a lot lately because I live it every single day. I’ve also spent a good deal of time talking and writing about COVID and how it upended our lives. Talk about anxiety! But losing my husband, Mark, 18 months ago, was the single-most impactful event of my life since the birth of my children. Not only did I go from having too many people in the house who were always underfoot to being virtually alone, but I lost my best friend, confidant, helpmate, and biggest supporter. I lost my person, and that’s about as alone as you can get. There is no one to get that thing off the top shelf or go up in the attic to get that box you stored there. There is no one to open the lid that you can’t get off the jar or to give you a ride to pick up your car from the mechanic. There’s no one to hold your hand before you have surgery or to tend to you when you are sick.

So, yes, you start to miss those days of yore when your kids were at home and you could call on them for help. You miss the days when you could invite them out for a banana split to celebrate a little win at work. You miss knowing that they will be there when you need them…because you do need them. After all, they are the ones who are supposed to love and take care of you as you grow older and need more help, just as you did for them when they were young and unable to care for themselves. And for many of us, they are the only family we have left. In a very real sense, they are all you have. 

I miss my kids needing me. I miss being an everyday part of their lives. I don’t like depending on them for things because I know they have busy lives and many responsibilities. But I need them just the same, and I hope that, maybe just a little bit, they still need me, too.

Christen's Relaxing YouTube Recommendations

 Hello! I hope your New Year has started off with a bang! I feel like I have been ticking things off my to-do list left and right, how about you? Now that the holidays are over, many of us feel like we have to get back to our regime or complete neglected tasks that were shoved to the back burner…well at least that's the way I feel. At the moment, everything seems to be going at a good pace, but before I get too “in-over-my-head”, I like to remind myself to take it slow, and enjoy the hygge season. If I get too overloaded with tasks and stressful activities, I know I will end up crashing and burning. I think everyone can relate to some extent.

There are lots of different ways that people can relax, for example, you can meditate or get away by taking a walk, reading a book, or taking a hot bath. Sometimes I just like to sit in my recliner and watch a video on YouTube. I know that staring at my phone is going against the grain, as it seems that all signs point to putting the phone down and reconnecting with nature, but I don’t get sucked into social media much these days, so I think I’m doing okay. My daughter’s 9-year-old friend jokingly says, “Girl, I need to put the phone down and touch some grass,” because she is aware of her phone usage. 

We will be discussing more on the topic of our favorite sources for relaxation on the podcast tomorrow and I hope you join us, but until then, here's a little list of my treasures I have found on YouTube that I really enjoy.

ASMR

If you don’t know what ASMR is, then you are in for a treat…or maybe you won't like it at all. The funny thing about ASMR is that it’s kind of like coffee, you either love it and can’t live without it, or you hate it. So what is ASMR anyway? It stands for autonomous sensory meridian response and to break that down into layman's, terms the sounds that you hear (or visuals) give you a little tingly feeling. These sounds are usually whispering, gentle tapping and crinkling. They are called triggers, which can calm some people but there are a small handful of people who have a severe adverse reaction to it. I can't tell you exactly when ASMR became a thing on YouTube but it's been around for a while and it seems that as time goes on the videos just get better and better. There are very basic videos where the host of the YouTube channel might have a video in which they manipulate a multitude of objects in order to make the sounds. There are even videos of the host reading or telling a story. The videos that hold my interest the longest are in-depth role-playing where scenes are acted out. 

My favorite to-this-date is linked below. Diane, over at Moonlight Cottage, takes ASMR to a whole new level. In each video, she has an entire themed set she has created, and she acts in character with scripting. The triggers are integrated throughout the video. Since Diana's from France, she has a lovely and calm French accent. I applaud her set designs as they are very charming down to every detail. You can tell that she pours her heart and soul into the design, props, and costume. 

My favorite Moonlight Cottage ASMR

Guided Meditation

If you have ever struggled to meditate then a guided meditation would be a great place to start. Guided meditation allows you to relax your mind but still stay focused enough on the act of meditating. There are many forms of guided meditation, some are simple breathing exercises and others more complex. Joe T - Hypnotic Labs is a channel on YouTube that provides videos with a detailed journey. There is a pretty picture on the video, but there is no actual video - you will want to close your eyes for these!

I have a hard time meditating if the speaker has a booming voice, or uses too much inflection. Joe T keeps his voice level and is in mid range so he is easy to hear, but not alarming. His guided meditations have just enough detail to keep me engaged, but calm enough that I can easily fall asleep if I allow it. To be honest, I usually fall asleep during his videos. 

My favorite Joe T - Hypnotic

Affirmations

Again not all of these videos have an actual video to watch. I like to put this one on in the background and just let myself hear the positive affirmations while I am working on other things, or when winding down for the night. Jason Stephenson creates videos that are long, but even if you only listen for a little bit at a time, you can get the benefit. This particular video is one that I find myself going back to again and again. The whole video is an ongoing stream of “I am” statements. 

My Favorite Jason Stephenson - Sleep Meditation Music

Music

There are a lot of YouTube music channels, some with videos and animation, and others with just a still image. And then there are performances! These two channels are wonderful performers. You can enjoy it with or without the video. Please keep in mind that anything that is labeled as a binaural beat etc, will require headphones, with left and right audio, for the effect to work properly. 

Healing Vibrations

On this particular video, Healing Vibrations uses singing bowls, and other instruments to create a calm atmosphere. The singing bowls reverberate into your ears - wear headphones for the  3-dimensional experience. The bowls are lit by a blue hue and there are candles lit around the area.

My favorite Healing Vibrations

Mei-lan

She has the most angelic voice! If someone said they heard an angel sing, they must have heard Mei-lan. She has vocalization and lyrical songs. If you need some pepping up, just scroll through the comments, there are never any trolls or hateful comments, just people spreading pure love.

My favorite Mei-lan

I hope you get a chance to check out some of the links I shared today! Let me know what you think! Did you enjoy the ASMR video or did you discover that you do not like it? What are your go-to relaxing videos on YouTube?