On the podcast this week, Amber gave us the topic of “Women Who Are Too Much.” I was excited about this topic because I have often seen women undeservedly labeled as “too much” and have been accused of that myself. But where do we get this idea that a woman can be “too much?” Why are the qualities we call “too much” negative when we apply them to a woman? Would we ever say that a man is “too much?” I don’t think so.
Take, for instance, this pin I saw on Pinterest, listing several qualities that apply differently to men than women. Women who are assertive, speak their mind, and stand up for themselves are often labeled “aggressive”, but we would never call a man out for those actions. An “aggressive” man is one who has tendencies toward violence, or at least threats of such. Let’s look at the other labels on the list:
Bossy: A woman is bossy if she’s always telling people what to do or how to do it. It makes no distinctions for her position, while a man would simply be called “a leader” or “the boss.”
Difficult: A woman who challenges the status quo, speaks her mind, or points out inequalities is difficult, but a man who does the same is lauded as an innovator, a reformist, a game changer, a truth-seeker, or even a progressive.
Awkward: The only time I’ve ever seen a man labeled as “awkward” was when he lacked a certain social finesse. However, women are often called awkward if they aren’t pretty enough, sexy enough, graceful enough, or feminine enough, or if they ask a lot of questions or demonstrate their intelligence, especially if they are the smartest person in the room.
Too Much: A woman who knows her value and is not afraid to demand the respect and consideration she deserves is often called “too much”. It is “too much” for her to expect her romantic partner to be a “partner” and to cherish and respect her. She is “too much” if she insists on being a priority in a relationship and refuses to play second fiddle to a career, a hobby, or, even worse, other relationships. A woman is supposed to put the relationship (or family) first and to accept that a man might be a “workaholic” or even negligent to the relationship…after all, he’s doing his “manly” duties in providing for the family.
It wasn’t on the list, but I wanted to add two more to this shameful list of characteristics we’ve branded women with. I’ll start with the most recent one, “Karen”. Any time a woman insists on getting the service she has paid for, the respect she has earned, or the product she has purchased, or if she ever asks to “speak to the manager”, she is at risk of being called a “Karen” – especially if she is white, middle class, and over 30. While a man, on the other hand, is simply “exacting”, has standards, knows the value of his time and money, and expects to get what he has paid for. In a world where the quality of customer service has dwindled at an astounding rate since the onset of COVID-19, it is not surprising that more people are calling out the lack of respect and service we are used to receiving. Remember the old adage, “The customer is always right?”. Businesses do not honor that anymore, and employees do not honor or respect the customers.
Sadly, the use is not limited to interactions at Starbucks or the dry cleaners these days. The label “Karen” can be used by anyone for any reason as a pejorative attack meant to bully someone into compliance, much in the same way the people who use it accuse “Karens” of doing. Once, when getting into an elevator during strict COVID protocols, I was called “Karen” by a group of 20-something Asian men because I wouldn’t let the four of them get in the elevator with my three girls and me. The hotel had a very clear policy of only four people to an elevator, and we were clearly already full, but I was deemed a “Karen” because I refused to submit to their pressure. Now, who is the real Karen in this picture? It sounds like the pot calling the kettle black if you ask me. But I digress….
The other name I want to add to this list won’t surprise you, but it might surprise you to know that many women have actually claimed this moniker for themselves as a positive way of affirming their strength and fortitude in the face of all the other labels that have been thrown at us. We’re turning the tables, so to speak. I’m talking about the word “Bitch”, and I profess to be one myself.
I used to be highly offended whenever I heard a woman called a bitch, because she usually was doing nothing different than a man would have done in the same situation. But later, I realized it wasn’t the label I disagreed with, but the people who used it – men. Usually, men who felt threatened by a powerful, strong-willed, self-sufficient woman. Then, I started thinking about the origins of the word, which is the term for a female dog or wolf. When you think about the characteristics of a canine bitch, you can appreciate the qualities in a way that takes away the negative connotations: loving, nurturing, fiercely protective of her pack, competitive, and strong. The alpha female is the leader of the pack, chooses who to mate with, builds the pack’s den, chooses where the pack will hunt, and negotiates treaties with other packs. That’s exactly how I see myself, and I’m proud of it. So go ahead, call me a bitch, but realize that it’s not really an insult – it’s an affirmation.
Regardless of the circumstances, it is never appropriate to call someone names, which is exactly what using these insulting and derogatory terms amounts to. Resorting to name-calling is the lowest form of bullying and really only demonstrates the fact that the name-caller feels threatened by someone who is stronger than them or willing to speak their mind. So the next time you think about using one of these awful labels, stop and think about all the other terrible names that people can be called…you know the ones. Would you speak those words to another human being? And if you’re the one being labeled, hold your head up proudly and defend yourself. Keep being an assertive, bossy leader who always tells the truth, takes up space, and asks all the hard questions while protecting her pack. Don’t dim to fit in – you’ll only be snuffed out. Shine your light brightly. Be yourself. Be bold. You’ve got this!
