Conversations with the Maiden, Mother, and Crone

Looking at ourselves and the world through the lens of the 21st century.

Wednesday, March 13, 2024

Heard it on the Podcast - March 13, 2024

  

Did you miss a link we mentioned on the podcast? Here's a quick post we do most Wednesdays to share any links or information from the podcast. We'll also keep a running post on the "Links from the Podcast" tab so you can refer back to any previous episode. Here's the links for this week:

13-Mar-2024

S4E11: A Look at Tarot

Some of the decks we discussed:


Wednesday, March 6, 2024

Heard it on the Podcast - March 6, 2024

  

Did you miss a link we mentioned on the podcast? Here's a quick post we do most Wednesdays to share any links or information from the podcast. We'll also keep a running post on the "Links from the Podcast" tab so you can refer back to any previous episode. Here's the links for this week:

6-Mar-2024

S4E10: Women in Rock

Add your pick to our poll:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/modernmusingschat

Wednesday, February 28, 2024

Heard it on the Podcast - February 28, 2024

 

Did you miss a link we mentioned on the podcast? Here's a quick post we do most Wednesdays to share any links or information from the podcast. We'll also keep a running post on the "Links from the Podcast" tab so you can refer back to any previous episode. Here's the links for this week:

28-Feb-2024

S4E9: I Heart Huckabees

  • I Heart Huckabees:  On IMDB (with links to stream)



    Friday, February 23, 2024

    Heard it on the Podcast - February 14, 2024

     

    Did you miss a link we mentioned on the podcast? Here's a quick post we do most Wednesdays to share any links or information from the podcast. We'll also keep a running post on the "Links from the Podcast" tab so you can refer back to any previous episode. Here's the links for this week:

    14-Feb-2024

    S4E7: What Are You Most Afraid to Do?



















      Wednesday, February 21, 2024

      Heard it on the Podcast - February 21, 2024

            

      Did you miss a link we mentioned on the podcast? Here's a quick post we do most Wednesdays to share any links or information from the podcast. We'll also keep a running post on the "Links from the Podcast" tab so you can refer back to any previous episode. Here's the links for this week:

      21-Feb-2024

      S4E8: Read Across America

      Thursday, February 15, 2024

      What Am I Afraid Of?


      This week, Christen brought up the topic, “What Are You Most Afraid to Do?”. If you listened to the podcast, you know that she was hoping we could unpack some of those fears to get down to the root cause and maybe (hopefully) work through those fears. It made me think of this line from Frank Herbert’s “Dune” about fear.

      “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” 1

      The line is a mantra of sorts, recited by the characters when they face extreme tests of their courage, and it rings quite true. Oftentimes, we are afraid of what we can’t see or what we can’t know, and those fears cause instinctual responses like “fight,” “flight,” or “freeze.” Have you ever heard the term “a deer in the headlights?” Have you seen an animal freeze as you approach or run away at the sight of headlights from your car? Humans, tend to react the same way unless we allow our higher brains to take control and reason through the situation. Our ability to reason is one of our greatest gifts and also one that we tend to neglect.


      In the podcast, we discuss the idea that fear, especially fear of failure, is one of the main reasons most people don’t reach their goals. Whether it is fear of failure, ridicule, pain or bodily injury, or change, our fears keep us rooted in a fight-flight-freeze mentality that prevents us from moving forward and achieving our highest goals. 


      Fear is the mind-killer. When fear takes control, you become unable to act or think. Everything you see, fee, and do is tainted by your fear. You become extra cautious. You question yourself and your judgment. You might even stop doing some of the things you normally would do. Fear becomes a little death as it destroys your self-confidence, happiness, and maybe even your independence.


      In confronting your fears head-on, you can put the worst behind you. I remember an episode of This is Us where two of the main characters had a “What’s the Worst Thing That Could Happen” game they played to help sluff off their fears. They took turns telling possible endings to the situation that got progressively worse until they landed on what both agreed was the worst-case scenario. By imagining all the things that could go wrong, they realized that most of those scenarios were never going to happen and that what likely would happen was something far less drastic.


      As a new widow, I’ve been playing that game with myself lately – more than I’d like. I have deep-rooted fear about my ability to take care of myself and move on with my life now that Mark is gone. How can I increase my income to compensate for his loss? How can I conserve the money I do have so that I don’t wind up homeless and penniless like my mother did? How do I manage the upkeep of the house and all the chores that Mark took care of in addition to all the things already on my plate? What does my life look like going forward? All these thoughts put me in that same fight-flight-freeze pattern, dulling my senses and exhausting what little strength I have left to face each day. 


      On the podcast, I talked about how most things that frighten me now are not the same things that frightened me when I was younger. I’m no longer afraid of speaking my mind (most of the time) or speaking in public. As we mature, we seem to shift our fear from being an outcast to fear of physical pain and discomfort. We lose our indestructible mentality and become more comfortable being ourselves.


      I’ve found that some fears are the same, just in a different wrapper. At 21, I became a single mom with a part-time job, a car that often didn’t run, and an apartment I couldn’t afford. That was terrifying, but I made it through that. Looking back at that time, I can safely say that I am far better off than I was back then, even if I still have only a part-time job, a mortgage, and two cars that sometimes don’t run. I faced those fears back then, and now I can turn my inner eye to the path that those fears took, seeing clearly that none of the things I feared back then ever came to pass. My child did not starve, we weren’t evicted from our home, and she wasn’t taken away from me. My life went on – I went on, and the life I built with Christen (and eventually, Mark) belonged to me, not to fear. 


      Now, as I contemplate moving forward in a life without Mark, I realize that I must once again face that fear. I cannot let it control me; I will never move forward if I do. I have to let my fear pass over me and through me so I can look back again and say, “I did that. I survived. The fear is gone, and only I remain.”


      1 Frank Herbert, Dune



        Monday, January 29, 2024

        Navigating Valentine’s Day for the Recently Widowed

         

        In our first season of the Modern Musings podcast, Amber, Christen, and I explored the topic of Grief During the Holidays, which we supplemented with blog posts from different perspectives. It’s been one of our most popular episodes to date, and I suppose that is because we all experience grief at some time or another and are all looking for ways to cope with it. Holidays and other special occasions are always tricky because those are often the times when the loss is most profoundly felt. Some holidays and family gatherings are easier to cope with than others because you can change your routines, celebrate differently, or even not celebrate at all. But what do you do when the deceased person is the reason you celebrate the holiday? What do you do to cope with Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, or even that person’s birthday? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. 


        My husband, Mark, and I were married for 35 years. More than half our lives had been spent waking up together, sharing daily meals, giving thousands of kisses goodnight, and building countless little routines and traditions that I am only beginning to realize have been suddenly and completely broken. Just the other day, I got a reminder in the mail to schedule my next colonoscopy, and it struck me that I don’t have my person anymore – I just took for granted that whenever I had a medical procedure, Mark would be the one to drive me there and back. And now, the next thing I must deal with is Valentine’s Day.


        We’ve mentioned love languages in a couple of previous episodes, but we haven’t gone in-depth. Mark’s love language was giving gifts. He literally spoiled me with his gift-giving because he wanted me to have everything I wanted or could need. If I put something on my Amazon wish list, it was likely to find its way under the Christmas tree or be presented to me on my birthday. He was also a creature of habit. If something worked once, he would do it over and over again because he didn’t want to mess with a good thing. He would stick to the same plan until I got tired of it or we found something better. So it was in this way that we stumbled into some of our favorite holiday routines.


        We ritualized our favorite Valentine’s Day restaurant more than 20 years ago. Sweet Basil is a quaint little Italian bistro owned and operated by the same family for countless years. We’ve eaten there a number of times since we’ve lived in the Dallas area, but Valentine’s was always our favorite time to visit because they had a special menu just for the occasion. My favorite was the Veal Oscar, but Mark tried almost everything. We always started with either some crab claws, shrimp scampi, or maybe bruschetta, and a delicious bowl of lobster bisque. Dessert almost always consisted of a double heart-shaped strawberry Napolean and a cup of cappuccino. We had spent so many Valentine’s Days at this lovely restaurant that the owner/host recognized us when we came in at other times. We even had stories from various visits that we would retell years later, like the story of the year we barely had enough money to pay the tab. We laughed about it often, and it became part of the charm of going back again and again.


        In about two weeks, I will face my first Valentine’s Day without Mark, which scares me. His loss is still very raw, and I’m not sure of the best way to deal with it. Mark won’t give me a beautiful Valentine’s card this year. He won’t send me roses or buy a box of my favorite Godiva chocolates. We won’t share a meal over Veal Oscar and stories of Valentine’s past. The thought leaves me sad not just because he won’t be there, but that those traditions are forever broken by his death. I don’t just miss him…I miss all of it. 


        I was thinking about that the other day and wondered, how am I supposed to cope with this? Do I just stay home and not celebrate at all? That feels so depressing. Could I go to the restaurant and have dinner alone in his honor? I think I would feel very lonely. I think it would make me cry. I don't want to do that in the middle of a busy restaurant on Valentine’s Day. 


        I decided to research what other widows do to cope with their grief on these kinds of days. I was surprised to find that there was so little information available. I found many articles on how to take care of yourself as a widow – all the reminders to practice self-care and to take things slowly. Likewise, there were many articles on supporting a widow on these particularly stressful days, like being patient, reminding her that she is loved, and acknowledging her loss. I did not find much of anything sharing how other widows had managed their first Valentine’s Day after becoming a widow. Then I found a post on Our ClassCee Life blog titled “How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day When Your Valentine is… Well… Dead!”


        Written by a widow with two young children, Our ClassCee Life chronicles the author’s journey through widowhood along with a “13,800-mile 83-day trip around the country” in an RV as she coped with her loss. Kristyn’s story is fascinating, and I look forward to reading more about it, but I need her tips on dealing with Valentine’s Day right now. That’s where she talked about treating herself just like her husband would have done. 


        I could tell that we had like-minded husbands when it came to gift-giving, and those quirky but always useful and genuinely appreciated gifts are something else I am definitely going to miss. So, I may take a cue from Kristyn’s book and buy myself something that I want…something that Mark might have bought for me. I might even invite my son or one of my single/widowed friends to share that special Valentine’s meal with me. And maybe I’ll do something new and meaningful to honor the man I loved, like making a charitable donation in his name or volunteering to help others.


        Whatever I decide to do, I know that it will be okay. I know that all of these changes are just part of the process of grief and that I will find what works for me as I work my way through it. I just have to remind myself that it’s okay not to have all the answers. It’s okay just to wait and see what happens, and it is okay to let others love and support me in this journey. I just need to take one day at a time, and I will get through this holiday and all the others that follow. Life will go on. It always does.

        Monday, January 8, 2024

        Taking a Break and Giving Ourselves Grace

        If you read this blog on the reg, you’ve probably noticed that there haven’t been many posts in the last few months. In August, I mentioned that we were taking a brief hiatus because we were super busy, but that doesn’t even begin to touch on what was going on in our lives the past five or six months. I’m not even sure where to start.


        As you know from the podcast, Amber married Jason Jones in December and then dashed off on a fabulous honeymoon cruise. Does that mean we aren’t the Maiden, Mother, and Crone anymore? Can Amber be a maiden if she’s been married twice? Seriously, though, this was a very happy event; all three of us did a lot of crafting and creating to pull it off. I think it turned out beautifully, don’t you?




        All that wedding planning kept us very busy, but it couldn’t hold a candle to the bigger issue we were dealing with…the health issues faced by my husband, Mark. I’ve probably mentioned numerous times on the podcast and this blog that Mark was ill. I may have even mentioned that it was cancer…lung cancer…Stage 4 Adenocarcinoma, to be exact. He was diagnosed in August of 2022 after visiting his doctor about pain, numbness, and tingling in his left arm. What they found was a metastatic tumor on his cervical spine that was pinching a nerve. No other symptoms. The tumors in his lungs were tiny and had not caused him any problems. He never suspected. We spent the last 18 months pursuing various forms of treatment, including three different series of chemotherapy, two rounds of radiation treatments, proton therapy, a targeted therapy (it had the most promise), and a clinical trial. In the end, none of it worked. 


        After three hospital stays in less than two weeks, we were told that the only remaining options were to go back on chemo, which might slow the cancer and give him more days but would certainly take away his quality of life, or he could enter hospice and let the cancer take its course. He chose quality over quantity, and so we began the excruciating process of preparing for Mark to die.


        That’s when all the visitors started dropping by. Sometimes, three or four of them on the same day. Staying for hours. Intruding on our time. Keeping me away from things I needed to do. Wearing Mark out so that he had no energy left for the rest of us. 


        Of course, this annoyed me at first because I felt like holidays were special, and Christen and I had gone to great lengths to plan the perfect celebration and family gathering. All these people were intruding on our time with Mark and disrupting our plans! But it soon became obvious that Mark was the most vibrant when his friends visited. He was awake, alert, and engaged. He was actually happy. And so I relented, realizing this was what he needed, and if we were really trying to make this time about him, then we had to give him this space to visit and say “goodbye.”


        The holidays were a blur. We spent our time rushing about to maintain as much of our planning as we could, but in all honesty, we failed miserably. The Christmas decorations sat in tubs in the middle of my living room floor for weeks before I finally resigned myself to the fact that the decorating would have to be “light” this year. I put ⅔ of the decorations on the tree, hung up a wreath, a bunting, and the stockings, threw some Christmas blankets on the sofa to snuggle with, and pretty much called it done. As for the baking, I think we got two batches of cookies made, and Ashley did one of those. Between visiting with all our lovely friends who came by and scrambling to take care of Mark’s needs, we were too busy to worry about much else. 


        We spent a solemn New Year’s Eve watching a movie, and New Year’s Day was much the same. Mark wasn’t eating much by then. I think he took one bite of his breakfast taco and somehow managed to swallow one black-eyed pea. It was a super-fast decline from there, and on January 3, he was just gone.


        I didn’t write this blog to be morbid or morose. I wanted to share because we all go through things from time to time that set us back, side-track our plans, or just plain leave us powerless and numb. It is important to give ourselves (and each other) a bit of grace. If you were looking in from the outside, you might see that we suddenly stopped writing blogs, and you might think that we are not committed, lack motivation and follow-through, and aren’t worth your time and effort. But we want you to know we didn’t just stop writing blogs. We are still as committed to Modern Musings as we were, but sometimes life does not allow us to participate in all the ways we so carefully plan. And that’s okay. We do what we can do, and that is enough. We might need to revisit our goals and make them more realistic and achievable. We might just need to pause for a while and rest before picking it back up again. Pausing is not a failure. Changing your plans is not a failure, either. 


        Let’s start this new year with grace. Grace for ourselves. Grace for others. There’s always more to every story than what you see on the outside. I hope we can learn to let go of all our ridiculous expectations of how things should be and learn to embrace the way things are because when you are fully present in your life, it’s all good.


        Thursday, November 30, 2023

        1,001 Books

          


        Have you ever read a book that was so outstanding that you couldn’t stop thinking about it, even years after you read it? Or maybe you’ve read a book that was so good, that you had to go back and read it again to absorb it all? This week on the podcast, we are discussing our favorite books and why they are so compelling. I know, for my part, my favorite books have stuck with me for many years, and I often replay scenes in my head as I still try to wrap my head around the complexities of the stories. Some books I’ve reread multiple times and am still awed by the skill of the author to craft such a compelling story. One of those books, Shogun by James Clavell, has kept me mesmerized for more than 40 years, and (spoiler alert!) it is probably my favorite book of all time.


        It’s no secret that Amber, Christen, and I are avid readers. We talk about it often on the podcast, and Amber is an English teacher, so…. I don’t read as many books as Amber and Christen, but I do try to read a wide variety of literature spanning all decades and genres. In fact, I’ve made it an unofficial life goal to read as many of the classics as possible, which has led me to tackle some very daunting works, including two that most people never finish: War and Peace and 1001 Arabian Nights.


        When I first aspired to this lofty idea, I thought about books that friends, coworkers, and family members had read in school, which I had somehow missed out on in my education. These included books like Paradise Lost, Frankenstein, To Kill a Mockingbird, and Tom Sawyer. I was also curious to read some of the controversial (or even banned) books like Uncle Tom’s Cabin, Lolita, and Salman Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses. As time passed, my list included newer releases such as The Giver, A New Earth, and The Poisonwood Bible. Eventually, I began collecting lists of “must-read” books, and I quickly came to realize that there were far more of these books than I had thought to put on my list. That was when I learned about 1,001 Books You Must Read Before You Die.


        First published in 2006, 1,001 Books is a literary reference book compiled by literary critics and edited by Peter Boxall, an English professor at Sussex University. Subsequent editions have refined the list, removing some of the titles by authors who appear more than once on the list and adding newer works and more works written in languages other than English. I think I first heard about it on the Oprah Winfrey Show when she had Peter Boxall as a guest. I was intrigued, and I set out to find the book so I could buy it, but what I found first was a spreadsheet – and not just any spreadsheet – a carefully crafted spreadsheet based on the book that contained the entire list along with the ability to sort, highlight, check off, and otherwise manipulate the titles on the list. It could even tell me how many books I had read versus left to go and show me how many books per year I would need to read in order to finish the entire list. According to the version I downloaded in 2012, at my current reading rate (which doesn’t account for books I read that aren’t on the list), I will only read another 264 books before I die – unless I can boost my reading rate to more than 5 books per month.


        My version is an old one. As I mentioned, I downloaded it in 2012. However, I was excited to see that Arukiyomi, the creator of the original list, is still offering this spreadsheet as a download for a very modest “donation” of £3.00 (about $3.80). The current version offered is v7.1 and is based on the 2018 edition of the book. You can download a copy here. While verifying that the list was still available, I also stumbled across a blog post by Kirk Kittle, who created a spreadsheet based on the book. You can read about his version (and download a copy) here.


        My 1001 Books spreadsheet isn’t the only place I track the books I read. Several months ago, I compiled a much shorter list of “to be read” books that I’d like to work through first. It is a collection of books both on and off the 1001 list. To make tracking more fun, I added it to my bullet journal as a bookshelf graphic that I color in as I complete each book. I posted a picture of my tracker on my Instagram feed here.


        And last, but not least, when I searched for the link to the 1001 Books on Amazon.com, I found 1001 Children's Books You Must Read Before You Grow Up by Julia Eccleshare and Indispensable Reading: 1001 Books From The Arabian Nights to Zola by Wm. Roger Louis. If either of these books turns out to be worthwhile, you can be sure I’ll add even more books to my “must-read” list. With all these options, you can bet I will not run out of things to read!







        5 Ways to Manifest Your Best Life

        Hi there, and welcome back! Since we have been heavily focusing on goals and planning, I thought we should discuss manifesting. I love this ...