Today, as I got dressed for work, I contemplated my choices. I put on a company t-shirt, and pajama bottoms. This is my business attire for the day. I have one on one meetings with my team today so I need to look decent. “They won't see my pants” I tell myself, assuring myself that my choice is validated. Make-up? What is that? I hardly ever wear it anymore. 

What happened? I used to get all snazzy for work everyday. I loved having my cute work outfits, and I was starting to see drastic changes due to my weightloss surgery. My life was starting to fall into place before the pandemic. I had met the man of my dreams, became a Stepmom, had plans for a wedding, and my career was going great. Suddenly, life got altered and put on hold. Due to social distancing and sheltering-in-place during the initial outbreak of COVID-19, I started working from home. Now, I have different levels of pajamas:  sleepwear, house cleaning pajamas, and work pajamas. 

This break in routine has led to many days of not feeling “myself”.  Honestly I have survived, and I don’t have much room to complain; my life was minimally impacted, with no loss of life in my immediate family (unlike so many), and we were also very lucky to still have our jobs. We have been fortunate! So why am I so down in the dumps and feel so “off”?.  I truly believe that the change in routine, over and over again, is a huge factor.

It has been noted from many sources that getting dressed will significantly increase a person’s mood, especially if they are struggling with depression. I have always struggled with seasonal depression, and the added stress of all the changes in my routine did not help me. That’s what I feel has been going on with me since COVID-19 hit. I am aware of my struggle and working hard to take care of myself to my best abilities. 

One of the things that I have been doing without realizing during this time, is undervaluing myself. I have constantly made certain little choices and my justification of them has been chiseling away at my self esteem, bit by bit. I will tell myself things like “I don't need to put on fresh clothes, I have not done anything today.” We have all said something along those lines, and it seems harmless, but when I dissected it and looked deeper at the long term effect I discovered that I was basically telling myself that I did not earn clean clothes, as if I did not deserve to have clean clothes on. Another one that struck me hard upon realization was “I don't need to take a shower, I’m not going anywhere important.” No, taking care of my household and working from home is important even if it's just a few steps away versus a commute in a car ride. This is something going on every day, and multiples times throughout the day. At times, I would feel so down on myself. I would say things like “I’m so gross” or “I’m filthy.” It broke my heart to hear myself and to realize what I was saying in my head. I was beating myself up about being unclean, and then turning around and gaslighting myself for not doing anything around the house – convincing myself that I did not deserve to take a bath. It was a full on assault from all ends.
As I have mentioned several times in previous blogs, my word of the year is RISE and I have been trying to incorporate it into all aspects of my life, work, home, family, mental and physical health, and even in my hobbies. I consider my self-care and physical appearance as part of the mental and physical health category. One of my objectives is to elevate my personal care including my attire. My personal care encompasses hygiene, grooming, and primping as well as getting back into a fitness routine, getting my beauty sleep, and much deeper internal growth, like my daily narrative, and self esteem. 

My realization had come after speaking it aloud – it hit me. I don’t have to accomplish some major goal in order to get a decent shower! Being able to bathe and clothe myself is a human necessity and according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, a base necessity for me to thrive. When those basic needs are not met, we shutdown. We cannot fulfill a higher purpose if we do not have shelter, security, clothing etc. I deserve a shower, anytime I want it, I don't have to earn it. I am not required to produce some laborious sweat, or toil with some object or check off an action item, in order to pass this non-existent gauntlet I have created for myself.
 
Coincidently, my boss at work had a fun little survey to kick off our weekly virtual team meeting. She asked how many people wore the same shirt two days in a row. I was shocked to hear how many of my co-workers admit that they were wearing the same outfit that they had on the day prior. It was almost every single one of our fifty-plus meeting attendees. Openly admitting that they were sporting yesterday’s dirty laundry. Many of them justified this by saying, “I’m not going anywhere,” or “I’m just sitting here pushing buttons on a keyboard.” The whole conversation was enlightening to say the least. I was baffled at how many people were willing to admit their dirty little secret, amused, as well as re-assured that it was not just me. But with that reassurance, came validation for my whole concern. My coworker also undervalued himself! He doesn’t just type on a keyboard – he is an integral part of our team and a valuable member of our company. We are all struggling.

I am here, with you, trying to make sense of what my life is now -- who I am and what I need deep down inside, like so many others, still picking up the pieces and trying to carry on with our lives after (technically, still during) the pandemic.

I really like this article, A Guide to Getting Dressed When You are Depressed, by Emily Torres on The Good Trade. It really made me feel good reading it. She speaks to me. Her first tip is to put on clean underwear! That just seems silly to some folks I am sure. But to anyone who has suffered from depression, then I am sure you can relate in some way. Just remember, you deserve clean underwear, even if all you do is get right back into bed - despite having bathed or not. 

I encourage you to help me keep the conversation going. Have you been struggling with self care because of changes due to the pandemic or from working from home? Have you noticed this change with friends, family and colleagues?  Please join us on MMC chat, our Facebook chat group, or comment below.