What are these Questions?

 

Have you ever found yourself in a conversation that suddenly turns boring and predictable? Do you yearn for discussions that dive into the core of human nature, ethics, and personal beliefs? If so, Gregory Stock, PhD's "The Book of Questions" might be perfect for you. This week on the podcast, we explore this book of questions and answer some of them ourselves.

What is this book of questions, though? It’s not a traditional book with a storyline. Instead, it's a collection of open-ended questions covering a wide range of topics, including morality questions, relationships, ambitious questions, and questions about the mysteries of life. Gregory Stock, PhD, a biophysicist, and renowned author, crafted these questions to challenge readers to reflect on their values and assumptions.

When thinking about this book of questions in the post-podcast recording, I can’t help but ask myself why questions matter. Questions have always been important to human progress and self-understanding. They raise curiosity, drive research, and encourage personal growth. The questions in this book are powerful because they often lack straightforward answers. They push us to consider different perspectives and explore the nuances of our beliefs. When asked these questions during the podcast, Christen and I became frustrated because they lacked our desired answers.

Here are some sample questions from the book:

• Ethics and Morality: "If a close friend murdered someone for good reason, but you couldn't go to the police, how would you dispose of the body?"
• Personal Beliefs: "Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?"
• Relationships: "If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?"

How can this book be used? It can be used in various ways.

• Personal Reflection: Spending a few minutes each day thinking about a question and writing down various thoughts. This would be a great exercise in journal writing. 
• Group Discussions: These questions are great conversation starters, especially if you need help starting conversations.
• Therapeutic Settings: Therapists and counselors can use the questions to help clients explore their inner worlds and confront complex issues.

In conclusion, questions matter. This book is an excellent tool for discerning what is more profound in a conversation. 

We want to know what our readers think. Have you read this book? What are your favorite questions to ask to stimulate conversation? Drop a comment below or check out our Facebook Group: MMC Chat.

Are Dating Shows Game Shows?

Hello everyone! This week on the podcast, we delved into the intriguing world of game shows. This topic holds a special place in my heart, as it reminds me of the summers I spent with my grandmother, glued to the TV screen, watching game shows like “The Price is Right.” While researching game shows for the podcast and compiling a list of my favorites, I stumbled upon a fascinating trend on various game show lists across the internet – they all included shows I didn’t think of as gameshows. This led me to ponder: what exactly defines a game show?

The dictionary defines game shows as “a television program in which people compete to win prizes.” In the vast landscape of television entertainment, a genre emerges that blurs the lines between competition, romance, and entertainment: the dating show. These shows often intrigue viewers with their unique blend of structured formats, elimination rounds, and quests for love and rewards. 

Are dating shows game shows? Contestants engage in challenges or tasks that test their skills, knowledge, or abilities to outperform their competitors and emerge victorious. Shows like "Jeopardy!" and "Wheel of Fortune" exemplify the average game show experience, where contestants vie for cash prizes or other incentives based on their performance in various challenges. On the other hand, Dating shows introduce a twist to the traditional game show formula by intertwining elements of romance and interpersonal relationships. While contestants may still compete against each other or face elimination rounds, the primary objective shifts from winning prizes to finding love or forming meaningful connections. Shows like "The Bachelor" and "Love Island" offer contestants the opportunity to embark on romantic journeys, go on dates, forge bonds, and ultimately hope to find their perfect match.

Is it love, or is it just a game? Both traditional game shows and dating shows have overlapping elements. While dating shows may deviate from the conventional mold of game shows by prioritizing romance over competition, they still incorporate structured formats, elimination rounds, and strategic gameplay. Contestants must navigate challenges and vie for the attention of their romantic interests, adding layers of complexity and intrigue to the competition.

One aspect that further blurs the distinction between dating shows and game shows is audience engagement. Both genres invite viewers to become emotionally invested in the outcomes, whether rooting for their favorite contestants to win cash prizes or hoping for love to blossom between potential couples. The interactive nature of dating shows, where audiences witness the highs and lows of romantic relationships unfolding in real time, creates a sense of suspense and anticipation similar to traditional game shows.

Ultimately, whether a dating show is considered a game show comes down to interpretation and perspective. While dating shows may diverge from the conventional definition of game shows by prioritizing romance over competition, they nevertheless share many of the same structural elements and engage viewers similarly. As television evolves and genres intersect, the boundaries between game shows and dating shows may continue to blur, challenging traditional notions of categorization and inviting audiences to explore new and exciting forms of entertainment.

We're eager to hear your thoughts on this intriguing topic. Do you consider dating shows to be game shows? What's your favorite game show? We invite you to share your views in the comments below. Remember to check out our podcast for more engaging discussions.

Saying Yes to Big Change

Yesterday on the podcast we celebrated 50 episodes! We talked about our favorite episodes that we have recorded so far. One of my favorite episodes and blogs that I’ve written thus far on my Modern Musings journey has been our episode about Cups. In my blog, I wrote about how I refilled my cup with positive energy after years of tragedy.

One of the things I wrote about in my earlier blog was that I tried new things whether I felt comfortable or not, and I have continued that sentiment. When I was younger, I felt trapped. It wasn’t that I was physically trapped but mentally trapped by the things going on in my life. I felt like I couldn’t get out and do something because I had no money or I had people that I had to take care of, so I couldn’t spend time and effort on myself. I believed that I had to put myself last for many years. One of the scariest things that I’ve done is start over from scratch at the age of 37, and it has been an absolutely crazy but enjoyable ride since. Instead of saying “no,” I said “yes”, and my life needed more YES.

In the past two years, I have said “yes” to many things, and most of them have been positive (but not all of them). In my experience so far, saying “yes” to opportunities often leads to more significant possibilities. In the past year, I have said yes to two major events in my life: starting Modern Musings and marrying Jason.

Christen and I have been best friends for 20 years. In fact, we met 20 years ago in the college dorms and spent most of our college experiences together. In a sense, we “grew up” together. I had the privilege to be Matron of Honor at her wedding, and she will, in turn, be Matron of Honor at my wedding next year. Starting a podcast was just something that Christen and I played around with on our occasional girls’ night, but we weren’t sure how to get started. On a separate occasion, Christen had the very same talk with her mom, Cindy, and Modern Musings was born.

I live a very busy life as a teacher that spans all hours of the day, from getting parent phone calls in the middle of the night to emergency weekend Zoom meetings, so I wasn’t sure how I could fit anything extra into my life. It was rocky at first, especially when it came to writing these blogs. When my mom got sick, I gave up on my writing for many years. Once I developed a routine, writing became easier for me. When it became time for us to record our first episode, I was nervous. I never liked being put on the spot, and while I had natural conversations with people in real life, wearing recording equipment while having a conversation was daunting. I barely talked during our first few podcast episodes. Over time, it has become easier, but I still get nervous. Now, I look forward to recording our weekly podcasts.

Next week, Jason and I will be celebrating the one-year anniversary of his asking me to be his girlfriend officially. Just shy of our 11-month anniversary, he asked me to marry him on a dock looking over the ocean on our summer vacation in Gulf Shores, Alabama, and I said yes. We met each other in the spring of 2021 by chance and became friends. At the time, I was finalizing my divorce and wasn’t even thinking about my next relationship or marriage. Several months later, he asked me out on an official date, and I said, yes. He took me to a gastropub near my house, and we spent hours talking and laughing. The date went so well, he asked me on a second date and then a third date, and the rest is history. One of my students asked me recently why I chose Jason. I told him that I have never laughed as much as I do with Jason, I have never felt more relaxed or myself as I do with Jason, and I’ve never had as much fun as I do with Jason. Saying “yes” to Jason has opened my life up to new and exciting adventures, whether it is spending a great night cooking together, going on a day trip to different museums, or attending a baseball game. When we started dating a year ago, we agreed to have no bad days and we haven’t. Yes, we have our ups and downs, but we always end every day on a good note.

I want to hear from our readers. What is something in the past year that you’ve said “yes” to that has changed your life? Let’s continue the conversation in the comments or in our Facebook Group: MMC Chat.

Motivation Tips for the Start of the School Year

School Time

Hey everyone! It is August and what does that mean? The start of school here in Texas! It is the time when teachers, students, and parents get out of the summertime mindset and back to the hustle of classrooms and school activities. I was so busy this summer that I swear I blinked and I missed it. I had a list of things I wanted to do (as usual), but I didn’t have time to do them. By the time August arrives, I’m usually ready to get back to school. That’s not the case this year because I feel like I needed at least one more month. So, how do we get out of the summer mindset and back to the hustle?

Last school year was tough for me, as it was for many other teachers. I felt like I needed extra motivation to go back to the classroom for the 2022-23 school year after a few of my coworkers quit teaching altogether over the summer. It is an uncertain time for education, but I am here for it and ready to embody my “Balancing Home and Work” blog. 

Here are some motivation tips for teachers this school year. I promise this will help with burnout and these tips can also be adapted for non-teachers:

Vision Board for this Coming School

1. Visualize how you want this year to go. Towards the end of the summer, I always start thinking about school so much that I have dreams about it. What do I want my classroom to look like? How do I want my classroom to be? What am I going to wear in the first week of school? What are we going to read this year? One of the best tips I can give someone is to make a vision board or make a vision list. Since my year runs August-July, this is the time of year that I start to make a vision board. If you are a visual person, a classroom vision board is a great motivator. We Are Teachers has some great ideas for your vision board.
2. Set goals for the year. This can go hand-in-hand with making a vision board. Ask yourself what the big picture is. What do you want your students to learn this year? What do you want to learn this year? Also, ask yourself how you can accomplish these goals. I like to set goals in two ways: I set them for the year as a whole, and I set them for each unit/lesson I will be teaching. I promise that being this organized will make your year go smoother. Check out my blog on SMART Goals for more ideas.
3. Set daily intentions. Now that you have a long-term idea of what you want to do, it’s time to look at the day-to-day. Ask yourself what you want to accomplish, and go into the day with an open mindset.
4. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Okay, your lesson plan went terribly. Don’t let it ruin your day. My mentor teacher in college told me that the first period is always the “practice period” because anything that would happen to off-put your lesson will usually happen during the first period. You have to shake it off and move on to the next class period. Your first-period students will be back and ready to learn tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day.
5. Take time out for yourself. One of my past mistakes has been to work through lunch. Most teachers have just thirty minutes for lunch. Take that thirty minutes and get out of the classroom. If students know you are in your classroom at lunch, they will want to be in there with you. Take some alone time. Walk around. Go outside. Your classroom will still be there when you return.
6. Don’t be afraid to try something new. I am not one of those teachers that teaches the exact same thing every year. I may have a set of novels that I teach, but I am always researching and finding new ways to teach those novels, which keeps my job interesting. If I am bored with a novel or a lesson, I like to try something new. The same can be said with any aspect of teaching. If your class rules aren’t exactly working, try something new. Don’t get set in ways that don’t work. Be flexible.
7. Have fun. This one is big. If you are not having fun and enjoying yourself (at least a little), you are in the wrong job. Make friends. Do something creative. Turn your lesson into a game to get the kids motivated. Go somewhere after work to relax. Remember to have fun. As Eckhart Tolle would say, “live in the now.”

I want to hear from our readers. What motivates you? What are some tips you have for motivation? Let’s continue the conversation below or in our Facebook Group: MMC Chat.

A Spiritual Journey

Religion is a touchy topic for most. I was in a physical fight once when I was a kid over the concept of life on other planets. In case you were wondering, I believe in life on other planets, and I defended my belief with a punch to the chest. The other person’s argument: if life existed on other planets, it would be mentioned in the Bible. As I said, a touchy topic.

I can only speak to my experience with religion because it directly influenced how I turned out and how I live my life now. That is to say, I don’t consider myself religious. Over the years, I have been called many things such as a “dirty Atheist” and a “devil worshiper,” but really I am none of those things. My beliefs are simply different than the average small-town person. That is where it all started…in a small town.

I was born a Southern Baptist. At least, that’s all I remember growing up. My parents weren’t very religious but my dad’s mom, Granny, took me to church every Sunday at a small, country, Baptist church. In that church, I only knew love, acceptance, and understanding. When I was in fourth grade, Granny moved to town, and we started attending the Baptist church near her house. The difference between the country church and the church in town was huge. For example, it wasn’t uncommon in the country for the farmers to wear overalls or dusty jeans to church, but in town, it was frowned upon if you dressed less than your “Sunday best.” I remember the church ladies treated Granny differently because she didn’t wear expensive dresses and was not perfectly made up. I noticed this type of prejudice at a young age as well as other subtle things within the church that were disagreeable to me.

At that young age, I began to question things about the beliefs that no one else around me seemed to question, like life on other planets, as well as the behavior and intolerance for anything different. At the same time, the young people were pressured to seal their beliefs through baptism. Enough was enough. I wanted to believe what I wanted to believe, and not what I was pressured to believe. I wanted to ask the big questions. I wanted to be spiritual in my beliefs and not confined by them.

What does it mean to be spiritual? According to Dr. Maya Spencer, “spirituality involves the recognition of a feeling or sense or belief that there is something greater than myself, something more to being human than sensory experience, and that the greater whole of which we are part is cosmic or divine in nature.”

In other words, I believe there is more to the world than meets the eye, and I am still evolving and exploring my beliefs 28 years later. I was once told that because I was pressured into being baptized, I will always be a Christian and I can’t “take it back,” but the freedom of choice was taken from me in that regard. What I can choose is how I live my life in the here and the now while valuing myself and being open-minded to anything and everything that comes my way. That is the true lesson that I learned growing up in the church: what I did not want to be.

Would I be different if I grew up in a different Christian religion? Maybe. Probably not.

You are probably asking yourself, “what is her religion, again?” I don’t have one. My spirituality is a patchwork of many different beliefs, but I recently took a “What Religion am I?” quiz* (just for fun) and my result was: Mahayana Buddhism.

I want to hear from our readers. Are you spiritual? What does being spiritual mean to you? Let’s continue the conversation on our Facebook Group: MMC Chat.

*You can take the “What Religion am I?” quiz here.

Tea Pots and Toby Mugs

Hello everyone! On this week's podcast, we talked a lot about what is considered a collection. When I think of collecting, I always think of my mom. She always told me that everyone needs something to collect. As I grew older, I began to understand what she meant. Everyone does collect something even if they fail to realize it. My grandmother collected bells, my cousin collects snow globes, my coworker collects Pokémon cards, and my boyfriend collects horror movie memorabilia. What drives us to collect things?

When I was little, I was a novice collector of things such as rocks and crystals, pretty coins, and keychains. When I was in the second grade, my cousin gave me one of her old Archie comic books; I was instantly in love and wanted to read more. Every time we were at the grocery store and there was a new digest available, I would ask my mom to buy one for me. Through those newer comics, there were opportunities for me to order some by mail including back issues of my favorites. I loved everything about Archie and the dynamic he had with his friends and the sweet teen romances he had with Betty and Veronica.

In addition to the local bookstore, my mom would take me to vintage comic book stores to see if we could find older Archie editions. A few years later, I collected over 1,000 comics and various pieces of memorabilia. My friend Stacy and I started our own Archie Fan Club and we would read our books together while listening to “Sugar, Sugar” by The Archies. It didn’t occur to me that the comics I collected might be worth something someday. I was collecting these books purely for fun.

As I grew older, I began to share my mom’s interest in antiquing, garage sales, and auctions. My mom was an avid collector of vintage Coca-Cola memorabilia herself. She also restored antiques as a hobby and resold them on eBay. It wasn’t until my mid 20’s that I (accidentally) started my antique collection, which evolved into a greater appreciation of the art of collecting.

I was sitting in my grandmother’s living room one day and I was admiring her teapots. They weren’t my grandmother’s teapots but my great-grandmother’s teapots on my grandfather’s side, and they had always sat on the top shelf of my grandmother’s built-in bookshelf. There were eight of them arranged perfectly, and I always noticed them – even when I was a kid. One was gorgeous (to me), and it had golden polka dots. I told her and my mom that I would like to inherit them one day when she was tired of them. At that point, I had been a casual teapot collector. I had a Snoopy teapot and a Cow Jumping Over the Moon teapot that friends had randomly given to me. I liked teapots, but it was the sentimental value of my great-grandmother’s collection that drew me, especially the shiny polka dots on the one that I specifically noticed.

Zodiac Teacup from my collection

Not long after that conversation, my mom took me to one of the monthly auctions in our hometown of Vernon, Texas. It was an estate auction and among the wares was a collection of vintage China teapots. My mom handed me some money and said I could bid on whatever I wanted, so I bid on those teapots and won. That started my strange journey in teapot collecting. While I do appreciate the art of collecting vintage items for resale like my mom did, this collection journey was purely for my decorative pleasure. Over the years, I have collected teapots from the many antique, auction, and thrift store outings with my mom, and I have been gifted teapots. My tastes also evolved from pretty, shiny teapots to weird and unique-looking ones.

Benjamin Franklin Teapot

In 2017, at an estate sale with my mom, I bought my first Toby Head. What is a Toby Head? According to the American Toby Jug Museum (yes, it exists), a Toby is a ceramic head molded in the form of a popular character, historical, fictional, or generic. Tobys do not have a specific manufacturer. Any ceramic head can be considered a Toby. That being said, I like unique Tobys. Since 2017, I have collected a number of Tobys in many forms from teapots to creamer jugs to mugs. My favorite find was a Benjamin Franklin teapot from a shop in McKinney, Texas called  The Groovy Coop. Recently, I found a pair of king and queen mugs on eBay.

Toby teapot and mug

Some of my mini Toby collection

Last year, after my divorce, I made the difficult decision to downsize many of the things that I had inherited or collected over the years, and my teapots and Tobys were not left unscathed. I only kept the ones that gave me a certain amount of pleasure and the very important ones that my mom and I curated. Now I keep the pure pleasure of my collection to a minimum.

So, what drives us to collect? Is it s psychological need to hunt and categorize or is it the pleasure of just having something sentimental? I believe that it’s both. My mom was right. Everyone needs to collect.

I want to hear from our readers. What do you collect and why do you collect it? Head on over to our Facebook Group: MMC Chat and continue the conversation!

*20 years later, my first-edition near-mint “Betty” comic book is worth $165 according to Nostomania.

The Ongoing Battle I Fight

Let me get one thing straight before I begin: I LOVE FOOD. My whole life I have been a foodie. I know this may sound weird because I grew up in a small town and the opportunities to try new things were limited. But I collected cookbooks and watched food shows dreaming of food adventures. We would eat at a “fancy” restaurant twice a year for my mom’s birthday and again on Mother’s Day, and I was always adventurous. Nowadays, eating adventurously is the norm for me, especially since my boyfriend of nine months is a chef. However, there’s one problem… I love food, but food does not love me.

Let’s talk genetics. Can we fight genetics? It’s similar to fate, right? I talked about my genetics in a previous blog and how unfortunate they were. For many years, being fat has been equated with being lazy or unhealthy. I can imagine people thinking “all she probably does is sit around and eat.” Until about 20 years ago, genetics wasn’t considered a reason some people were obese, especially healthy and athletic people. According to the article “Obesity and Genetics: Nature and Nurture,” about 43% of the population have the FTO gene that “predisposes them to gain excess weight.” In other words, if you are not careful to balance your life choices, you could easily gain weight. I used to joke that if I even looked at food, I would gain weight. If you looked at my family, you would see that many of them have fought the battle and lost.

These days, it is all about female empowerment and fat acceptance. Women are freer with their bodies, and they no longer feel like they need to cover up or wear a wardrobe that hides their curves. Growing up in small-town Texas, that wasn’t always the case. My grandmother saw early on that I had the predisposition to be a bigger child and she tried her hardest to steer me in the right direction. By the time I hit middle school, I had been through so many fad diets, and it grew worse as I got older. Aside from my weight gain, it was always a struggle to find nice outfits for a large female that weren’t geared toward an older woman. When I hit high school, I had no fashion sense. I wore “big and tall” t-shirts and bike shorts from the men’s section or oversized shirts with outdated flowers from the women’s department. The closest plus-size store for women was three hours away from where I lived, and we could only afford to drive that far once a year. A single shirt there usually cost around $50 and my family struggled financially, so, I made do.

Despite being overweight and bullied for it growing up, I was a pretty athletic child. The only sport I didn’t play (because it wasn’t offered) was soccer. I was even part of a running club in school called the “Elite Fleet.” None of this athleticism helped me lose weight. Aside from genetics, my family was poor, so we didn’t have the healthiest diet. My mom worked two jobs and oftentimes chose McDonald’s or cup noodles over cooking meals at home. If my mom worked late, I usually had cereal for dinner. Needless to say, my childhood was carb-heavy.

Because I was athletic and healthy, I maintained my weight throughout high school and continued to be pushed through fad diets by my grandma. For example, I was taken to weight-loss seminars, and hypnotherapists, and I was even taken to get my ear stapled once because it was said that the ear staple curbs hunger. According to the Mayo Clinic, “proponents of ear stapling claim that the staples stimulate a pressure point that controls appetite, leading to weight loss.” However, the Mayo Clinic says that ear stapling probably won’t work and it may cause ear infections. As I grew older, I developed a sense of body dysmorphia and depression that led to secret binge eating. I began to feel ashamed of my body, which worsened my depression and binge eating.

Throughout my life, I tried a few diets that did work, but they were never long-term solutions. For example, I tried Weight Watchers twice in my life, and both times it worked well. Weight Watchers is all about accountability and fellowship. If you are not familiar with the concept, you track your food using a point system. You go to weekly meetings and have weekly weigh-ins. The meetings and the weigh-ins held me accountable, and I lost weight doing the program. Unfortunately, programs like Weight Watchers can be costly, and after a time on the program, I wasn’t able to afford it anymore. I tried to keep up with the principles after I left the program, but the accountability was what originally kept me on the diet, and once on my own, I eventually lost my way.

Other diets/weight loss tricks I have tried unsuccessfully:

• Am 300
• Garcinia Cambogia
• Stacker 3000
• Adkins Diet
• Genesis Diet
• Juice Diet
• Herbalife
• Levell

 

In 2018, I started a low carbohydrate diet. The bane of my existence has always been sweets. Both of my parents were diabetic, and I knew I was headed toward that path. A low carbohydrate diet has been the most successful diet that I have been on to date. I don’t consider it a diet but more of a lifestyle change. I cut back drastically on eating sweets and added sugars, I focus mostly on getting protein in my diet and leafy green vegetables but that was only the stepping stone on my path to better health. I was slowly losing weight but not quick enough to better my health. 

 

My doctor suggested I have bariatric surgery and it was the hardest thing a binge eater could do, both emotionally and psychologically, which I will talk about in a future blog. Post-surgery I have consistently kept a low-carbohydrate diet and I have been successful at losing and maintaining since surgery, but every day is a constant struggle to go back to my comfort zone.

Things I do to try and maintain and continue to lose weight:

• Meal replacement shakes: This is mainly to keep my protein up, but a high protein shake in the morning helps me have a great start to my day.
• Small meals instead of large ones: Before surgery, I preferred to eat this way as well. If I eat small meals, I can maintain my energy and stay more alert.
• Limit what I drink to mostly water: I try to drink as much water as I can throughout the day. If I drink something besides water, it will be coffee or tea. Getting enough water is important to me because I feel crappy if I don’t drink enough of it.
• Cheat days are okay: One thing I’ve learned over the years is that an extremely strict diet will only backfire. So, I reward myself occasionally.
• If you fall off the wagon, pick yourself up: Every day is a new day! Don’t beat yourself up for gaining a pound or giving in and eating that slice of cake. You can start again tomorrow.
• Stay active even for a little bit: As a teacher, I move around a lot at work, which keeps me active. When I worked from home during quarantine, it was hard to stay active while sitting at a desk all day. Even if you just walk a little bit, staying active is important.

In conclusion, I am still learning the ins and outs of my body as I gain, lose, or maintain. There is never an exact science to weight loss that I have found. There also isn’t a quick fix. My best advice is to stay positive and always leave room for self-care. One of the biggest things I’ve learned throughout this journey is to love myself and the mess my body is and to strive for inner peace and not perfection.

I want to hear from our readers. What diets have you tried and failed at? Do you have any tips and tricks you would like to share? Let’s continue the conversation in the comments and on our Facebook Group: MMC Chat.

House of Cards

My eyes are open and the alarm is blaring. I’m staring at the ceiling in the darkness. Breathing. Just breathing. I’m staring. My alarm…snooze. Nine more minutes and I’ll get up, I promise myself this every morning. Nine more minutes. I swear I’ll get up this time.

Everyone hits snooze, right? Generally, they fall back to sleep. Were they awake half the night making lists in their heads? Endless lists of things they worry about… things they need to buy at the store…or things they want to do to their house? I was. I was laying there thinking of everything in the world but sleep because that’s what I do. Sometimes I can read, work on crossword puzzles, or tell myself stories to put myself asleep. So, when I hit snooze, I’m awake, but I just don’t want to get out of bed. It’s not because I’m lazy. I mentally can’t get out of bed. I’m trapped in my head, unable to move. Every morning I have to untrap myself. I have to convince myself that getting out of bed is the right thing to do. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m ill. I have a mental illness that I try to overcome every day of my life.

That’s not a normal thing to say, is it? What is normal? I can think of various instances from my childhood that point to the fact that I was not normal and that things were not okay. For example, I became so angry over something trivial that I ripped the bedpost off my bed and threw it across the room. Does that seem normal?

My generation grew up with the stigma that everything deemed “different” was bad, especially if you grew up in a small, conservative town in the south. Growing up, I quickly learned that to be a fully functional member of society, I had to hide the parts of myself that were considered “not okay.” In other words, “fake it until you make it.” So, that’s what I did. I became a master of my reality, and my only outlet growing up was through my writing. Throughout my adolescence, I went out of my way to not be noticed and to appear “normal.”

As I grew older, it was harder to fake. In my third year of college, circa 2004, I began to slowly give in to mania and depression. I stayed up all night, I stopped going to class, and I began sleeping all day until I had to get up to go to work. About halfway through my first semester, I was failing most of my classes except my creative writing class. It was the only one I enjoyed attending. The next semester wasn’t any better. I was on academic probation, and I still had a hard time making myself attend most of my classes other than my poetry writing elective. By that time, my mania/depression had turned into self-destructive behaviors. I quit my job to focus on college, but in reality, I was having a hard time making myself go to work and school. I figured that if I eliminated work, I would attend school. I was wrong. That summer, I was told I had to take a semester off from college due to my academic performance. At that point, I gave in and started seeing an on-campus psychiatrist.

After a few sessions, he diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar Disorder is “a mental disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, concentration, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks,” according to the National Institute of Mental Health. This diagnosis did not come as a shock to me. In fact, it made sense. I knew there was something wrong. I had always known, that people with mental illnesses were considered “crazy.” Was I crazy?

“You are not crazy,” my mother told me after my diagnosis. “I work with people who have Bipolar Disorder. You can’t possibly have Bipolar Disorder.” My mom was a social worker for the criminally insane at the local state hospital. She, along with a lot of people I knew, equated mental illness with crime because the only confessed people with bipolar disorder she knew were her clients at the hospital, and most of them had committed violent crimes. I was not violent. I was not a criminal. How could I be mentally ill? This is one of the stigmas that followed people with mental illness seventeen years ago. After my mother’s reaction and subsequent denial, why would I want to confess to having such a monstrous disorder? 

So, I suffered in silence like so many others. I overcame my baser instincts. Medication helped, but it only takes a person so far when it comes to Bipolar Disorder. Living life is a constant struggle. Sudden changes can often break my day. My first reaction to something negative is always to throw something, break something, or scream, but I stop myself and channel that energy in a more positive way. Over the years, my disorder became easier to control with practice and patience. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have bad days or that a single push will not tumble my carefully constructed house of cards. If that happens, I rebuild. It may be hard, but I do it.

On our podcast this week, we talk about living with mental illness. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, one in five Americans live with mental illness. If more people talked about their condition, they would not have to suffer in silence like I did most of my life. Carrie Fisher once said, “Bipolar Disorder can be a great teacher. It’s a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life.” I accept the challenge. My condition is not a disability. I live with it and overcome it every day of my life, just like so many others.

I want to hear from our readers. Do you or a loved one suffer from mental illness? Let’s continue the conversation in our Facebook Group: MMC Chat.