Coping with Mental Health and Adult Children

Over the last 6 months, Amber, Christen, and I have shared quite a bit about our personal lives, our struggles with depression, ADHD, OCD, dementia, and familial tendencies toward mental illness. We’ve each had various experiences that have affected us deeply. I think that’s why mental illness is such an important topic here at Modern Musings, and why we’re talking about it this week. I know the topic is certainly at the top of my list, having lived with my own struggles for many years. However, mental illness takes on a whole new level of complexity when a parent is dealing with their child’s issues of mental illness, and while we can exert a bit of control over our youngsters, we are pretty much helpless as we watch the suffering of our adult children. It’s painful in ways that dim our own challenges, and it stabs at the core of our competence as a parent. But, what can we do?

I have often blamed myself for the struggles of my children. Did I pass on that gene? Was it something I did, or some failing of mine as a parent? Was there something I could have done to prevent it? Did I miss the signs? These are but a few of the questions a parent asks when their child is dealing with ADHD, depression, addiction, or any number of other mental health diagnoses. And we never stop asking those questions.

The other big question we ask is, “What can I do to help?” The answer is not as simple as one might think. Once your child is an adult, you don’t have much input into their treatment, and unless your child consents to release medical information, you are, by law, excluded from getting any information from their doctors. This is why maintaining a good relationship and open communication with your child is extremely important. Constantly checking in and checking up on our children can feel like smothering. The advice can feel like demands or even disappointment. You might need to adjust your thinking, too. Your dreams and expectations for your child may need to change in light of a mental health diagnosis. The brilliant student bound for college might take longer to reach that goal or may change plans altogether. The key is to show your adult child that you love them, accept them, and support them while acknowledging that they are an adult and it’s up to them to get the help they need.

I think one of the hardest things I’ve ever done is to sit back and watch my children suffer through many of the same mental health issues that have plagued me my whole life. It’s excruciatingly painful to know that I am powerless to fix it. But I think the part that is hardest to accept is when that child doesn’t get the help they need. It’s almost like watching them bleed out from a severed arm but you’re not allowed to stop the bleeding. Like any parent, I am full of all kinds of advice, and I want to do everything I can to make my family happy, well, and whole. If it was okay to do so, I would load them up in the car and drive them to the doctor myself! I’ve seen too many families torn apart by homelessness, abuse, addiction, and suicide. I can’t bear the thought of that happening to my children. So, you can bet that if I think they are going to hurt themselves or someone else, I will not hesitate to step in and do just that!

According to the National Alliance on Mental Health:

• 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. experiences mental illness in a given year.

• Annually, 1 in 25 adults in the U.S. experiences a serious mental illness that substantially interferes with or limits major life activities.

• 50% of mental illness begins by age 14, and three-quarters begins by age 24.

• The average delay between symptom onset and treatment is 11 years

• 18% of U.S. adults with mental illness also have a substance use disorder

• 21% of people experiencing homelessness also have a serious mental illness

• 46% of people who die by suicide have a diagnosed mental health condition

• Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for people ages 10-34

• Only 41% of adults in the U.S. with a mental health condition received mental health services in the past year.

Here are some tips for dealing with your adult child with a mental health diagnosis:

• Early intervention can help reduce the severity of an illness.

• Use “I” statements so you don’t alienate them: “When I hear you talking about how unhappy you are, I feel worried. I think talking to someone about how you are feeling would be very helpful.”

• Stop the power struggles:  Listen, really listen, without judgment or correction

• Let them know you are there for them

• Remove the stigma of mental health issues

• Be willing to share your own issues – it helps them to know they aren’t alone

• Set boundaries: Neither of you should tolerate physical or verbal abuse. No cursing, hitting, or threats

• Encourage them to get help

• Find support for yourself

• Develop a crisis plan in case of emergency: Collect contact information for:

• The nearest hospital

• The crisis hotlines

• The nearest police department

• Family and friends

• Any treatment providers

• Have your child sign a medical release form so you can be involved if they suffer a significant episode.

  
  

If your child’s behavior is unsafe, or if they talk about wanting to hurt themselves or someone else – do not hesitate to intervene! You might just save a life!

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/warning-signs-of-mental-illness

Mental Health Awareness Month

Did you know that May is Mental Health Awareness Month? When we decided to discuss this topic, we had no idea that there was a month dedicated to its awareness, we just knew that it was something that we all three wanted to talk about through Modern Musings. 

I really hope that you got a chance to listen to the podcast yesterday! We were so fortunate to have Ashely Roberts, a student of Psychology, join us and weigh in on the discussion. It was comforting to have someone with that background helping guide our discussion. Sadly, in today’s society, many of us have not had much opportunity to speak with others about mental health. It almost seems that we are coming out from under the constraints, and speaking about mental health- is no longer taboo. Even so, it is still a challenge, and we are all learning. 

One thing that everyone must consider, is that humanity’s ignorance as a whole is not in any way malicious; it is just ignorance. The general population of the world is still trying to grapple with the idea that no one is perfect, and that it is okay to be different. We need to be patient with those who do not understand mental health and cannot comprehend what it is like to live with a mental health condition. Since many have felt silenced regarding their mental health and have not found that safe haven yet, 

we must be sensitive to those around us; you can never know what people are going through. There are some staggering statistics that you can review in The State Of Mental Health In America.  

Mental health is a very broad topic, and according to mentalhealth.gov, it covers everything about how you think, feel and act. It also encompasses how you handle stress and relate to others, and how you make choices. These are all determined by key factors, including genetics and brain chemistry, life experiences, and family history.

The biggest term that is cropping up online in the past decade (or more) is “self-care”. On the surface, self-care looks or sounds like taking bubble baths, relaxing, having a quiet moment of reflection, or treating yourself to some dark chocolate. In reality, self-care can be so much more. It means “taking care of yourself”, and can be whatever you need in order to have a stable environment. Sometimes self-care is ending an unhealthy relationship, and sometimes that relationship is a person, but it can also be a thing. I know that we have talked about self-care in various forms, and we will probably touch on the subject many more times.

I am grateful that we are normalizing mental health. It felt so good to talk about my own battle with depression and get it off my chest. People should not feel ashamed to talk about their feelings, stress, fears, etc. These days, you can get information just about anywhere online for anything you need regarding mental health. By normalizing mental health, it could save a life. Someone who is feeling suicidal might feel more compelled to share their feelings knowing that they are not going to be shamed and having the comfort of talking with someone who understands. 

Starting on July 16, 2022, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline will be available by dialing 988 for the United States. Please pass this along, and let others know that people who care are standing by, ready to help!

House of Cards

My eyes are open and the alarm is blaring. I’m staring at the ceiling in the darkness. Breathing. Just breathing. I’m staring. My alarm…snooze. Nine more minutes and I’ll get up, I promise myself this every morning. Nine more minutes. I swear I’ll get up this time.

Everyone hits snooze, right? Generally, they fall back to sleep. Were they awake half the night making lists in their heads? Endless lists of things they worry about… things they need to buy at the store…or things they want to do to their house? I was. I was laying there thinking of everything in the world but sleep because that’s what I do. Sometimes I can read, work on crossword puzzles, or tell myself stories to put myself asleep. So, when I hit snooze, I’m awake, but I just don’t want to get out of bed. It’s not because I’m lazy. I mentally can’t get out of bed. I’m trapped in my head, unable to move. Every morning I have to untrap myself. I have to convince myself that getting out of bed is the right thing to do. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m ill. I have a mental illness that I try to overcome every day of my life.

That’s not a normal thing to say, is it? What is normal? I can think of various instances from my childhood that point to the fact that I was not normal and that things were not okay. For example, I became so angry over something trivial that I ripped the bedpost off my bed and threw it across the room. Does that seem normal?

My generation grew up with the stigma that everything deemed “different” was bad, especially if you grew up in a small, conservative town in the south. Growing up, I quickly learned that to be a fully functional member of society, I had to hide the parts of myself that were considered “not okay.” In other words, “fake it until you make it.” So, that’s what I did. I became a master of my reality, and my only outlet growing up was through my writing. Throughout my adolescence, I went out of my way to not be noticed and to appear “normal.”

As I grew older, it was harder to fake. In my third year of college, circa 2004, I began to slowly give in to mania and depression. I stayed up all night, I stopped going to class, and I began sleeping all day until I had to get up to go to work. About halfway through my first semester, I was failing most of my classes except my creative writing class. It was the only one I enjoyed attending. The next semester wasn’t any better. I was on academic probation, and I still had a hard time making myself attend most of my classes other than my poetry writing elective. By that time, my mania/depression had turned into self-destructive behaviors. I quit my job to focus on college, but in reality, I was having a hard time making myself go to work and school. I figured that if I eliminated work, I would attend school. I was wrong. That summer, I was told I had to take a semester off from college due to my academic performance. At that point, I gave in and started seeing an on-campus psychiatrist.

After a few sessions, he diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar Disorder is “a mental disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, concentration, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks,” according to the National Institute of Mental Health. This diagnosis did not come as a shock to me. In fact, it made sense. I knew there was something wrong. I had always known, that people with mental illnesses were considered “crazy.” Was I crazy?

“You are not crazy,” my mother told me after my diagnosis. “I work with people who have Bipolar Disorder. You can’t possibly have Bipolar Disorder.” My mom was a social worker for the criminally insane at the local state hospital. She, along with a lot of people I knew, equated mental illness with crime because the only confessed people with bipolar disorder she knew were her clients at the hospital, and most of them had committed violent crimes. I was not violent. I was not a criminal. How could I be mentally ill? This is one of the stigmas that followed people with mental illness seventeen years ago. After my mother’s reaction and subsequent denial, why would I want to confess to having such a monstrous disorder? 

So, I suffered in silence like so many others. I overcame my baser instincts. Medication helped, but it only takes a person so far when it comes to Bipolar Disorder. Living life is a constant struggle. Sudden changes can often break my day. My first reaction to something negative is always to throw something, break something, or scream, but I stop myself and channel that energy in a more positive way. Over the years, my disorder became easier to control with practice and patience. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have bad days or that a single push will not tumble my carefully constructed house of cards. If that happens, I rebuild. It may be hard, but I do it.

On our podcast this week, we talk about living with mental illness. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, one in five Americans live with mental illness. If more people talked about their condition, they would not have to suffer in silence like I did most of my life. Carrie Fisher once said, “Bipolar Disorder can be a great teacher. It’s a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life.” I accept the challenge. My condition is not a disability. I live with it and overcome it every day of my life, just like so many others.

I want to hear from our readers. Do you or a loved one suffer from mental illness? Let’s continue the conversation in our Facebook Group: MMC Chat.