Behind the Clock

This week on the podcast we are discussing The Luck of the Irish and the origin of the meaning. Years ago, while visiting Salt Lake City, I ended up at the Family History Library. I have always been interested in genealogy and it was something that my dad was interested in as well. He spent years studying family history. The library set me up with an account and got me started on what was soon to become an intensive family history project that I am still working on. One of the things I discovered about my last name over the years is the Gaelic translation meaning “rough fate.”

When I was younger I used to ask myself why I was so unlucky. It always seemed that when things/tasks seemed easier for one person, they seemed three times as hard for me to accomplish. I felt “behind the clock.” So to speak.

What is “behind the clock?” I always thought that there were three types of people:

1. Before the clock: The lucky ones. The ones that never seemed to have a “bad hair day”. The ones that were always praised for being gorgeous, having money, getting good grades without having to work too hard for them, etc. Life seemed to be easy for those people.
2. On-time: Those that lived a natural flow of life. They were never lucky or unlucky. They lived their life naturally and accepted the natural way of life.
3. Behind the clock: The chronically unlucky ones. The ones that were always late. The ones that things never seemed to go smoothly for. It seemed that they had to work extra hard in all aspects of life. These people were usually born poor or were constant victims of some hardship.

However, those were just surface-level thoughts. Life is never that simple and you have to get to know someone to be able to judge their circumstances. No one is consistently before or behind the clock. Not everyone is “on time” all the time. A lot of the time, people that seem to “have it all” are just projecting an illusion to the public because they don’t want an insight into what’s going on behind the scenes of their life. Nevertheless, I was jealous of what I perceived as “before the clock” people. I was too trapped in my misery to see past the surface.

Aside from all that, I wondered why am I so unlucky? For many years I kept a mental/running list of reasons why I thought I was unlucky:

• I was born a female: I am a child of the ’80s. I grew up with the perception of how females are supposed to be, and I was none of those things. I have always felt very masculine compared to conventional definitions of “female.” At the same time, I feel very “feminine” as well. I very much embrace both my masculine and feminine sides dually. But, when I was a child, men seemed to have it all and I thought it was unfortunate that I didn’t.
• I had some unfortunate genetics: I have always been overweight and from a genetics standpoint, I have always had to work extra hard to lose weight. Being “plus-size” growing up was hard. I had a lot of body issues, and I was bullied for being overweight not only by the kids in school but by my family members as well.
• My family was poor: Looking back, this was ironic to me because  I was bullied for being a “rich girl” because my grandparents had money even though my parents did not. I didn’t live in the best part of town and the house I grew up in wasn’t the biggest. We were poor and we struggled, but my mom always went to great lengths to make sure that no one realized it. I ate a lot of ramen noodles, cheap lunch meat, and spaghetti growing up because we didn’t have a lot of money. The poor nutrition just compounded my weight problem.
• I was socially awkward: This was a struggle I kept hidden struggled with. If you met me in person, you might question how I could struggle socially. My mother was the most social person anyone knew, and I was in every club/sport imaginable growing up how could I possibly be socially awkward? It is one of those things I was taught to overcome or hide. My natural tendency when I walk into a room is to avoid eye contact and hide in the corner so no one will notice or speak to me. My mom refused to let me give in to those tendencies. I was taught to speak first and look people in the eye. The eye contact thing still eludes me – being social and speaking to people is a constant struggle for me. As an adult, I was diagnosed with a mild form of autism which could explain my social struggles.
• Weird stuff always seemed to happen: I used to think the world was punishing me. For example, if I bought a shirt that I felt was expensive, I would accidentally catch it on something and ruin it the very next day, or if I wore white, I always spilled something on my shirt. If I got too attached to some object, I always ended up breaking it or losing it. The list could go on and on.

Rough fate.  Was it my last name? Fate is defined as the development of events beyond a person’s control. Fate and luck aren’t the same things. I could say that my last name is the reason that I’ve had to struggle in certain aspects of my life, but it isn’t. Just because one of my ancestors had a rough fate and the name was passed down for generations, that doesn’t mean that it’s my fate. 

Over the years, I’ve learned not to be so short-sighted. Those that seemed to “have it all” often really don’t. I learned that some of them thought that I “had it all” when I was barely keeping it together myself. As a society, we are too quick to judge and too short-sighted to see past our internal struggles. Why would anyone pick “rough fate” to be their last name? It’s just a reminder to live every day with intention. Once I got past blaming life circumstances on my struggles, I was able to begin living a happier, open-minded life that didn’t dwell on why things are wrong but focused on why things are right.

I want to hear from my readers. Have you ever felt “behind the clock?” Do you have any funny “behind the clock” stories? Let’s continue the conversation in our Facebook group: MMC Chat.

My favorite links for researching Genealogy:

Surname Database

Ancestry

Forebears