When They Don’t Need You Anymore

Do I miss my kids’ school years? Not really, but when everyone starts talking about “back-to-school” season, I have a little pang of nostalgia for that time in my children’s lives. Mostly, I think it is because of the connections I made with other parents whom I no longer see, and also because I no longer have unlimited access to their lives. The time I spent as a room-mom, field trip chaperone, party planner, booster club president, and scout leader was time I got to spend with Christen and Steven. It’s a time I will always treasure, and I’ve always felt a little sad for parents who don’t get to experience it.

Being the parent of grown children is just as hard as raising them during those school years, but for a different set of reasons. Letting them go to build their own lives and find their own way is something many parents struggle with long after they’ve graduated high school or even college. Mark and I always took great pride in the fact that we raised our children to be independent. Mark often said his most significant task as a parent was to make himself “obsolete.” It’s true. We want our kids to grow up as confident, self-sufficient, and responsible human beings who don’t really need us. But what happens when we still need them?

A parent’s life changes drastically as soon as their child heads off to college or moves out. Some of the changes are subtle, but many have lifelong consequences. When my youngest moved off to college, I suddenly had lots of time on my hands. I had spent a good part of his school years volunteering in any capacity I could. I was a stay-at-home mom, and it was through this role that I learned to make friends in a new city where I knew no one. But then, he was gone, and the things that filled most of my time were gone, too. Mark had it a lot harder. He missed his buddy and his initial reason for becoming a Boy Scout Leader. Even though we were missing the same person, our responses to the loss were very different.  Luckily, I became involved in a mother’s club at Steven’s school, and it helped fill that gap because I could meet new parents and make new friends. I also started a business that kept me busy at least part-time. Mark decided to stick with the Boy Scouts and maintained his position as Scoutmaster for 8 years before stepping into an Assistant Scoutmaster position to let someone else take the reins. He remained active in the troop until shortly before he passed. I think the other boys were, in some ways, a substitute. 

Other changes included cooking for fewer people, having to reallocate the chores that Steven was responsible for, and discovering that there’s no one to make that last-minute run to the store for milk when you run out. Even the dog was sad – her play buddy was gone. 

It’s no wonder some parents have a hard time letting go. Change is scary. There is a very real fear that something might happen to them if we aren’t there to protect them. Or that in setting them free, they may pull away completely and never come back. 

Luckily for most parents, time heals, and you get used to new routines. New hobbies find time to be explored, and you are grateful that life has become a bit more consistent…more relaxed. You might even find a routine through which you get to spend time with your kids, either individually or as a family. You appreciate your children in different ways. You connect as adults. Your bonds might even strengthen. And then things start to change again.

As you age and your social life slows, those connections to your children change, deepen, and become vital to your well-being, especially in the face of grief and loss. I’ve talked about grief and loss a lot lately because I live it every single day. I’ve also spent a good deal of time talking and writing about COVID and how it upended our lives. Talk about anxiety! But losing my husband, Mark, 18 months ago, was the single-most impactful event of my life since the birth of my children. Not only did I go from having too many people in the house who were always underfoot to being virtually alone, but I lost my best friend, confidant, helpmate, and biggest supporter. I lost my person, and that’s about as alone as you can get. There is no one to get that thing off the top shelf or go up in the attic to get that box you stored there. There is no one to open the lid that you can’t get off the jar or to give you a ride to pick up your car from the mechanic. There’s no one to hold your hand before you have surgery or to tend to you when you are sick.

So, yes, you start to miss those days of yore when your kids were at home and you could call on them for help. You miss the days when you could invite them out for a banana split to celebrate a little win at work. You miss knowing that they will be there when you need them…because you do need them. After all, they are the ones who are supposed to love and take care of you as you grow older and need more help, just as you did for them when they were young and unable to care for themselves. And for many of us, they are the only family we have left. In a very real sense, they are all you have. 

I miss my kids needing me. I miss being an everyday part of their lives. I don’t like depending on them for things because I know they have busy lives and many responsibilities. But I need them just the same, and I hope that, maybe just a little bit, they still need me, too.

Making Decisions in Times of Loss

Sometimes, it can be hard to think. That’s one of the problems of grief and loss – it affects your ability to make sound decisions. It makes you second-guess yourself. It creates an endless cycle of self-doubt, anxiety, and confusion. Some people combat the cycle by making rash decisions without thinking them through. They go for the quick-fix, feel-good option that will mask all the feelings they are trying to avoid. I’ve seen it so many times with friends who got divorced or lost a loved one. They jump right back into the frying pan of another relationship (often a bad one) without taking the time to heal from the previous loss. That inability to make sound decisions is why the grieving are often counseled to make no big changes in their lives for 6 months or even a year. So why are so many women so eager to jump right back into dating or to change everything about themselves when they get divorced?

As a widow, I’ve been very slow to make any changes around my home or in my life. I don’t trust my instincts right now because the brain fog of grief makes it hard to think things through. I understand my limitations, and I accept them. Very little is so important that it can’t wait until I can think more clearly. Yes, I’ve had to deal with a few unexpected things, like the decision to replace three dilapidated sheds with a new one, and several costly home repairs that couldn’t be avoided. Still, all in all, I have avoided making any big changes in my life. Even though I’ve wanted to buy a new car for several years, I decided to put it off for the time being, setting certain criteria that must be met before I would allow myself to even think about buying one. I haven’t even allowed myself to try a new hair color or style, much less contemplate redecorating or going out on a date.

An article in Psychology Today explains why anxiety and depression interfere with our ability to make sound decisions. It suggests that people who experience anxiety and depression are less likely to use reflective thinking processes in their decision-making and that, in the absence of sufficient information, they do not seek out more information in order to make a sound decision. This seems to track with my experience of seeing friends and family members jump from one poor relationship right into a new one with barely a pause in between. Those rebound relationships rarely work out, and even when they do, they still haven’t dealt with the failures of the first relationship, which may come back to haunt them down the road. It is important to take the time to feel all the feels without trying to mask them with the latest bright and shiny new thing.

Jill Cohen, a grief counselor in New York City, gives these examples of the types of decisions that should not be made within a year of a loss on her website:

• Getting rid of keepsakes, mementos, photos, clothes, and collectibles. 

• Changing jobs. 

• Moving.

• Financial Decisions

• Other life decisions like having a baby, not having a baby, getting married, getting divorced, retiring, or making major investments.  

Whether you are dealing with the loss of a loved one or are going through a divorce, the grief you are experiencing can and does affect your ability to make decisions. Obviously, some decisions are unavoidable, like the necessity of moving after a divorce. Still, if you are faced with decisions during these critical times in your life, your best option is to get help and perspective in the process. Talk it over with a counselor, get the opinion of trusted friends and family, listen to their advice, and take care of yourself. Grief is hard enough without adding more stress and drama to the mix. Let things just be for the moment. Don’t look outside yourself for happiness and fulfillment; search for it within. Give yourself grace and choose not to decide. You’ll be glad you did.