Over the last 6 months, Amber, Christen, and I have shared quite a bit about our personal lives, our struggles with depression, ADHD, OCD, dementia, and familial tendencies toward mental illness. We’ve each had various experiences that have affected us deeply. I think that’s why mental illness is such an important topic here at Modern Musings, and why we’re talking about it this week. I know the topic is certainly at the top of my list, having lived with my own struggles for many years. However, mental illness takes on a whole new level of complexity when a parent is dealing with their child’s issues of mental illness, and while we can exert a bit of control over our youngsters, we are pretty much helpless as we watch the suffering of our adult children. It’s painful in ways that dim our own challenges, and it stabs at the core of our competence as a parent. But, what can we do?
I have often blamed myself for the struggles of my children. Did I pass on that gene? Was it something I did, or some failing of mine as a parent? Was there something I could have done to prevent it? Did I miss the signs? These are but a few of the questions a parent asks when their child is dealing with ADHD, depression, addiction, or any number of other mental health diagnoses. And we never stop asking those questions.
The other big question we ask is, “What can I do to help?” The answer is not as simple as one might think. Once your child is an adult, you don’t have much input into their treatment, and unless your child consents to release medical information, you are, by law, excluded from getting any information from their doctors. This is why maintaining a good relationship and open communication with your child is extremely important. Constantly checking in and checking up on our children can feel like smothering. The advice can feel like demands or even disappointment. You might need to adjust your thinking, too. Your dreams and expectations for your child may need to change in light of a mental health diagnosis. The brilliant student bound for college might take longer to reach that goal or may change plans altogether. The key is to show your adult child that you love them, accept them, and support them while acknowledging that they are an adult and it’s up to them to get the help they need.
I think one of the hardest things I’ve ever done is to sit back and watch my children suffer through many of the same mental health issues that have plagued me my whole life. It’s excruciatingly painful to know that I am powerless to fix it. But I think the part that is hardest to accept is when that child doesn’t get the help they need. It’s almost like watching them bleed out from a severed arm but you’re not allowed to stop the bleeding. Like any parent, I am full of all kinds of advice, and I want to do everything I can to make my family happy, well, and whole. If it was okay to do so, I would load them up in the car and drive them to the doctor myself! I’ve seen too many families torn apart by homelessness, abuse, addiction, and suicide. I can’t bear the thought of that happening to my children. So, you can bet that if I think they are going to hurt themselves or someone else, I will not hesitate to step in and do just that!
According to the National Alliance on Mental Health:
1 in 5 adults in the U.S. experiences mental illness in a given year.
Annually, 1 in 25 adults in the U.S. experiences a serious mental illness that substantially interferes with or limits major life activities.
50% of mental illness begins by age 14, and three-quarters begins by age 24.
The average delay between symptom onset and treatment is 11 years
18% of U.S. adults with mental illness also have a substance use disorder
21% of people experiencing homelessness also have a serious mental illness
46% of people who die by suicide have a diagnosed mental health condition
Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for people ages 10-34
Only 41% of adults in the U.S. with a mental health condition received mental health services in the past year.
Here are some tips for dealing with your adult child with a mental health diagnosis:
Early intervention can help reduce the severity of an illness.
Use “I” statements so you don’t alienate them: “When I hear you talking about how unhappy you are, I feel worried. I think talking to someone about how you are feeling would be very helpful.”
Stop the power struggles: Listen, really listen, without judgment or correction
Let them know you are there for them
Remove the stigma of mental health issues
Be willing to share your own issues – it helps them to know they aren’t alone
Set boundaries: Neither of you should tolerate physical or verbal abuse. No cursing, hitting, or threats
Encourage them to get help
Find support for yourself
Develop a crisis plan in case of emergency: Collect contact information for:
The nearest hospital
The crisis hotlines
The nearest police department
Family and friends
Any treatment providers
Have your child sign a medical release form so you can be involved if they suffer a significant episode.
If your child’s behavior is unsafe, or if they talk about wanting to hurt themselves or someone else – do not hesitate to intervene! You might just save a life!
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/warning-signs-of-mental-illness
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