What Makes a Garden Grow?

I do not call myself a gardener. I used to, but that was before I had a travel agency, a podcast, and a house in a part of the country known for 100° days for weeks or even months at a time. I used to love digging in the dirt, planting flowers, training vines to grow up trellises, deadheading flowers to encourage more blooms, and cutting fresh herbs to use in my cooking. I used to take great pride in the corn, pumpkins, and beans I had grown in a small corner of my yard. I spent hours watering, cultivating, and finally harvesting my tiny little crops of goodness. I think about those days longingly, but then I look at the pile of paperwork on my desk, and the multitude of emails in my inbox, and I am sad. Sad that I am no longer a gardener. 

The change was very gradual.  Right up to the first spring of the pandemic, I had been the person in our household who cleaned out the flower beds and set out new plantings each spring. I was the one who pulled the stray weeds in the yard and in the cracks of the sidewalk. I hadn’t mowed the yard in years; that task had been taken over by my husband when we moved to this house in 2007. He was aided in that task by our teenage son until he eventually gave up that task to a lawn service.  But even then, I still had a few herbs growing here and there: a rosemary bush that I had replanted at least 3 times before it took off; a little basil in a sunny spot, and, of course, several varieties of mint here and there. 

After the lawn, the herbs were the first to go. I couldn’t keep up with the rosemary. It grew so fast once it took hold that it quickly took over half the flower bed. We’d harvest what we needed, but the plant became a woody shrub that the bunnies loved to hide in. Then we had a big freeze and it died off. I haven’t had the heart to replant it. The basil went much faster, as did the cilantro. It was much too warm here, and the bugs and bunnies got most of it. The mint is still there, in a few places. It doesn’t really get enough sun, and the dog keeps digging in those beds, so there’s only a little sprig of it here and there.

When COVID started, I had my mother here with me. She took up a lot of my time. And when I wasn’t tending to her, I was trying (mostly in vain) to run my little travel agency and keep up with the work and my taxes amidst the distraction of too many people in the house all day because of lock-down. Hubby, who was bored because he had no work, took it upon himself to clean out the flower beds one day and plant some lovely flowers. I was grateful, because it was one more thing on my list of to-do items that I just didn’t have time for. I didn’t even realize at the time how much I missed it, but then the next year, I didn’t have time, nor then next, and suddenly I realized I hadn’t tended my garden in a very long time. And sadly, I wasn’t even motivated to do it at all. Now, I think about gardening, and it’s like some abstract thought of something I “should” want to do, but I kind of really don’t.

I see this happen a lot. Heck, it’s happened to me a lot. I have a hobby I love. I love it so much I do it all the time. I just can’t get enough of it. And then something happens and I can’t do it for a while. And then I can’t get back in the groove. Then I don’t want to get back in the groove. Or do I? Most of the time, I can’t bring myself to admit that I don’t like it any more. I just keep promising myself that I’ll start again. Soon. That’s what I tell myself. Soon.

It happened with crocheting. I crocheted so many afghans, pillows, scarves, sweaters, and pot holders. I was part of an online group that chatted about crocheting every day.  And then I got busy and quit crocheting as much. Suddenly, I realized I hadn’t crocheted anything in years. I picked up a hook and some yarn, and somehow it just wasn’t as satisfying as it had been before, and I really didn’t enjoy it as I used to. But I couldn’t get rid of my yarn and my hooks. Yes, I culled the stash quite a bit, but I haven’t been able to convince myself that my love of crochet is gone. I might still want to do it someday, right? 

And that’s the way it is with gardening. I want to garden, but really I just want to want to garden. It’s as if I could will myself to have the desire to garden if I think about it long enough. If I keep imagining all the pretty flowers I could grow or the vegetables I could harvest, then I’ll be motivated to get out there and do it. If I keep holding onto those crochet hooks and yarn long enough I might decide to crochet again. But let’s get real – you can’t will yourself to want something if you don’t already want it.

And that’s the trouble with a lot of goals and intentions. We all tend to choose goals that we think we should choose, and not necessarily the goals that we really already have. You can’t make yourself lose weight by telling yourself that you want to lose weight. You can’t save money for an emergency fund by telling yourself that you should save money. You have to already want those things before you can make it your goal. So stop making things that you “should” do your goals. Make your goals the things that you already want.

This month, we are entering the second quarter of the year, and if you set goals in January, you’ve had three months to figure out if those goals are working for you. In previous years, we would have called it a “goals refresh”. That’s when we look at our progress, decide if our goals accurately reflect what we truly desire, and whether the steps we are taking are the right steps. How are your goals looking to you? Are your goals the things you really want, or are you like me? Did you choose goals that you thought you “should” choose and now you’re struggling to make them happen? Are you telling yourself that you want a certain goal because it was something you didn’t finish last year? Or has it been on your list of things to do for a long time and you are just now getting to it? As you reassess your goals, ask yourself, “Is this still meaningful to me? Is this something I still want? Do I really want it, or am I just trying to convince myself that I should?”

I’ve decided my garden can wait. Someday, I may choose to go back to my garden, and when I do, it will be because I want that more than I want anything else. When that happens, I will be in that moment, loving my garden and all the time I spend in it. I won’t have to tell myself that I “should” garden and I won’t have to struggle to find the time for it because it will be the thing that I most want to do. Right now, what I truly want is more time with my family. More time with my art. More time writing, crafting, and creating. So, those are the goals I am setting right now because those are the only goals that make sense. They are the only goals that I will actually follow through on, and they are the only goals that really matter. That’s the garden I’m growing. What about you?

How’s your garden growing? Do you have old hobbies, tasks, and items on your to-do list that you can never seem to get to but feel like you should? What would happen if you just decided you don’t want to do it anymore? Tell us about it in the comments below, or start a conversation on our MMC Chat group.

It's All About the Name

 

Have you ever felt like your computer (or your phone) was spying on you? Capturing bits of information from your in-person conversations and then presenting it to you via some curated advertisement that seems just a bit too coincidental? I don’t want to go off on a whole rampage about that particular invasion of privacy – that’s a whole topic for the podcast someday (I mean, we all know they do it, right?), but it just happened to me on Pinterest, and it gave me a topic for this blog I’m trying to write.

Our topic for this week is grimoires and why people might use them. I think we covered a lot of material in the podcast yesterday, and I really don’t know that I have a lot to add to that discussion except to say that it is what you make of it. To each, his own, so to speak. But as I was pondering what in the heck I could write about that might be of interest, I flipped through my emails and got a pin recommendation from Pinterest that surprised me because it was not related to the other pins in the email, and because, just last night, I was editing the podcast on this very topic – grimoires. Weird, right? 

You can see the pin here.

What intrigued me about this pin was the notion of a “Book of Mirrors”, which is quite interesting to me. It sort of reminds me of several of my projects and journals, but most particularly, it made me think of my One Little Word project because that is exactly what One Little Word is all about: insight, wisdom, awareness, self-growth, self-discovery, experience, inspiration, and growth. And while I normally equate my OLW project with a sort-of self-help psychology, this concept of a book of mirrors puts it squarely into the metaphysical realm. Because, if getting truly in touch with your inner self isn’t metaphysical, then I don’t know what is. And what is a collection of metaphysical studies kept in a book? A “Grimoire” or a “Book of Shadows.” 

I already mentioned in the podcast that I don’t really care for the name “Book of Shadows” because it conjures up a lot of negative connotations for me. As a fledgling metaphysicist (or would that be a metaphysician?) who happens to also be a Christian, I consider myself to be a “Light Worker” – someone dedicated to bringing light into this world and to help others. Keeping a “Book of Shadows” just doesn’t seem to align with that, does it? But a “Book of Mirrors” ...that’s something I could get behind, even if it’s more about helping myself than helping others.

Think about it…a light worker’s calling is to shed light on the world, to illuminate the dark places, and to reflect the light they see in others. Like a mirror. Shining a light on the darkness. Helping others see the beauty in themselves. Mirrors are powerful. Mirrors allow telescopes to see the stars that are invisible to the naked eye. Mirrors help lighthouses focus their light out to sea to guide ships passing in the night. Mirrors allow us to see ourselves clearly as we truly are. Sometimes we even use mirrors symbolically when we describe how we project our own feelings onto others (and that’s a bit of shadow work).

Yes, I think some of my projects like One Little Word are in essence a “Book of Mirrors” because as part of that project, I gain insight and wisdom about myself. I am inspired by the other participants who share their growth and experiences. And in many ways, I hope that sharing that project with others, which I do via my Instagram and Facebook profiles as well as in the One Little Word Facebook group, will help others, too. And in many ways, it’s what this blog and our Modern Musings podcast is all about, too. 

But then I’m still left with what to call my collection of recipes, herbs, crystals, affirmations, healing, and prayers. I don’t want to reference shadows. “Grimoire” doesn’t fit, either, because it’s far too “witchy” for my taste, and I feel more like a healer than a witch, per se. So as I mentioned in the podcast, using a grimoire always comes down to intention. And since my intention is not tied up in darkness or shadows, and grimoire doesn’t have the right vibe, I need another name for it. So when I think about my intentions and I think about my One Little Word, I have my answer – Light. As a lightworker, my grimoire, my grammarie, the book that holds all my knowledge and expertise, should be called my “Book of Light”. Plain and simple. And that feels right.

What about you? Do you have a grimoire or Book of Shadows? Do any of the names of these books have a certain vibe for you? Tell us about it in the comments below, or join us on our Facebook Group, MMC Chat.

Cindy's Favorite Aromatherapy Combos

 

Cindy here! As I mentioned on the podcast this week, I like to use aromatherapy to help me focus while I'm working. I also use it to relax and chill out when my day gets a little hectic. I use all pure essential oils and distilled water (usually an appropriate "moon" water) in a diffuser. Here are a few of my favorite scent combos:

For focus:

• 2 drops lemon, 2 drops rosemary, 3 drops of peppermint

• 2 drops peppermint, 1 drop spearmint, 3 drops lemon, 3 drops rosemary

Other great oils for focus include: lavender, frankincense, basil, lemongrass, and sweet orange

For relaxing/spa-like vibes:

• 2 drops eucalyptus, 2 drops spearmint

Other great oils for relaxing include: lavender, bergamot, lemon, and jasmine

Heard it on the Podcast - April 5, 2023

   

Did you miss a link we mentioned on the podcast? Here's a quick post we do most Wednesdays to share any links or information from the podcast. We'll also keep a running post on the "Links from the Podcast" tab so you can refer back to any previous episode. Here's the links for this week:

5-APR-2023

S3E14: What is a Grimoire?

• Grimoire origin: Wikipedia
• Podcast: What is Shadow Work
• Christen's Scentsy Page:  Christenhessler.scentsy.us
• Some of Cindy's favorite scents for aromatherapy:  Blog post
• Richard Webster:  "Write Your Own Magic: Power in Your Words"
• Bujo grimoire example:  Windvexer's Grimoire
• Tul Planners: Office Depot
• Happy Planners:  HappyPlanner.com
• Podcast: Managing Migraines Holistically
• Podcast: Manifesting
• Enneagram:  Forbes
• Numerology:  Wikipedia
• Scripting: A blog post by Cindy
• Positive Affirmations, 3 blog posts:
• See, Think, Believe, Do, Be
• 5 Ways to Manifest Your Best Life
• Happy St. Patrick's Day: A List of Positive Affirmations

Errata:

In the podcast, Cindy mentioned a "key" at the beginning of her BUJO. What she meant to say was "an index".

For the record, Amber did say "Astronomy", not "Astrology"

The Comfort in Lies

 

I hope you listened to the podcast this week, as Amber, Christen, and I discussed the book “Girl Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are So You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be” by Rachel Hollis. I haven’t read the book (yet), but from our discussion, I feel like I should. I’m particularly drawn to the concept of the “lies” (or stories) we tell ourselves, something that has been mentioned by Brené Brown and has featured prominently in several prompts and lessons by Ali Edwards in her “One Little Word” class.  Having participated in that class for several years now, I’ve been faced with this prompt multiple times, and each time, I come to the realization that I’m still telling myself some of those same lies and stories, even though I’ve clearly identified them and promised myself to stop. Why is that?

In short, because it’s easy. It’s a cop-out. Change is hard. Learning new habits is hard. Rewriting the script that you tell yourself daily is hard. 

Think about your name. You’ve lived with your name your whole life. It’s part of who you are. If you hear your name, you respond. You don’t even have to think about it, right? Now imagine that you had to change your name…that no one used the name you’ve grown up with, and suddenly everyone insists on calling you a new name - one you’ve never used before. How long do you think it will take you to instinctively respond to that new name? And how long before you stop thinking of yourself as your old name? I can tell you that if I hear “Mom” in a grocery store, I turn my head to look, even if none of my kids are with me. I react the same when I hear “Cindy”, no matter who says it. I’m pretty sure I always will. They have both become ingrained in my psyche. But it wasn’t always so.

A new mother doesn’t respond to the name “Mom” right away. It takes time. It takes hearing her children say it over and over again. She has to learn to feel like a mom. She has to become Mom. She has to let go of the name that everyone else calls her by, even if it’s just a little. Eventually, she becomes comfortable with that new name…Mom.

So how does that relate to these lies and stories we tell ourselves? Well, they’re like our name. They’re a label we’ve tagged ourselves with, and, whether we realize it or not, we repeat it day after day. It’s stuck there. It’s what we identify with. In order to stop identifying with those labels, lies, and stories, we actually have to do something about it. We have to rewrite the script. We have to call ourselves something different – tell ourselves a new story…tell ourselves a truth that we repeat over and over until we believe it. Until we know it in our hearts. Until that new story replaces the old story…the lie we’ve told ourselves for so long.

Often we are comfortable with the lies we tell ourselves. “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll start tomorrow” make great excuses for our failures. It gives us something to blame when things go wrong. So we try to succeed, and then when things get hard, we can fall back on these lies and stories because it’s easier to give in than to keep pushing forward. It’s like that old pair of shoes that you just can’t throw out because they are so comfortable, even though they’re scuffed and worn. A new pair of shoes would hurt and need to be broken in. A new pair of shoes might leave a blister. The excuses go on and on.

As I’m looking back through my One Little Word, I see all the lies I’ve told myself. Many of them are the same lies that Rachel Hollis names in her book. I’ve battled with many of these lies for years. We’ve even talked about some of them right here on the blog and on the podcast. For instance, her Lie #1 “Something else will make me happy” was the topic of a blog post I made back in September titled, “Happiness from the Inside,” in which I detailed my lifelong search for happiness. Likewise, many of our Eckhardt Tolle podcasts and my blog “Resistance is Futile” talk about acceptance and gratitude as a source of happiness. 

Sometimes the lies we tell ourselves are just repeats of the lies other people have told us. One of the biggest lies we tell ourselves, and one that I talk about a lot, is Lie # 12 - “I need to make myself smaller”. How many of us have been told “you cry too much”, “you’re too needy”, “you’re too emotional,” or even “you’re too loud?” We believe it because others tell us so. People we trust. People we love. 

One of the things I’ve come to realize is that you have to ask yourself, “Who told you that?”  Do they have some ulterior motive? What do they have to gain when you make yourself smaller? When you hide who you really are? Have you heard of “toxic positivity?” As if being positive is somehow wrong or too much? Is it real? Are you being authentic? When someone asks you to turn it down, is it because they are not authentic themselves? Are they threatened in some way by your strength? Don’t let other people dictate how you feel, how you act, or what you need.

If you are sad, be sad. If you are happy, be happy. If you need something, say so. You do not have to disappear into the woodwork to fit in. You should never dim your light to fit in with what other people expect of you. Be yourself. Be authentic. Shine your light big and bold and bright for the whole world to see. 

It took me a long time to learn this. I spent many years trying to fit in with the “popular” girls and the PTA moms. And I was lonely. Because it wasn’t me. When I finally let my light shine…when I finally allowed myself to be who I really am, then my tribe found me. The people who get me. The people who are the same kind of weird as me. It was hard at first. In fact, if you listen to early episodes of this podcast and read some of those early blogs, you might notice a difference in how all three of us have opened up and become more of ourselves. It was hard, but we are better for it, and I feel like that’s one lie that I’ve definitely put aside. Now I just need to keep working on the rest of them.

Heard it on the Podcast - March 29, 2023

  

Did you miss a link we mentioned on the podcast? Here's a quick post we do most Wednesdays to share any links or information from the podcast. We'll also keep a running post on the "Links from the Podcast" tab so you can refer back to any previous episode. Here's the links for this week:

29-MAR-2023

S3E13: Girl, Wash Your Face

The book we are discussing this week is:

“Girl, Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are So You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be”

I'll Do it Tomorrow

I have a confession to make. I’m a liar. I lie to myself a lot. The biggest lie that I tell myself is that I will do it tomorrow. I’m going to do a lot of things tomorrow, you see, that’s how I ended up writing this blog at the last minute because I thrive on procrastination. I can plan and plan and plan to do things, but it always comes down to the last minute – especially when it comes to my personal life.

The lie, “I’ll do it tomorrow,” has been a staple in my life for as long as I can remember. There are many things that I plan on doing tomorrow that I’ve been telling myself for twenty or more years in favor of doing things that are more pleasant such as relaxing, watching television, or playing on my phone.

This week on the podcast we are discussing the book “Girl, Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are So You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be” by Rachel Hollis. In the book, Hollis discusses the different lies that we tell ourselves. In the end, Hollis says, there is one truth and that is “you, and only you, are ultimately responsible for who you become and how happy you are.” This is probably my favorite statement in the whole book and it’s right on the first page. As someone that chased “happiness” for years, not realizing that I was chasing the wrong thing, I would often put the blame on external factors and not on myself. “I would be happy if…” or, “I can’t get this done until I accomplish this” and so on and so forth.

So, the takeaway is: take responsibility for…everything! I’m still working on this. The “if” and “can’t” factor is a huge hurdle that I am constantly jumping over, but personal growth doesn’t happen overnight. The message is that we are always a work in progress and we will always make mistakes, but we just have to get up, wash our faces, and live our lives to the fullest.

Here are some of the major lies that I’ve told myself over the years:

• The lie: I’ll publish tomorrow. In high school, I completed my first novel. I wrote it for a school assignment and then decided to expand it. In college, I decided to look into getting it published, and the publisher told me I needed more pages to make it truly a full-length novel. So, I began the editing and expanding process and I have been doing it for twenty years now. I keep telling myself that I will look into self-publishing my novel when I have time to sit down and write. Every year, I try to push myself to complete the process, but I continue to hold myself back. I could give a bunch of excuses why I haven’t published one of my novels or stories such as “time” or “work,” but it’s a lie. I have been holding myself back from publishing my work.
• The lie: I’ll diet tomorrow. This is a big one. I struggle a lot with my weight to the point that I have to be vigilant about what I put in my mouth. My biggest struggle lately is that due to depression and other external factors, I have been off the rails with my diet for the last year. It seems that I will take one step forward to lowering my cholesterol and eating healthier, and one huge step back if I give in to temptation and eat something fried or sweet. I tell myself that yes, I messed up today, but I will start dieting tomorrow. So far, I am only kidding myself.
• The lie: I’ll go to the doctor tomorrow. This lie piggybacks onto the dieting lie. I recently went to the doctor after months of putting it off. I don’t like visiting doctors much, and it always seems like as soon as I find a doctor I like, they move or they quit practicing. Back in August, my insurance company sent word that I would have to find another primary care doctor and, of course, I put it off in favor of doing something else. This was something that my parents struggled with as well – going to the doctor and getting checked out. I can make a list of all the things I hate about visiting the doctor, but I won’t because those are just excuses, action is the only thing that will benefit me in the long run.
• The lie: I’ll deal with my grief tomorrow. My father died in 2017, and my mother died fifteen months later. Since then, I have been running from dealing with my grief and the storage units containing my parents’ belongings. In the back of my mind, I thought that if I put off dealing with their things and my grief that it would go away, but here I am, almost six years later, trying to get up enough courage to open my storage lockers and begin the process of cataloging everything. Many times I have been told that I should be “over it” by now – the death of my parents. This has mostly been told to me by people that still have living parents. I don’t think you ever get over a loss that heavy, but I do know that I can deal with it better than I have been, such as seeking help or talking to someone. I just have to stop telling myself that I will set up an appointment “tomorrow.”
• The lie: I’ll clean the house tomorrow. I have a junk table in my house. It’s a table sitting by the door that I set stuff on as I walk in the front door with the intention of coming back and taking it to its proper place. Most of the time I set stuff on that table and forget about it. Months will go by, and it will still be sitting on that table by the door. Dust will start to collect on that object until, suddenly, it has been there for a year and I pick it up and wonder why it even exists. Most recently, I picked up an unopened envelope from that very table and realized that it was sent to me in mid-November and it is now March. I have lived in my apartment for almost two years, and I guarantee you that I have only cleaned the floors twice in my kitchen. So, I make these grand plans to clean one little thing when I come home from work and then tell myself that I will do it tomorrow because I am too tired today. It’s a vicious cycle that needs to end.

One of my favorite Shakespeare speeches from the play “Macbeth” began with the repetition of the word “tomorrow” and talks about how men put things off until tomorrow until they have no more tomorrows left, only the memory of broken promises. As I write this blog I am reminded that tomorrow is not guaranteed, so we need to start today, and that is the point of getting past the lies we’ve been told (or tell ourselves), so we can become who we are meant to be.

I want to hear from our readers. What lies do you tell yourself? Have you read the book? What did you think? Comment below! 

What Your Mother Never Told You

Have you been listening to our podcasts? This week is a little bit different, and I’m hoping it will be both enlightening and helpful. Although we often refer to “Goals, Girl” and other female-centric topics, I’m pretty sure this is the first one dedicated to a purely female topic. It’s also very personal for all three of us, as we share some health histories and other information about periods, menopause, and women’s health. And while we aren’t especially graphic, there are a few delicate topics that might not be suitable for all ages, so have a listen before sharing with your younger daughters. As for the guys out there listening, we hope this will help you understand some things a little better, and if not, then we’d love to hear from you! Now, on to some helpful menopause tips….

We’ve all heard about hot flashes during menopause, but did you know that they can start as early as your mid-30s? And while some sources say they last anywhere from six months to two years, some women experience them for a great deal longer. When I first started having hot flashes, I thought I was going through some kind of spontaneous combustion, and I was sure that I was about to burst into a ball of flames. Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and the aromatase inhibitor my doctors put me on to block my estrogen production made the hot flashes even worse. I lived with those hot flashes for almost 10 years, five of them on the cancer medication, and they’ve only now begun to lessen. Luckily, I did learn a few things about hot flashes that I wanted to share with you.

1. Some foods and drugs make hot flashes worse. Some of the worst culprits are coffee, alcohol, chocolate, spicy foods, and hot foods right off the stove. Check with your pharmacist to see if any of your medications cause or add to hot flashes. There may be a better alternative that doesn’t.

2. Some women have cold flashes, too. Since estrogen helps us regulate our body temperature, the fluctuating (waning) availability in our system can cause us to be either cold or hot, sometimes one right after the other. The best solution is to dress in layers that can be easily put on or taken off. A cardigan sweater can be your best friend.

   
   

   

   Menopause shouldn't be a secret; discuss the experience with your
    friends, family, and doctor.

   
   

3. There are many natural treatments that alleviate symptoms. But check with your doctor first. Some plant-based phytoestrogens can mimic or even increase estrogen levels, which could be harmful to someone being treated for estrogen-positive breast cancer. That said, some phytoestrogens actually help decrease estrogen levels and could be beneficial to cancer patients. One over-the-counter treatment recommended by my oncologist was Relizen, a Swedish flower pollen extract sold by Bonafide.

4. Exercise and lose weight. Studies have shown that even a minimal amount of exercise can be beneficial in curbing those hot flashes and that a moderate amount of exercise combined with weight loss can sometimes help eliminate them altogether.

5. Drink plenty of water. I’ve found that having a cold glass of water on hand at the start of a hot flash can make it go away faster. Plus, it’s never a bad idea to drink more water, right?

6. Use a fan. I have desk fans, ceiling fans, and even little hand fans that I carry in my purse to whip out at dinner or on the train. A little bit of air movement helps your skin feel cooler. But be careful and don’t fan too aggressively…some suggest that all that arm movement using a hand fan might actually heat you up!

To fan or not to fan, that is the question....

Is there a cure for hot flashes? Not yet. But if you lessen the things that exacerbate them and you find some ways to stay cool in spite of them, you might just survive menopause.

Do you have hot flashes? What has worked for you? We’d love to hear about it. Share your story in the comments below or join the conversation in our Facebook Group MMC Chat.