What Did Tyra Banks Choose?

Last fall, not long after Amber, Christen, and I decided we wanted to start a blog and podcast, I turned on the TV and caught the tail end of a local morning show interviewing Tyra Banks. The show was mostly background noise while I got squared away to do some work at my desk, but something the supermodel said caught my attention, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. The hostess asked the busy mom what her biggest challenge was, and Banks answered that some days it came down to a decision between whether to brush her teeth or take a shower. Now I don’t recall if that’s exactly what she said, and, honestly, I couldn’t even tell you what show she was on or even what station it was. The only thing that stuck with me was the concept of being so busy, so overcommitted, overburdened, and inundated with obligations that you don’t even have time for proper grooming. I’ve been there, and I bet just about every working mom in America (maybe the world) has been there (or something akin to it), too.

Rather than get off into a diatribe about why women seem to feel like we have to prove our worth by taking on everything and then beat ourselves up over it when we think we’ve failed (that is a whole episode of its own, girlfriend!), I want to talk about how we can stop this self-immolating behavior and bring a more realistic balance into our lives.

• Set boundaries and KEEP them! Others will stop expecting you to take on the world when YOU stop expecting it of yourself. No one is perfect, and forgetting to pay a bill or serving dinner an hour late does not make you a failure. Know what your limits are, and don’t let others push you beyond them. 

• Learn to say “NO!” and mean it. No means no. So when the PTA asks you if you can host the teacher luncheon at the last minute, do not let them pressure you into doing it. You are not their last and only hope. All those other people turned them down for a reason – they set boundaries and kept them. Say “no”, my friend, and don’t feel guilty about it at all. Your kids’ education will not suffer because you don’t have time to order catering.

• Use an Eisenhower matrix. Remember that Eisenhower matrix we keep talking about? List out your tasks and responsibilities (all of them!) based on whether they are urgent/not urgent and important/not important. Schedule anything important that you can postpone and then DELEGATE anything you can delegate – get it OFF your plate. That includes everything that falls into the “not important” category, leaving only the urgent and important tasks for you to tackle. Use the matrix DAILY if needed.

• Get realistic about what you CAN actually do. My therapist once asked me to make a timeline to prove to myself that my expectations were unreasonable. By writing out all the things that needed to happen and assigning time to accomplish them, I could see that I had taken on too much. I bet you will, too. Make a timeline and DOUBLE the time it takes to do each task. Yes, double. Tasks almost always take more time than we think they will. The bonus is that if you finish the task ahead of schedule, you’ve got some nice free time.

• Did I mention boundaries? I say it again because this is one area where we often tend to forget the rules. Remind yourself and remind your family, set expectations for their contributions, and hold them to the boundaries you have set.

• Create “ME” time for self-care. You should never have to choose between things that are necessary to your health -  they are your FIRST priority, before any of those other obligations. You cannot take care of others if you are falling apart yourself.

• Ask for help! Just because a task is YOUR responsibility does NOT mean you have to take it on alone. Running behind making dinner? Get your spouse or kids to lend a hand. Work has you stressed out? Maybe a coworker can pitch in to help you get caught up or can give you some tips on how to stay on top of things. Ask your child to alphabetize your filing or open the mail. Get your partner to help you make the bed or dry the dishes. Many hands make light work, and sometimes the act of doing those tasks together creates opportunities for communication and bonding. That’s a big win, my friend.

• Live a life of gratitude and forgiveness. Sometimes things fall through the cracks. Be gentle with yourself. None of us are perfect. Be grateful for what you have accomplished (make a list if you need to!) and forgive yourself for the rest. Tomorrow is a new day and another opportunity to start over again. 

I don’t know if Tyra Banks decided to brush her teeth or take a shower, but I don’t think that’s a decision anyone should ever have to make. This pressure that we put on ourselves to do ALL the things is not realistic, and it only hurts us in the end. We don’t have to be a perfect mom to be a GREAT mom, and there’s plenty of room to give ourselves grace and a realistic sense of what we can do. So the next time you feel pressure to get it all done at the expense of your own self-care, ask yourself, “Who is expecting me to do all this, and why?” Chances are, the answer is you.

Can you relate to Tyra Banks? Have you mastered the art of juggling your obligations without sacrificing self-care? We’d love to hear about it. Share your story in the comments below or over on our MMC Chat Facebook group. 

Meeting Mr. Right and Little Miss

During the podcast this week we discussed modern dating - and more specifically online dating. I think we touched base on just about everything there is about online dating, I even disclosed that I met my husband through an online dating service. I thought I might share a little bit more about how we met and came to be.

I honestly felt like there was no other way I was going to meet a decent man, I was creeping up on the last half of my thirties and I was still single. I had to use online dating. I was not going to meet a guy solely by conducting day to day affairs or within my hobbies. I think many people can relate to that, though. There are various ways for people to get out and meet friendly singles doing the things that they love, you just gotta get out there. But statistics were not in my favor, probably 75% or more scrapbookers are women - maybe even more than that. There are just not a lot of guys into that sort of thing. I didn’t want to meet someone at a bar, because that’s not the scene I am into. And I didn’t want to join yet another club just to meet a single guy. I am thankful for the online dating community, without it – I would probably still be single. I am also thankful that the stigma of meeting someone online is starting to fall by the wayside.

I had decided that investing the money into a paid membership would yield good results. I wanted to meet someone who was willing to make that same investment, I figured that would limit my chances of being catfished. I have to admit, I had been catfished in the past, thankfully I knew better and recognized the signs early enough that my heart and wallet were not a victim of this crime, which has grown at an alarming rate in the past decade. Dating scams in general happen all over the internet, on paid dating sites as well as free ones, so keep your guard up and stay alert for anything out of the ordinary.

Travis, my husband, and I spoke back and forth on the dating website until I was comfortable sharing my contact information with him. He was never pushy to meet in person, or to get my phone number right away. That is one way that he helped create a comfortable setting to nourish our growing connection into a relationship. If you encounter someone being pushy about meeting you right away or taking the conversation offline (to your personal phone), it is a good idea to back away, pushiness is always a quick sign that the other person has ulterior motives. Most social media platforms and dating websites have an embedded communication platform that is safe to use directly on their site. You don’t have to give out your personal contact information until you are 100% comfortable with sharing it. Additionally, anyone sending illicit images or texts should also be disregarded immediately. I am a firm believer that you only get one chance to impress me (or unimpress me) in the online dating community. I don’t waste time with those who intend to harass me. I wouldn't tolerate it in real life, so why would I tolerate it virtually?

In the past I would not have dated a man with children - I had steered clear as much as possible. I was always afraid to get into a relationship that had children involved. I often saw men’s profiles mention being a parent, but not have much else to say about being a father. That was a red flag for me. I had dated a man in the past that had kept his child a secret. He had stated that it was because he did not know how I would react. Well, he got a reaction out of me that was not in his favor. I just couldn’t understand someone being a parent and not even having one thing to say about their child - all I do is talk about mine!  Travis had mentioned on his profile how he enjoyed playing video games with his daughter and he was more than willing to share details about her personality and their relationship dynamic. He was also willing to provide details about his previous marriage. It meant a great deal to me that he was willing to share so that I could understand their situation. I can understand why some people would like to keep their children private for safety reasons, but we can be quick to judge negatively when someone does not disclose that they are a parent.

After talking to Travis on the phone daily for about 2 months, we had already planned out future dates for some fun activities together. I recommend spending lots of time getting to know each other before rushing out to go on a date. Really get to know each other and then plan something fun that you will both enjoy and look forward to. It's ok to go grab dinner, but If you can think of another activity to go with it, take your time and plan it out. I knew that Travis, like myself, was into Harry Potter, so when I saw that the Fort Worth Symphony was performing Harry Potter music by my favorite modern day composer, John Williams, I knew we had to go to that together. We also planned a quick safe-space meeting prior to the “first date”. This was not an actual date, but a chance for us to meet face to face in a safe open environment for just a brief moment. Looking back, I think this was a great way to meet and have the opportunity to bail out if we decided that we did not like each other. So we met at McDonald's for a quick coffee - yes, so very romantic, I know, but let me explain. 

Some people may be against the “coffee date” because they want to be wined-and-dined. I say, get over this foolishness, once you meet the right person, then you can spend all your hard earned money on each other. People can be flakey and not very serious about dating, and their main concern is being taken out on a date, just for the free meal. That's the old way of dating, and no one should have to put up with that. People can now go on a coffee date so that they can get to know one another without all the hoopla. If you suggest a “coffee date” and they turn you down, and say that you are a cheapskate, then you might have dodged a bullet on that one. 

And on the contrary, insist on going on a date, and insist that you meet in public. Insist that you are given the effort and fine details of an actual date. Don’t settle for “Netflix and Chill” if you are looking for more than just a fling. Don’t be afraid to set your boundaries up front - anyone with decency that is willing to honor your boundaries will give you that respect. You can change the boundaries at any time – as long as you communicate those boundaries clearly. Anyone worth their word will be willing to accept your boundaries and respect you. Don’t make excuses for people who ignore or abuse your boundaries.

After meeting a few times, it was plain to see that Travis and I wanted to take things more seriously. Travis invited me to a family gathering, so that I could easily meet his daughter, without making Reyna feel uncomfortable. I was able to meet my step-daughter as well as friends and family in a large group setting which made it less awkward for me as I’m not as comfortable with one-on-one meetings. It made it more relaxing, and I could come and go as I saw fit. Then it was not long before Travis and Reyna came over to meet my family and he and Reyna fit right in. 

There are always going to be ups and downs in any relationship, but it shouldn't be complicated. If you ever find yourself making excuses for the following behaviors and there is not a reasonable explanation, then it's probably safe to say that the other person is not emotionally available for a serious relationship or it is not worth the heartache to get overly involved.

• They do not respect the boundaries you set forth.
• They failed to mention they are a parent.
• They are in between jobs.
• They have a spouse they are still living with.
• They cannot provide their own transportation.
• They insist on meeting you in person shortly after getting online.
• Their online profile is vague and generic.
• They are “out of the country on work”.
• Their lifestyle seems larger than life or too good to be true.
• They ask you to send them money - for any reason.
• They don’t want to meet in public, or insist on “Netflix and chill”.
• They still have not introduced you to their friends or family - you determine the time frame.

My story may not sound like the most epic, but in reality it was pretty epic. I would have never crossed paths with my husband, had we not met online. Through the technology of today, I met a wonderful man, who takes such good care of me and the young lady I now consider to be “our” daughter. Yes, I became a mom too - and I was not even trying! I knew what I wanted, what I didn’t want, and I set my boundaries, and didn’t accept poor behavior from those who disregarded them. I had to put my heart out there - but you have to do that regardless of whether it’s online, or, for lack of better words, traditional dating.

I’d love to know what you think about online dating and your experiences. Have you been catfished or tricked by someone online from a dating website? Did you meet the one? Be sure to leave a comment or stop by our Facebook page here to continue the conversation.