Yesterday, Christen challenged us to think about living fearlessly and what that might mean. When I look back on my life, I see countless examples of how I’ve let fear influence my decisions and prevent me from living up to my potential – from living my best life. Too often, I’ve settled for the safe bet, or I’ve stayed quiet when I should have spoken up and let my voice be heard. I gave in, gave up, and gave away my power and my trust to people who didn’t deserve it. In the end, I found myself hurt, alone, confused, and even more afraid.
Fear takes away our power. Fear informs our body and mind how we should behave. It affects our internal organs, our mental acuity, and even our immune system. If we let it, fear can dominate us in ways no other emotion or entity can. We’ve all heard of “Fight, Flight, or Freeze,” right? Recently, experts have added a fourth response, which is “fawn,” when a person resorts to becoming servile to another out of fear. I think I can honestly say I have experienced all four at one time or another, but I lean toward freeze or fawn. I freeze when I feel I am in physical danger, and I fawn over relationships with my close family. If I freeze when I hear a weird noise in the house, maybe the intruder will think I’m asleep and will leave me be – something that started when I was a child. With my family, it happens when I’m afraid of an argument – afraid that they will shut me out of their lives or turn against me if I do or say something wrong – also a trauma response from childhood. That fear, that fawning, can sometimes make me appear clingy or oversensitive. However, that same fear also has a shadow side.
According to psychotherapist Ailey Jolie, “When we don’t feel safe, we reach for control,” and that is precisely what I have done for many years. Whenever I felt insecure or afraid in one area of my life, that’s when I began to exert more control in another. Fearful that my children are drifting away from me emotionally? Let’s schedule some specific family events to make sure it doesn’t happen. Afraid of the political climate we live in? I’ll be careful about what I say and do, and prepare for the worst. And that controlling behavior doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with whatever it is we are afraid of – just being able to control something makes us feel like we’ve taken back our power. Thus, such passive-aggressive habits include binge eating, making a sudden decision to cut one’s hair short, or even just rearranging the furniture.
It’s natural to feel fear. It is a human response to a physical situation. It’s meant to protect us from danger. But as neurologically advanced beings, we have evolved to perceive additional threats that are more abstract and intangible. Our brains actually look ahead to perceive potential threats, as well as real ones. Our internal warning system starts playing a game of “what if,” and before long, our body begins reacting to those signals in the same way it does when faced with clear and present physical danger. Stress is just one of those reactions. Anxiety, panic attacks, phobias, manic behaviour, and even depression can all be triggered by those thought processes. Fear is not meant to be a constant state of hyper-vigilance. It’s designed to give us that quick, immediate notification that we need to be aware of and prepare to act on something in our environment.
Notice I said “act,” not “react.” Rather than letting that fear take over and control us, we need to learn to identify it as it happens and use our higher brain functions to determine the best response. We must face our fears with open eyes, acknowledge them, and let them go before we act. It’s challenging, but it’s definitely possible if you are mindful. Licensed therapists often use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Exposure Therapy to treat patients who are dealing with unresolved fear and other mental and emotional disturbances – the same techniques we use on ourselves when we practice self-care, shadow work, and even goal-setting. In every case, the first and most critical step in conquering our fear is identifying it. We must learn to recognize fear when it happens, and we must determine exactly what it is that we are actually afraid of – name it and claim it. Only then can we learn to put it in its proper place.
Since my husband’s passing, I’ve made a conscious effort to notice when fear is taking over. I try to ascertain (through meditation or listing) what it is I’m afraid of and why. When I find myself slipping into “control freak” mode, I try to relax and let things unfold naturally. I consider worst-case scenarios and logically decide whether it is something I need to worry about or can allow to progress. I try to remember that my children have their own lives and are going to make their own mistakes, no matter what I might do to help them avoid it, and that my trauma experiences aren’t necessarily going to play out in their lives just because it’s what happened in mine. I am learning to trust that the love we share is not being withdrawn, even when they try to exert their own control by manipulating my emotions. And, most importantly, I have to continue living my own life to the fullest, even if I feel like I am completely and utterly alone.
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