Doing Things Solo: Life After Loss

 

This week we’re talking about Geocaching, a fun outdoor game that uses GPS coordinates (and a little problem-solving) to search for hidden treasure all over the world — even in your own community. My husband, Mark, and I started geocaching in the early 2000s and it was a favorite pastime we enjoyed with our family and our BoyScout troop for many years. Sadly, our lives got busier and the kids moved away leaving us with little time or incentive to continue. We stopped our little hunting treks, but we often talked about how much fun we had, and we always promised we’d get out there and do it again “someday.” 

Since Mark’s passing last January, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the things we enjoyed doing together, and one of those things was geocaching. I kind of miss it, and I thought it might be a good way to get me out of the house to enjoy some exercise and honor his commitment to better health and enjoyment of the outdoors.  So, when we recorded the podcast for this week, I noticed there were several “caches” (pronounced ca-shez) just a short walk from my house. What better place to start?

My dog Sophie loves walks in the park, but she doesn’t get them very often these days since Mark was the one who always walked her. A quick geocache would be a great opportunity to knock out two birds with one stone — Sophie and I get our exercise, and I get a more recent story to tell for the podcast. To say I was a little underprepared would be an understatement. 

I  waited until late in the day so it wouldn’t be too hot and then I headed out the door with nothing but the dog, a bottle of water, and my phone, but before we had gone two blocks I realized that I didn’t have any doggie poo bags because they were on the other leash. Poor Sophie could not understand why I was dragging her back to the house, and by the time we got to the driveway, I was practically dragging her. Then we set off again in search of that nearby cache.

Backtracking took up just enough of our time that dusk had fallen, and by the time we got to the cache location indicated by the coordinates, it was already dark. The only flashlight I had was on my cell phone, which wasn’t very good or precise. I also wasn’t very confident in the precision of the GPS on my phone, since it took several seconds to update every time I moved. Needless to say, I could not find the cache, even though it was supposed to be relatively large (an ammo box). It was either too well-disguised and hidden to find it in the dark, or it wasn’t there anymore. After several minutes of searching, Sophie and I gave up and headed for home.

Determined not to fail at my first cache in a very long time, I decided to give it another try two days later. This time, I was better prepared and we still had plenty of daylight to see by. Sophie and I made it back to the cache rather quickly, but once again we spent several minutes searching for the ammo box, never finding it. But I wasn’t ready to give up yet. There was another cache in the same area of the park, just a few hundred feet away, so Sophie and I set out in search of that one instead.

By the time we got to the second cache location, it was starting to get dark, but the adjacent tennis courts provided ample light on the tree where the clues indicated the cache should be. The problem? I think the cache might have been up in the tree where I could neither see nor reach it without climbing. As an almost 60-year-old grandma, I can tell you there is no way that is going to happen! So I had to give up on that cache as well.  I decided I needed to locate more caches in the easy category. Maybe I’m just not as good at it as I used to be and I need to start simpler to get into the practice again.

I will say that these two caching experiences weren't as fun as they might’ve been in the company of others. The social aspect of geocaching has always been one of my favorite parts. Cooperative puzzle solving is a great team-building exercise, and I have found that multiple perspectives and life experiences aid in solving the clues and spotting the cache. I’ve tried to get other people to go with me, but no one ever seems to want to or they simply don’t have time.  

Another issue is that even things I enjoyed immensely are just not the same without my husband. I’m not sure whether it’s better to keep trying to find the balance of doing them without him or to just give up doing them altogether. Even my dog enjoyed our walks less. I’m sure it is because Mark was always the one who walked her, and he gave her free run of the leash to go where she wanted to go, whereas I had a specific destination in mind, and because of her size, I command her to walk in heel position without pulling on the leash. She wasn’t too happy about that, but she got used to it just as I supposed I will get used to doing things by myself, too.

I haven’t given up on Geocaching. I look forward to trying it another day, in the daylight with better preparation. It’ll be good for both me and the dog.

Navigating Valentine’s Day for the Recently Widowed

 

In our first season of the Modern Musings podcast, Amber, Christen, and I explored the topic of Grief During the Holidays, which we supplemented with blog posts from different perspectives. It’s been one of our most popular episodes to date, and I suppose that is because we all experience grief at some time or another and are all looking for ways to cope with it. Holidays and other special occasions are always tricky because those are often the times when the loss is most profoundly felt. Some holidays and family gatherings are easier to cope with than others because you can change your routines, celebrate differently, or even not celebrate at all. But what do you do when the deceased person is the reason you celebrate the holiday? What do you do to cope with Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, or even that person’s birthday? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. 

My husband, Mark, and I were married for 35 years. More than half our lives had been spent waking up together, sharing daily meals, giving thousands of kisses goodnight, and building countless little routines and traditions that I am only beginning to realize have been suddenly and completely broken. Just the other day, I got a reminder in the mail to schedule my next colonoscopy, and it struck me that I don’t have my person anymore – I just took for granted that whenever I had a medical procedure, Mark would be the one to drive me there and back. And now, the next thing I must deal with is Valentine’s Day.

We’ve mentioned love languages in a couple of previous episodes, but we haven’t gone in-depth. Mark’s love language was giving gifts. He literally spoiled me with his gift-giving because he wanted me to have everything I wanted or could need. If I put something on my Amazon wish list, it was likely to find its way under the Christmas tree or be presented to me on my birthday. He was also a creature of habit. If something worked once, he would do it over and over again because he didn’t want to mess with a good thing. He would stick to the same plan until I got tired of it or we found something better. So it was in this way that we stumbled into some of our favorite holiday routines.

We ritualized our favorite Valentine’s Day restaurant more than 20 years ago. Sweet Basil is a quaint little Italian bistro owned and operated by the same family for countless years. We’ve eaten there a number of times since we’ve lived in the Dallas area, but Valentine’s was always our favorite time to visit because they had a special menu just for the occasion. My favorite was the Veal Oscar, but Mark tried almost everything. We always started with either some crab claws, shrimp scampi, or maybe bruschetta, and a delicious bowl of lobster bisque. Dessert almost always consisted of a double heart-shaped strawberry Napolean and a cup of cappuccino. We had spent so many Valentine’s Days at this lovely restaurant that the owner/host recognized us when we came in at other times. We even had stories from various visits that we would retell years later, like the story of the year we barely had enough money to pay the tab. We laughed about it often, and it became part of the charm of going back again and again.

In about two weeks, I will face my first Valentine’s Day without Mark, which scares me. His loss is still very raw, and I’m not sure of the best way to deal with it. Mark won’t give me a beautiful Valentine’s card this year. He won’t send me roses or buy a box of my favorite Godiva chocolates. We won’t share a meal over Veal Oscar and stories of Valentine’s past. The thought leaves me sad not just because he won’t be there, but that those traditions are forever broken by his death. I don’t just miss him…I miss all of it. 

I was thinking about that the other day and wondered, how am I supposed to cope with this? Do I just stay home and not celebrate at all? That feels so depressing. Could I go to the restaurant and have dinner alone in his honor? I think I would feel very lonely. I think it would make me cry. I don't want to do that in the middle of a busy restaurant on Valentine’s Day. 

I decided to research what other widows do to cope with their grief on these kinds of days. I was surprised to find that there was so little information available. I found many articles on how to take care of yourself as a widow – all the reminders to practice self-care and to take things slowly. Likewise, there were many articles on supporting a widow on these particularly stressful days, like being patient, reminding her that she is loved, and acknowledging her loss. I did not find much of anything sharing how other widows had managed their first Valentine’s Day after becoming a widow. Then I found a post on Our ClassCee Life blog titled “How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day When Your Valentine is… Well… Dead!”

Written by a widow with two young children, Our ClassCee Life chronicles the author’s journey through widowhood along with a “13,800-mile 83-day trip around the country” in an RV as she coped with her loss. Kristyn’s story is fascinating, and I look forward to reading more about it, but I need her tips on dealing with Valentine’s Day right now. That’s where she talked about treating herself just like her husband would have done. 

I could tell that we had like-minded husbands when it came to gift-giving, and those quirky but always useful and genuinely appreciated gifts are something else I am definitely going to miss. So, I may take a cue from Kristyn’s book and buy myself something that I want…something that Mark might have bought for me. I might even invite my son or one of my single/widowed friends to share that special Valentine’s meal with me. And maybe I’ll do something new and meaningful to honor the man I loved, like making a charitable donation in his name or volunteering to help others.

Whatever I decide to do, I know that it will be okay. I know that all of these changes are just part of the process of grief and that I will find what works for me as I work my way through it. I just have to remind myself that it’s okay not to have all the answers. It’s okay just to wait and see what happens, and it is okay to let others love and support me in this journey. I just need to take one day at a time, and I will get through this holiday and all the others that follow. Life will go on. It always does.