Beliefs, Ego, and Boundaries

 

This week, our podcast focused on the need for some people to share their personal beliefs whenever the topic of discussion touches on an area where it would fit. These assertions are most often about politics and religion, but can also pertain to other, less contentious topics. While Christen and Amber say they are more likely to “check out” of the conversation, I’ve found I can’t do that, especially when the comments are directed at me. It’s tough because I am often the leader or organizer of the group, so it's in my best interest to help maintain the peace. I also know that I am not the only one facing this behavior. So, what is a girl supposed to do?

While our conversation helped me see other points of view on the matter, it didn’t really help me resolve my problem. Talking about ego (a la Eckhart Tolle) and the various mental health insights provided by Amber helped clarify the why of this behavior, but offered no real clues on how to discourage it without hurting anyone’s feelings. I needed suggestions, so I dared to ask ChatGPT.

Posing the question to AI allowed me to use a few more specifics about the situation that I couldn’t share on the podcast (don’t worry, I didn’t share any names or personal info). We had a nice little “chat” about it, and I feel like I understand the situation even better than I did after we recorded the podcast. And while Christen was at least partially right about ego being involved, AI confirmed that the behavior isn’t so much about social identity (fitting in) or convincing others as it is an affirmation for the individual – basically self-validating their beliefs. It’s basically an emotional survival function. People repeat certain beliefs not to convince others, but because they need to hear it again themselves. Without this reaffirming statement, the individual might begin to doubt their belief and might therefore have to confront particular anger, injustice, or powerlessness that they don’t want to face. No malice involved here…just self-preservation. I get it. I’ve done it myself.

I am reminded of something I read in Brené Brown’s Rising Strong. In it, Brown asks, “Are they doing the best they can?” I often have to ask myself this question when I see people behaving in ways I question or dislike. I have to admit that the answer is usually, “yes.” I find that when I understand why someone behaves in a certain way, it’s much easier to give them the benefit of the doubt – to be more forgiving. When we look at things that way, we are all doing the best we can under the circumstances, right? And I can see that in most cases, this behavior helps the person who’s doing it in some way. More than likely, they assume that since the belief is helpful to them, it would be beneficial to others as well. 

However, understanding why someone does something does not negate the need for specific boundaries. If a behavior is hurtful, whether intentional or not, it must be addressed; otherwise, we risk irreparably damaging the relationship. Often, an individual may not even realize that their statements are dismissive or harmful to others. Boundary blindness is a common issue and refers to difficulty recognizing, respecting, or maintaining personal boundaries – either one’s own, other people’s, or both. Boundaries are one of the most frequently reported problems in relationships. Establishing and maintaining boundaries can be difficult, but it is well worth it for keeping the peace. Here, again, AI had a few suggestions.

The key, according to ChatGPT, is to address the issue without attacking the underlying belief. 

• Never argue about whether the belief is true. Instead, focus on impact and boundaries. If you argue the validity of the belief or state that you (or others) believe differently, you activate defensiveness in the other person. It will only make them dig in harder as it threatens their psychological safety. Focusing on how you feel, not what they are doing wrong, separates that person’s belief (which is valid for them) from its impact on you (it’s not helpful).  For example, “I know that believing _________ brings you comfort, and I respect that. But when I’m dealing with _________, hearing __________ actually feels painful and invalidating to me.” 

• Name the repetition Gently. Point out how often the topic comes up by saying something like “I’ve noticed this comes up almost every time we talk about hard things, and I want to be honest that it’s hard for me to hear repeatedly.” This shifts it from being accusatory to being descriptive. 

• Set a boundary if needed. If the person persists, then it’s okay to get firmer, just don’t be cruel. You could say something like, “I understand this belief is important to you, but I need to ask that you not apply it to my experiences. If it comes up again, I may change the subject or step away.” It’s a boundary, not a punishment.

Having this conversation may not convince the person that their belief is unhelpful in general, but you can make it clear that it is unhelpful to you. If the person is emotionally healthy enough, they will adapt. Otherwise, it might be time to limit how much you share with this person. You may have to adapt yourself to avoid discussions that could lead to undesirable outcomes. Or you could honor your boundary and leave the room.