Whenever we do a personality quiz on the podcast, I am never surprised by the results. For that matter, neither are Christen and Amber. I’ve found that the personality topics we’ve covered (Clutter Bug, Enneagram, and this week’s Myers-Briggs) all seem to point to the same thing – I am an Idealist…a Perfectionist…a Reformer, and those assessments would be correct. I am the type of person who wants to make things “right,” whatever that might mean. I look at the world and somehow see that this or that would be so much better “if only….” Which is not to say that those things aren’t perfectly alright just the way they are. I just happen to see the potential. After all, there is always room for improvement, right?
In June, I wrote “I am What I am…” in an attempt to defend myself against accusations that my natural tendencies are somehow wrong – that my instinct to help others better themselves is not only unwanted, but also somehow offensive, and that I needed to change. Those allegations hurt me, and I spent weeks picking apart my relationships with friends and family to see if I had been overstepping or just offering up what people seemed to want and expect of me. I am, after all, the matriarch of our family, the inferred leader of my peer group, and the “Crone” of the Modern Musings podcast. In my view, there’s a great deal of implied wisdom in those labels, and with wisdom comes the duty to share it liberally.
I’d also like to point out that, for most of my life, other people have brought their problems to me. Whether they are asking for advice or simply want a sympathetic ear, I cannot know for sure, but I have always offered my advice freely, so I must assume people want to hear it, or they wouldn’t share their problems with me in the first place. I am who I am, and they know that is what I do. Besides, what good is a friend who can see the answer or the truth but doesn’t tell you? I treasure the advice that other people give me, even if I don’t follow through on it, mainly because I respect their opinions. I know they have my best interests at heart, but also because their opposing viewpoint allows me to look at the situation from another perspective. Looking at a situation through their eyes might even help me solidify my original view. People give me advice all the time. I can take it or leave it. Why is it so bad if I offer the same?
Another way to approach this conundrum is to consider a few other personality types. If the Perfectionist/Reformer needs to stop trying to reform and perfect things, then should the Enneagram Type 2 Giver stop trying to find ways to be helpful to be liked, or should the Type 3 Achiever stop worrying about their public image and quit trying to impress everyone? What about the Type 7 Enthusiast? If their personality type makes them seek out fun and adventure to avoid emotional pain, then does that mean they should stop having fun and just face their sadness? While the impulse might be to answer “yes,” it’s really not that simple.
The truth is, people are who they are. Our personalities are shaped by a combination of genetics and life experiences. Our personalities change with time, as demonstrated by the evolution of my Myers-Briggs ENFP result from premarital counseling in 1988 into an ESTJ and the INFJ that I am today. This is especially true of growth-minded individuals who actively work to better themselves and heal trauma. So, while I may currently be a Myers-Briggs Advocate/Idealist, chances are that all my “perfecting” and “advocating” with my friends and family may be one of the ways I work through perfecting and advocating in my own life, and if I continue to face my shadows and dig deep into what makes me tick, I might begin to shift my personality yet again.
Similarly, when the Enneagram’s Giver learns that they don’t have to give everything to be liked, and the Achiever finds that they can be their true, authentic self without losing the respect of others, then they, too, will begin a shift into other personality types. The Enthusiast has but to slow down and face their demons to grow beyond the superficial life of novelty and adventure. It doesn’t mean they won’t enjoy those things anymore, and it doesn’t mean that any of these personalities become anything less – it means they can become something even more.
When we tell people to be less than who they truly are, when we ask people to tone down their tendencies or change themselves to make ourselves feel more comfortable, then we are telling them that they aren’t enough. Or that they are too much. We are saying more about who we are than about anything they are doing. When we offer advice, it should always be to lift someone up and make them more. We should never ask them to change outright or be less. It’s a fine line, but I’m pretty sure the Advocate-Idealist-Perfectionist-Reformer will be the first one to try. I just hope that recipients can learn to listen to the message, if not the messenger.
